When my spirit is faint , you know my way ..

Psalm 142:3

Those were the days when our hearts were clouded and burdened. It was becoming more and more clear that we could tarry no longer – we needed to find another school to complete Jeff’s education .

Six years ago we had shifted from the Metro city , to this quiet town for his education . It was indeed a bold step bolstered by a lot of prayers . Within no time , all the pieces of our new life had fallen into place ; My husband was blessed with a job ; Jeff was in a nurturing environment and had made good progress.

Life moved on at a slow, comforting pace ; We had made good friends .There were beautiful places nearby for a weekend trip . The apartment in the city was slowly receding from our minds .. The thought of staying on in this comfort zone was quite appealing. Weekend trips to see my ailing parents were quite practicable too.

Staying on would mean depriving my son of opportunities to further his education. Sadly the town offered no other choice for him.

Meanwhile in our absence , the city had made considerable progress as regards services and facilities for Autism. The new schools were willing to provide suitable accommodations to kids on the spectrum. There were plenty of schools offering alternate education too . The mood of celebrating the difference was in the air. Some of the corporates had even added adults with Autism to their work force . The city looked decades ahead compared to the town we were residing in .

Entrusting my son with my sister , I made a short visit to the city to explore the possibilities. I reconnected with my mentor and other moms . After a few school visits I realised that placing Jeff in a new environment surrounded by strangers would prove to be detrimental.. The other option was the learning centres that provided coaching for national open schooling . The system offered a wide range of subjects and a flexible examination schedule that allows the candidate to appear for the public examination in a staggered manner .

Jeff wasn’t looking forward to attending the school after the summer break . He was incessantly talking about the boys who bullied him . His anxiety levels had to be contained at any cost. Then came the news from our tenant in the city . They were shifting to their new home in a month . Our apartment would soon be vacant . This further hastened our steps to open the new door that had emerged so unexpectedly in our journey.

Uprooting again wasn’t going to be easy . Desperate, my heart sought refuge in the Lord .

I hereby command you , Be strong and courageous, do not be frightened or dismayed for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go

Joshua 1:9

Accept whatever befalls on you , and in times of humiliation be patient.

For gold is tested in the fire

and those acceptable, in the furnace of humiliation

Sirach 2 :1&2

The years 2010 to 2014 was an extremely tough period for us . After the demise of my father , my mother lost all her inner strength and energy . Her liver issues worsened and there were frequent hospitalisations .

Needless to say , my son was plunged in to a whirl pool of unexpected, unexplainable situations ; he was a witness to the drastic changes that can happen to a couple who were full of life within a brief period of time – And they were his favourite people .

Added to that, was the bulling incident at school . Though we adults thought we had the situation all sorted out , he was constantly talking about it . Looking back I feel he dreaded seeing those boys again .

There was more bad news .. The school mangement also was under severe financial stress ; we soon came to know that this institution would soon be handed over to another group . That came as a thunderbolt for us ! We weren’t feeling optimistic as we had no clue about their attitude towards kids with difficulties. We knew nothing about this new set of people .Our considerate Principal suggested that we find another pasture .

Our minds were too clouded and heavy to make a decision; we decided to take a divinely inspired decision after spending some time alone with God . So we went to Divine Retreat centre once again .

Before leaving ,I had made a decision to give witness to what the Lord has done for us . All these years I have sat there , listening to several the testimonies , dreaming about the day my son would be completely healed ! Won’t I be on the stage too happily bearing witness to our Redeemer and saviour ? But hasn’t the Lord done mighty things for us ? Jeff may not be completely healed but he was communicating more , interacting more , showing significant progress in all spheres . He was even performed a dance with his classmates , his feet never missing a beat !

On the highway to Divine Retreat centre , I was having second thoughts about the testimony. I was getting nervous thinking about it . Was it too soon ? All of a sudden a car with tinted windows came menacingly close to us ; It had a strange graphic of a hooded creature with unforgiven scrawled across its body . I felt it was the evil one trying to dissuade me from glorifying God . And I made up my mind to give my testimony.

