O give thanks to the Lord , call on his name .

Make known his deeds among the peoples

Sing to him , sing praises to him :

Tell of all his wonderful works .

It was a wonderful moment indeed when we crossed the threshold of class 10 examinations held by the national board of education. The pressure of attempting the papers along with strangers in a huge hall could be unnerving for a kid on the Autism spectrum. Social anxiety , sensory overload and the inability to ask for any clarification often impede their academic progress .

The unpredictability of the outcome often discourages the parents who try their best to prepare their kids . The gap between what they know and what they write on the paper is disheartening. I was no exception . I told Jeff that a vocational course would be a good idea as the academic pressure would be lessened .

But he had done the examinations with no external support , except extra time . He had managed to come out of the system in his former school where he wrote every paper with a teacher aide beside him . Jeff definitely wasn’t leaving academics . His heart was set on doing senior secondary . Finally I relented and enrolled him for the senior secondary curriculum.

The subjects offered for this were more interesting for him . He was always interested in the environment; he could learn environmental science along with humanities . There was only one issue ; At that time no school was offering senior secondary classes . We decided to do all the subjects on our own . This time we were better equipped to deal with the system . After grouping the subjects based on the difficulty level , we plunged into work.

However lack of socialisation worried us and I looked around for a centre where he could do any computer course . I came across a computer centre formerly run by a mother with a kid on the spectrum. It was managed by a parent group . They had learning programs for younger kids and had planned on a three year computer course to prepare the young adults for a job in computers . Internship in a software company was also part of the promise .

Since the lady who conceptualised it had to move to another state , the plan was in limbo . We spoke over the phone and realising my interest she requested me to manage the centre . Jeff could join ; we could get more candidates by spreading the word around . I turned it down as I used computers minimally ;I wasn’t tech savvy at all . It took a long time for me to get used to even my smart phone ! But she was persuasive and assured me that the young professionals at the centre would train me and my job would be to explain the program to prospective candidates, mainly their parents .Seeing no other door open for my son , I agreed to take up that responsibility.

Meanwhile a long lost friend of mine contacted me ; Her parish members were going on a pilgrimage to Italy . Would We like to join them ? They would be attending Mother Teresa’s canonisation as well !

As she spoke I pictured my self standing at St. Peter’s square , listening to Pope Francis .. Sauntering through Vatican museum surrounded by timeless beauty .. praying in those awe inspiring and churches where many have bared their souls across centuries .

My excitement was short lived .Reality rudely intruded my reverie . Memories of our previous trip to Europe and Jeff’s hospitalisation were still fresh on our minds . A group tour with a rigid schedule would be too much for him . But my husband knew what such a trip meant for me; he suggested that I make this trip , he would manage the house .

I was in a dilemma ; Never have I stayed away from Jeff for so many days .. Infact after the onset of epilepsy, he was never left alone .Would my husband be able to manage office and home together? There would be times Jeff would be alone at home . Would he be fine ?

Finally I made a bold decision ; This could be once in a lifetime opportunity . I decided to go for the pilgrimage. When I mentioned this to another friend , to my great delight she too jumped in !

The computer course would start only after we return . Things were looking up already !

Take delight in the Lord ,

And He will give you

The desires of your heart

Psalm 37:4

Not to us , O Lord , not to us ,

but to your name give glory ,

for the sake of your steadfast love

and your faithfulness !

Psalm115:1

It was the end of school days for my son .

He would be appearing for the last two subjects that summer . If he cleared them he would be receive the secondary school certificate . . The staggered schedule of the examinations was indeed a boon to us ; it lessened the burden of anxiety for all of us for we were all in this together!

As per the tradition , the school organised a valedictory function before the examinations.The theme of the ceremony was ‘Go , Light your world ‘What a beautiful message to these enthusiastic young adults !

As the day approached , a strange feeling came over me – excitement mixed with apprehension.. Will he be able to clear both the subjects together?Will he truly step out of the school , just like all his friends ?

As the young adults proudly stood on the stage,with their their beaming faces , our eyes moistened . These were the rejects .. thrown out of regular schools that had neither the time , nor the heart to cater to their needs .. Yet the Lord has shown the world what they were capable of .. Be it academics or extra curricular activities, they had proved themselves beyond doubt .

