“Trust the Lord with all your heart
and do not rely on your own insight .
In all your ways acknowledge him
And he will make straight your paths “
Those days , my prayer was all for complete healing –I wanted our lives to be totally free of Autism And I firmly believed it was possible , if we , the parents would lead lives acceptable in the eyes of God .
Like Napoleon Bonaparte, I thought nothing was impossible if we set our minds to do it ! So there I was, at that juncture, checking every action , every thought of mine , striving for holiness with all my might ! Needless to say , I failed miserably… It didn’t occur to me that I am just a weak human being and without the grace & mercy of God , I will never be anywhere near the pearly gates of Heaven .
Meanwhile Jeff was being prepared for his Holy communion with the rest of his class at our parish church. He knew the basic prayers and the commandments but had no idea about sin . He couldn’t lie ; nor did he have any ill feelings towards anyone irrespective of their attitude toward him . He was exempted from confession . A nice long chat with the priest instead was arranged for him so that he wouldn’t feel left out .
This is it ! I thought to myself . The time of healing is here ! What time would be more suitable for healing than the time he received the body of Christ !! The more I thought about it , the more convinced I became.
It was only after my charismatic prayer retreats that I came to believe in transubstantiation- that the bread & wine are transformed into the body and blood of Christ during the Holy mass . It was further strengthened by my own personal experience of a healing – some years ago a blister in my mouth was healed soon after I received the communion.
” I am the living bread that came down from heaven ..”
I started getting excited about the Holy communion day .We had organised a grand buffet for our family & friends . Members of our extended families flew in . All those who had worked with Jeff and those with whom Jeff loved to interact were invited for our celebration .
I tried to spend my days before that date, praying . One part of my brain had already jumped ahead , imagining our life without the stigma of Autism . I was eager to reclaim our lives , which I felt, was in the clutches of this disorder . I vowed to myself I would never think about Autism ever again once Jeff comes out it .
The Holy Communion Mass celebrated by the Archbishop was quite long but surprisingly my son held on , showing no signs of restlessness! I looked eagerly for more signs of recovery but there was none .
The grand party was over and we were back home … My heart started sinking lower and lower with the passing of each day .. I asked God , why ?? (again after so many years .. ) Why didn’t you touch this innocent child of yours ? I got no answer.
Soon the questions faded away and I entered a dry patch in my spiritual life – God seemed so remote and I couldn’t reach out to him .
At the same time I didn’t want to feel that way ; so I read the psalms over and over again , found my cries similar to those of the psalmist .
“My soul clings to the dust
Revive me according to your word “
Slowly I made my way back . If God didn’t heal him then , he had a good reason . I must not expect God to follow my timetable . All I need to do is to trust in him and he will act !
For my thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways my ways , says the Lord
For as the heavens are higher than the Earth , so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.