After the retreat we went back home .I was still mulling over the choices we have . The school would reopen soon . We would have to pull him out in a few months . Until our plans are finalised , we couldn’t disclose anything to Jeff . Uncertainty is something that stresses him out . Meanwhile Jeff was constantly asking about school . He wanted to get back but at the same time he was anxious. My reassurances didn’t seem to work .

On such a morning, my son had his first seizure attack – totally unexpected. I wasn’t even able to make out what was wrong when I saw him on the floor , face down his legs and hands twitching . Thinking it was one of his pranks , I called out to him and there was no response . Luckily my friend and neighbour rushed in and helped me understand that it was convulsions . She pacified me saying that this was a trial .

Soon my husband came home and Jeff was taken to the Neurology department of a well established hospital. After a series of tests and an ultrasound scan , the doctor decided not to prescribe any medication, asking us to bring him back after a month .

I told myself this was the work of the evil one and refused to pay more attention to it . Mummy never came to know about this either . I knew she worried over Jeff a lot and I didn’t want to aggravate her anxiety.

This was just a temporary block on our path . Or so I convinced myself and went ahead with our routine.

Be merciful to me , O God, be merciful to me , for in you my soul takes refuge

In the shadow of thy wings I take refuge

Until the destroying storms pass by .

Psalm 57:1

“O Lord you have searched me and known me .

You know when I sit down and when I rise up .

You discern my thoughts from far-away .”

Psalm 139:1&2

The second wave of Covid 19 seems to be ebbing , bringing a sigh of relief from everyone . Though the restrictions are not completely lifted ,there’s some hope in the air . The death tally is now going up as the officials are busy correcting the numbers . Relatives of those who were buried following the Covid protocol , protested against the official list of covid deaths as they have been listed under some other ailment . Truth cannot be hidden long !

I was pleasantly surprised to find myself as a link between a group of needy slum dwellers and an organisation distributing groceries. Feeling thankful to be at the right place at the right time ! The hand of God was present in every step of the way !

Mulling over divine guidance, brings to mind an incident that happened many years ago ,

Those days I had often heard messages being proclaimed , healings announced during praise and worship sessions .

At Divine Retreat centre I have heard priests calling out names too , with specific messages . I had always viewed it with cynicism until the day the priest called out my niece’s name ! I was just whispering a prayer for her ! I almost jumped out my skin !

After this incident, I started waiting eagerly for my name to be called . Many years I strained my ears during the adoration hoping at least my Christian name would be heard . Surely God has a message for me !

Finally it happened in 2011 , while we were attending advent retreat just before Christmas. The adoration had just started and the air was filled with praises and thanksgiving .

Enter the gates with thanksgiving

and his courts with praise .

Give thanks to Him

Bless his name !

Psalm 100:4

Then I heard my name being called out followed by five other names . The priest said that God had seen the tears of all of us , mothers who were praying for our kids. He reminded us of the healing of Jaiross’s daughter . “Do not be afraid , “he said , “their future is safe in the hands of God ! ”

I felt I was in the air , all lifted up .. My heart was beating so rapidly; I could feel sparklers and glitters dancing inside my head!!

By the time the session got over I was having doubts ! Was it my name ? I ran towards my husband who was coming out of the Men’s section and he affirmed that it was my name the priest uttered first . He too had heard it !!

The walk from the prayer hall to our room is something I will never forget ! I felt like a feather floating towards the building . I was delirious with joy ! He knows me by name ! He has seen every tear that falls from my eyes !

That night sleep evaded me . I saw many images , among which the one of black rosary beads was so vivid . I also saw a glowing sphere on the door . I was happy and afraid at the same time . I wondered what these images mean . Am I going crazy ? How I wish I had knelt down and prayed that night !

The next morning.like an answer to my unsaid prayers , the famous song “Hear I am “was sung during the mass.

The lines go like this –

“Here I am Lord/ Is it I , Lord / I have heard you calling in the night . ”

My thoughts exactly!