All of them were impeccably dressed – boys in their suits and girls in gorgeous saris. As the twilight air resonated with the beautiful lyrics of ‘You raise me up ‘ , a heart touching song originally composed by the Norwegian Irish duo of ‘Secret Garden ‘, there was not a single dry eye among the audience ..

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders
You raise me up to more than I can be…

Sitting there , we , parents recalled all our struggles , disappointments and despair ..The harrowing times when the regular academic world branded them failures.

But we were never forsaken .. The Lord had guided us to this institution which was more than a school .. a home away from home where they were accepted without any judgement , where they were considered as smart young persons with latent potentials.

All of us could proudly vouch for the fact that the Lord had done remarkable things for our children! He had raised them up and carried them to a higher place !

The lamp was lit and one by one the students passed on the light till all the candles they were carrying , were glowing.

Their radiant faces revealed what beautiful imprint, a loving and nourishing environment can leave on susceptible young minds .. their voices reminding us of the words of our saviour as they melodiously sang ,the inspirational song , Go light your world ‘ – The theme of the function was infact, taken from this song .

There is a candle in every soul 
Some brightly burning, some dark and cold 
There is a Spirit who brings fire 
Ignites a candle and makes His home.

I pictured each of them stepping out to the World , led by the Lord , reaching out to the hopeless . confused & torn ‘

Carry your candle, run to the darkness 
Seek out the hopeless, confused and torn 
Hold out your candle for all to see it 
Take your candle, and go light your world 
Take your candle, and go light your world

And I wondered if my son would be able to do that too .. in his own way ..

When the function drew to a close , we stepped out into the garden .There were laughter and hugs all around ..pictures were being taken for adorning the memory lane .

we too got busy clicking pictures with Jeffs friends and loving teachers .. Some teachers were keen to have their picture alone taken with Jeff ! .. His innocent ways had made their way into their hearts ! I wondered if jeff would ever be fortunate to be around such a loving company!

we once again became busy with studies as the exams approached . As usual he wouldn’t divulge any details about what he wrote . There were some obvious glitches .. We had promised him a holiday in the town he spent some of his most happy years ,soon after the exam ; on the last day of exam , excitement got the better of him and he rushed out of the hall very early !

A lesson for us ! Something we vowed not to do .. Never have we disclosed the reward beforehand !

I received the results with a huge sense of relief ! Jeff had made it !

Although there was a huge What next ? question looming over us , we relished every moment of our sweet victory!

You are the light of the world A city set on a hill cannot be hid. Nor do men light a lamp and put it under a bushel, but on a stand, and it gives light to all in the house. Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven

Matthew 5:14-16

Hear the voice of my supplication

as I cry to you for help,

as I lift my hands toward your most holy sanctuary.”

Psalm 28:2

Examinations are the night mare of every parent of a kid with autism.and we were no different . Here in India ,Children with special needs ,opt out of the regular school board when they reach the final year and opt for the National Open school Board Examinations . This board offers a flexible time frame and a wide variety of subjects ; Exams are conducted every six months .

Those days my son was attending private lessons with a special educator . We had applied for a scribe to assist him during the examination.The scribe ,a student from the lower grade had learning difficulties and my son , (I heard )was busy correcting his spelling mistakes : After a while he obviously lost interest and spent the rest of the time chasing mosquitoes! His justification was quite simple -He didn’t want to catch malaria!

In sheer desperation, I thought of other options ; But there was none . All the years of hard work would be wasted if he did not obtain the school certificate.at the end of it all .And I also knew he would be disappointed when his classmates leave the school after the board examinations.

I called to the Lord , asking for guidance . What was the plan for Jeff ? Surely he shouldn’t be sitting idly at home ! If he wrote half of what he knew , he would pass the exams. But the transfer of his knowledge into the answer sheets appropriately , looked like a monstrous task , given the difficulties.

I bless the Lord who gives me counsel; in the night also my heart instructs me . I keep the Lord always before me , because he is at my right hand I shall not be moved .

Psalm 16:7&8

We decided to try again ; this time without a scribe . He did a lot of mock examinations at home too . Though he became comfortable with the pattern , I knew the huge examination hall with strangers would pose many difficulties.