After the retreat , like every year, we stopped at a convent where my husband’s aunt ,a religious sister was staying . After tea and chitchat , Mother superior fished out three rosaries from her deep pockets- one black , two brightly coloured.It was really unbelievable when she handed over the black one to me and the coloured ones to the boys , reminding me once again of the previous night !

After a brief stay in our hometown, we headed back to the town where we were staying . Soon life was back to normal – Jeff back in school and husband back at office , I shuttled between a special school and home . The environment of the community remained the same – insensitive remarks from difficult people and challenging situations came up . I felt I had to stifle my reactions and cleanse my thoughts all the time . I tried to be worthy of being in His presence but failed , failed miserably. I hadn’t realised it then , that I , with all my weakness ,was enough. I can be myself in his presence with no shame . His grace and mercy are sufficient ( and that’s all I will ever need )

Instead I whispered to Jesus that I wasn’t ready . I wasn’t ready for Jesus to take over my life , my whole life ..not yet . Secretly I wondered if I will ever be worthy of such a call … I just wanted him to watch over me . Was I afraid of the narrow road ? Or Was I feeling inadequate to face the challenges that might come along?

I think it was a mixture of both .

However

“The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases

His mercies never come to an end ;

They are new every morning;

great is thy faithfulness O Lord ! “

Lamentations 3:22&23

Out of the depths I cry to you O Lord,

Lord , hear my voice !

Let my ears be attentive to the voice of my supplications!

Psalm 130:1&2

How does one sleep when an ambulance whizzes past your bedroom window every half an hour ?

How does one carry on with the daily chores when the phone is heavy with innumerable prayer requests –requests for for healing of those down with Covid 19 , for those trying desperately to find a bed in the ICU or even an oxygen cylinder ..

we heard of elderly parents left alone to fend for themselves as Covid went on a brutal assault to claim the lives of young energetic adults; of kids , even babies orphaned by the sudden demise of their parents . We saw desperate pleas on our social media groups as their neighbors had no idea what to do as the Government still struggled to come up with alternatives.In the parents group of kids with special needs , many painful guidelines appeared . These included making a profile of the kid , including the phone numbers of the next of kin.

This was our condition till a week ago . The first week of May was chaotic. Slowly things are getting better as I gather from the number of ambulances that pass through the street . I have stopped believing in official numbers based on a very simple logic – The ratio of the number of persons whom I know ,and the number infected among them is quite high .

Around 350 priests have already passed on according to the official data of the Catholic Church last week ; Added on to that would be the pastors and volunteers from other denominations. This made me ask God why he was calling those who worked for his Kingdom. Aren’t we in desperate need of them especially now ?

There are many organisations and individuals reaching out to the victims in these gloomy days . Their selfless love is truly moving . A family friend of ours is on the road everyday for Covid relief work ; His teen age kids are helping out in the Covid ward of a hospital along with other youth volunteers.

Happy are those whose strength is in you

Psalm84:5a.

My son doesn’t allow any ambulance to pass through ,without accompanied by his fervent prayers . He could be sick or upset at that time but he never forgets to pray when he hears the blaring siren.

The long list of the sick made our evening prayers longer ,as Jeff would go through each one of them . The news that some of them couldn’t make it ,upsets him ; All I say is that they would be happier in heaven and Jesus knows best ! That comforts him and he goes on to pray for their souls . And we still wonder if individuals with Autism are empathetic!

We are still cocooned in our apartment Other than being a prayer partner to my son , I have not been doing anything in this situation. But is that enough ? I do not know . I pray that the Lord guides my steps while I wait in prayer . And yes ! Jesus knows best !

Let my cry come before you , O Lord ;

give me understanding according to your word .

Let my supplication come before you ; deliver me according to your promise .

Psalm 119:160&161

And I heard a voice from heaven saying ” write this ; Blessed are those who from now on die in the Lord ” ” Yes, says the Spirit,”They will rest from their labors for their deeds follow them.”

Revelation 14:13

The Covid ripple has has now grown into a Tsunami engulfing my country .The struggle for Oxygen masks , hospital beds continue as an already inadequate health care system struggles to cope up with the massive numbers. The numbers are multiplying in no time and are also widely believed to be under reported.

Here in the south itself , where the health care scenario is much better , cities are panting under covid stress . Our social media groups are flooded with prayer requests and heart rending obituaries. We have lost too many doctors , health are workers , expectant mothers , teenagers , parents of the differently abled , priests and religious sisters .

In the midst of it all , we were shattered by the news of Fr Praveen ‘s demise -A young dynamic priest who had served in our parish some years ago . A brilliant preacher -lawyer who had fought for the rights of the marginalised ,was called to his eternal home way too soon – a great loss to the Jesuit community in India . He seemed to have inculcated the values of fairness and justice in his students as evident in their expression of grief .

And for us , it was like losing someone in the family . I still remember the first day we met him ; I had moved back to the city and had just rejoined the Parish . Outside the parish office I stood , pondering over my new mission – To enrol my son for the Sacrament of Confirmation.

Years ago he had received his Holy communion from the same parish .I had just seen a new set of priests and faith formation teachers ( formerly called catechism teachers ) at the parish office That plunged me into a thinking mode ; my mind trying to come up with a description of Autism spectrum which they would understand . His deficiencies in communication and socialisation should in no way affect the way he would be treated in the class .

And there he was, standing on the steps of the parish office , smiling at me . Throwing all caution to the winds , I approached him and introduced my son , mentioning that he is on the Autism spectrum.His smile didnot fade away . On the contrary , it only became bigger and he promptly extended his arm for a very excited hand shake !

Fr Praveen wanted to know if Jeff had any special abilities; I told him about his calendar skills – If you tell him a date he would give you the day straightaway.

Now this was something that we had almost taken for granted . But the amazement that he showed after a few trials . was so infectious!

In a jiffy he beckoned two kids who were coming out of their classes and introduced them to Jeff , with a full blown demonstration of his calendar skills ! There were giggles and wonder which climaxed with his announcement that Jeff would be in their class . Turning to Jeff , he said in his characterstic style , ” Smile Man ! Now you have two friends ! ”

From then onwards , we had no anxiety in leaving him in his new class room ; God had directed us to safe hands . Fr Praveen had a good team mate in Fr Christopher ; My son thoroughly enjoyed their classes and looked forward to his confirmation; This time he was ready for confession too .

The Archbishop was expected to administer the sacrament of confirmation and the religious sisters who were in charge of the kids during the Mass , wanted no distractions . Fr Praveen stepped in and told them not to worry about his posture ; Jeff was his natural self before God and we were the ones who pretended to be what we were not, even before God almighty! And I couldn’t agree more !

After that year , he went back to his congregation . He came to celebrate the Sunday mass at our parish the next year but after that we never heard from him . He was apparently busy with his preparation for his doctorate . After a gap of few years , It was with great joy that we heard about him from our former parish priest when we visited him , Fr Praveen had joined the school Law as the Principal. We made a mental note to pay him a visit .

But then came Covid 19 and the Lockdown . During these perilous times , like many parents , we too started thinking of setting up a trust for our son . Fr Praveen was the name that occurred to us – A brilliant lawyer , more importantly a very loving human being and a faithful servant of God , who else could be better than him , to guide us ?

But God had a different plan . I struggled with the news of his untimely death for some days ..The irony was that it wasn’t Covid that took him away .It was Lymphoma . I asked God many times -Why would you call this great servant of yours -,someone so young who had so many years of service ahead of him , so soon ?

Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of his faithful ones

Psalm 116:18

Was it meant to be a sacrifice for the redemption of this country ? A nation that has changed so drastically over the past decade .. Falsehood has crept into its fabric , threatening to destroy a great democracy that has survived the vast differences in language and religion . Hatred for the other and resentment towards any dissent is the new normal .

Yet all hope is not lost ; I am moved by the stories of ordinary men and women who are rendering extraordinary services to the sick – plying them to hospitals , giving free meals to those who are quarantined , and finally accompanying them in their final journey . Humanity still survives .

May the mercy of God envelop this nation! May this country experience spiritual and physical healing !

All the ends of the earth shall remember and turn to the Lord and all the families of the nations shall worship before him .

For dominion belongs to the Lord and he rules over the nations .

Psalm22:27-29

“But he was wounded for our transgressions, crushed for our iniquities .

Upon him was the punishment that made us whole and by his bruises we are healed .. ”

Isaiah 53:5

Holy Week has already reached midway . From tomorrow we go through the most poignant days of the year , Maunday Thursday – the Last supper and the night of betrayal ; Good Friday -the day when the redeemer and the healer was scourged cruelly and crucified ; Holy Saturday, the day of quiet contemplation ending with peace and joy of Easter Sunday !

When the lockdown here coincided with Lenten period of 2020 ,we were all upset . No one could imagine a Holy week without the huge gathering of the faithful in our parishes .. Holy Week celebrations are restricted to parish churches and hence the increase in the size of the flock . How do we pray the stations of the cross with the churches closed ? How do we visit other churches on Good Friday ?

I remember how aghast I was, roughly this time last year ..No Sunday mass ; No Annual retreat, no visit to the adoration chapel .. I wondered if I would survive spiritually ,at the end of it all ..

It was unimaginable.. But 2020 taught us to look within – Did God want us to truly search for him within our souls and around us ? Didn’t God show us that He’s omnipresent, very close to us , that we only need to take his name on our lips , to reach out to him , to feel his presence? These basic concepts of our faith were nearly forgotten; we rushed to churches, adoration and retreat centres looking for consolation as unarguably we feel the presence of God more tangibly in churches .

Last year made us all wonder if God wanted us to think about this , more deeply . He wouldn’t want us to think of Him only in a holy place , only at certain times or days ..Isn’t He in our homes too ?

He wants us to make him an integral part of our daily lives . He wants to listen to us , talk to us about the small things of life ! We should exercise the liberty of approaching our heavenly Father with the attitude of a child .Only if we let that happen , can we be called the children of God .

With the aid of technology , we could watch mass celebrated anywhere in the world , listen to preachers sharing the Word, the soul stirring hymns filled our homes and we did stations of the cross without any distractions at all ..

Palm Sunday when my son was very upset and decided to observe Holy Thursday at home , I wasn’t worried. There were many who weren’t observing covid protocol despite the desperate entreaties of the parish priest . The load was too much for my son’s autistic brain . Being a stickler to rules he was worried ; and his knowledge about covid made it even worse ! He keeps up with the Covid updates more than anyone I know !

So here we are , going through a meaningful, prayerful the Holy Week at home unless my son has a change of heart !

“Am I a God near by , says the Lord and not a God far off? Who can hide in a secret place that I cannot see him ? Says the Lord . Do I not fill heaven and earth ? says the Lord .”

Jeremiah 23:23&24

Therefore I retract

And I repent in dust and ashes

Job 42:6

The season of Lent started quietly with the sprinkling of ashes on the head – A time for introspection, a time for reflection, & a time for repentance.

Lenten season reminds us once again of the intrinsic human frailties and urges us to depend entirely on God . This realisation must be the driving force behind the packed churches during Ash Wednesday every year .

This year too , there was an increase in church attendance even with the adherence to covid protocol . One can only pray and hope the doors would remain open till Easter !

There have been many apprehensions among the clergy and the faithful regarding the celebration of the Holy mass following Covid protocol . Some say receiving the Holy communion in the hand instead of tongue ,can amount to sacrilege .

During my youth , I didn’t fully realise the significance of the Holy mass ; For me it was just a memorial of the Last supper ; I was unaware of the fact that Christ was truly present in the bread and wine ; God out of his infinite love for Man , comes down to meet us in the form of a humble piece of bread . It is indeed a celebration of God’s love .

After my Daddy’s passing away I had stayed back home for a few weeks with my mother . I always regretted the fact that Daddy didn’t receive the sacrament of the sick ; None of us even considered it as we were in a state of denial .My mother’s health was also deteriorating and she too wasn’t in a position to accept the inevitable.,

I remember attending mass alone one Sunday ; Dad’s face somehow came up on my mind and I regretted not having taken the initiative to call the parish priest home for the anointing of the sick . Silently I offered up that mass for his soul , unburdening my heart before Jesus . I decided that I would be receiving communion that day for my father’s soul .

When my turn came up to receive communion, I saw the religious sister pausing a moment with the host . She must have felt the difference in thickness .. For the very first time , I received two hosts that day ! I felt so comforted and touched at the same time ..The Lord had not only granted my silent prayer but made sure that I obtained my spiritual sustenance too .

Our God listens to every silent sigh of our hearts. He sees every tear that’s shed . And He is the perfect father , watching over us with love and mercy .

You have kept count of my tossings

put my tears in you bottle .

Are they not in your book ?

Psalm 56:8

And Jesus said , “Father , forgive them for they do not know what they are doing ..”

Luke 23:34

After my father’s demise , things were never the same . My bold , energetic mother had become a different person altogether.. It seemed Dad had gone away, taking away all her energy and hope . Her only comfort was the times we visited her . After each such trip ,I tried my best not to remember her soulful eyes as we drove out of the yard .

Meanwhile my son‘s apparent anxiety added on to my worries . He had been struggling to come to terms with his Grandpa’s disappearance . But I felt it wasn’t merely the only cause . Every evening as he came back from school he would ask me the same question; “What did Jesus do when he was beaten / slapped by those soldiers? ” And I would reply that he did nothing; he forgave them . My answer seemed to be calming him down . And he would be his cheerful self again !

Though I was perplexed by this routine ,I was too preoccupied with the situation at home to give it much thought. One of those days I was called to the school to help out as his teacher was on leave ; he was receiving one on one session for both English and Math . He attended all the other lessons with his classmates in the general class room .

When I saw him at the school , I noticed some red marks in his hand . When I asked him he refused to talk. The next day ,the red marks were on his cheeks . After much coaxing , he told me that he was being slapped by one of his classmates- This boy had joined the school just a year back and had been constantly taunting Jeff .This was brought to the notice of the Principal by Jeff’s friend , a loving caring boy .Sadly his friend had left for his hometown for good and there was no one to defend him .

A strange mix of emotions surged through my mind – I was upset and angry; I felt betrayed and disillusioned too .

The evening routine made sense .. Jeff was indirectly seeking some guidance- divine guidance in such trying circumstances .. My heart melted within me ; Didn’t we teach him to follow Jesus, come what may ?

I also knew that I needed to protect him from any such untoward happenings in the future. In a private meeting with the Principal I apprised her of the situation and expressed my concerns . Fortunately the winter holidays were to begin soon , allying my fears of any possible repercussions.

On his next birthday, Jeff insisted that we invited the bully too , along with his other friends, much to our discomfort . Every evening we heard his name again during our family prayers when Jeff would pray fervently for him. I must admit that It was truly difficult for me to forgive that boy from my heart and to pray for him mostly because there was no change in his attitude towards Jeff.

Years have passed since then ; I still feel inadequate before my autistic son who has had many such negative experiences but still bears no grudge towards anyone .Sometimes I feel he was sent to show me that forgiving the remorseless was not impossible. Didn’t Christ forgive his unrepentant persecutors ? But I still have a long way to go !

Then Peter came and said to him ” Lord, if another member of the church sins against me , how often should I forgive ? As many as seven times ? Jesus said to him ” Not seven times but I tell you seventy seven times “

“Rejoice in the Lord always , again I will say Rejoice ! “

Philippians 4:4

Bells and boughs , candies and cookies , stars and candles , cake and wine ..

Its Christmas time !

Will this be an unusual Christmas?

The dreary world , still under the attack of the virulent virus slowly drags itself to its feet .. Not her former self yet .. Many countries are staring at a Christmas lockdown .

We would miss our Midnight Masses on Christmas Eve , Santa would be spotted moving around shopping areas and city squares by very few kids!

Less goodies on our tables , less decorations on our trees , less family reunions, less laughter in our homes , for everyone on this planet now knows someone who has been a victim of Covid 19.

A quieter Christmas.. Many countries during wars or under oppressive regimes must have gone through such gloomy conditions; Yet they would have found strength and hope in the Lord .

Isn’t that what Christmas is all about ? After all, the first Christmas was in a dark cave . Our Lord and king was born in the humblest of homes .. That very night, the holy family had to flee to Egypt to escape Herod’s evil scheme .

There were no celebrations when the King of the universe was born ; Very few accepted him .

Now when he comes again will my heart be like that of the inn keeper who refused to him shelter ?

Or will I be like one of the poor shepherds who rushed to the manger with hearts brimming with joy , with no tinge of doubt ?

“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing so that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit “

Romans 15:13

“Out of the depths I cry to you ,O Lord

Lord , hear my voice !

Let your ears be attentive to the voice of my supplications! “

Psalm 130:1&2

Ever since I could remember November was one of my favourite months .. The misty mornings , warm afternoons and the clear, star studded skies … There was always expectancy in the air .. Christmas was just around the corner – the promise of a long holiday with the Christmas tree, the cakes ,and the goodies and the laughter of friends and relatives around us .

Though November was dedicated to the departed souls, I had chosen not to remember it as such ..Death was so distant ; something that happened to others but not to us ..

However , November these days drags in a heavy heart . It’s the month both my parents passed away ..

To once again resume the charting of my journey from where I had meandered .. Our move to the same town brought us closer to my parents.. Home was just 250 kms away .. Often we found ourselves going down the green mountains to my home town , a small sliver of land by the Arabian Sea.

My Mother always insisted that we reached before lunch .A table groaning under the weight of all kinds of delicious dishes would await us, much to the delight of my son . There would be evenings spent on the beach .. walking on the moon lit sand followed by a sumptuous dinner and an ice cream at a his favourite restaurant.My Dad would take his little friend on his daily visits to his sister’s house.

Meanwhile his school was growing and there were more kids now in his class.. The kids had grown too .. The girls and the boys had separate gangs now and Jeff wasn’t in either of them . Those days I had no idea about what was happening at school . All I noticed was that his interest to go to school had waned considerably..

Looking back I presume that our weekend haunts must have made up for all that unhappiness .

Soon we got a very distressing news from home .My Dad suffered a heart attack while attending a funeral of his colleague( he was walking uphill towards the cemetery.. ) The medications that followed interfered with the functioning of his kidneys and soon his health deteriorated. He was in and out of the hospital several times a month and our visits became very frequent.

Jeff saw a different Grandpa- the strong man who could always come up with a solution to any crisis looked weak and tired . We were bombarded by incessant questions as his logical mind strove to find an answer . Was it the fried chicken he enjoyed or was the occasional drink that caused this ?

Our drives weren’t interesting anymore . Often I found myself wishing that there were no mountains between these two towns . As my parents were staying by themselves each phone call made us anxious to reach home at the soonest .

One such day we had received a call from my anxious mother ; he was hospitalised again and things didn’t look good . My panic stricken heart uttered many a prayer as I feared the worst . I prayed fervently that nothing should happen till I reached home .

The sky was downcast as we went down the mountains. I looked down into the valley in despair wondering when we would reach the plains – I could see a dark green mass of trees dotted with a few scattered silhouettes of buildings .. and then I spotted a glowing golden church with its spires .. That evening the setting sun had chosen to bathe only this church with its golden beams ., Was it a sign ? I do not know ; but I took it as one and was convinced that it was , as I found my father sitting on the hospital bed , in a much better state than we had expected…

Months later on a gloomy November evening he moved on , leaving all of us .. and my son came know what death meant to those left behind ..

“Blessed are those who mourn , for they shall be comforted “

Matthew 5:4