A week before the examinations, we decided to go for another retreat . Summer was at its peak and the road trip wore me down . On the way We stopped at Velakanni ,a famous Marian pilgrim centre . The religious sister at the intercession centre prayed over us ; this time my heart couldn’t hold my worries inside ; they spilled out in the form of tears.

After many pit stops , we reached the retreat centre . We were the early birds as the retreat was to start only the next morning. I had a bad migraine attack by then .As soon as we were allocated a room , my husband took my son out for a walk . Too tired to unpack , I sat alone in the room , asking God why . These attacks usually last for two days . And my plan for a good retreat appeared to have been foiled As I rubbed my forehead , I felt a fragrance around ; the smell of a pain relieving balm . It wasn’t too strong . Strange , as the other rooms on that floor were unoccupied. Within minutes my head ache vanished ! I was all set to attend the vespers !

We went back home after the retreat with light heart . We had left the bundle of our woes at the foot of the cross .

My son cleared that exam and our eyes were opened ! The will of the Lord was that he should attempt the examination by himself. Jeff was overjoyed and his self confidence increased visibly !

For surely I know the plans I have for you , says the Lord , plans for your welfare and not for harm , to give you a future with hope .

Jeremiah 29:11

I have loved you with an everlasting love ; therefore I have continued my faithfulness to you .

Jeremiah 31 :3

The church on the crossroad , became our regular stop on our way to school . Those visits calmed us down , reviving our weak souls . Almost all days were tough but some were tougher . One day , We found ourselves stuck in an impassable traffic jam . By the time we were liberated , the stress levels had hit the roof . The persistent repetitive questions quickened my pulse and I felt as though there were hot coals on my head .. We were late and it’s only after I parked the car in the church yard , did I realise that its doors were closed .

This was not our usual time .. thanks to the road block .My heart sank but it quickly revived as I noticed some regulars going to a small white dome shaped structure near the exit gate.

Without a second thought I dragged my son and went in. To my pleasant surprise, I realised this was an adoration chapel – As I stepped in , my heart beat slowed down visibly . The chapel was all bathed in white The interiors and every object in it were pristine white .. except for the golden monstrance that held the Blessed sacrament . The chapel was circular and a few chairs were arranged close to the wall .. I sat on a chair closest to the Blessed sacrament , with Jeff beside me .

All of a sudden I felt as though someone had showered a heap of snow ! My head became so cool , so calm . The feeling was so real . I looked up and saw the beautiful dome shaped roof that looked like the night sky lit up with stars .. Next to me sat Jeff , a picture of total serenity .

Praying before the blessed sacrament was very difficult for me ; I needed a a cross, a statute or at least a picture to look upon and focus my wandering mind . Even while attending my annual retreats , I used to skip the silent adoration time . I would rather stay in the room and read the Psalms . That day too , I sat there still . afraid that a slight movement from my part may disturb those invisible ice blocks on my head ..

The days that followed charted a remarkable spiritual journey – I had a lot of time in my hands ,as by the grace of God, my son had fitted in the new school perfectly . The teachers especially the Principal was very fond of him .Soon he was taken in for the regular sessions and I was no longer needed to stay at school .

Those days spent a lot of time in the chapel ; The Lord was always there to keep me company .At first , I silently recited the prayers I knew before him . Then it was the psalms and finally I started talking to him . Though my monologue started with prayers and requests , it soon became an outpouring of my soul – my hopes , my dreams , my weaknesses and my fears .. Soon the Lord knew it all . I took him back on a on a journey to my childhood , my teen years , my life before I got wedded .. telling him all about my little sorrows and embarrassments , my little achievements and what then I believed that my life would turn out to be . I told him about my little baby , how in the early days I had wished he would always retain his innocence .. how I used to whisper to him that I would want to be known as Jeff’s mother when he grew up !

(That of course was granted as I am most often identified as such ! )

I reminded him that I needed His help now more than ever ,in my son’s tumultuous adolescence., I wouldn’t be able to navigate these waters without his help. Every day I would tell him what we were going through.

The Lord was there , every morning, some days revealing his ancient eternal splendour, some days , his unfathomable mercy ; on another day he would appear like the morning dew , so pure and so fresh, reminding me of heavenly everlasting peace ! Other days It was his unending love that would envelope me . It would flow all around me till I lose my sense of time and space .. Not a single thought would cruise along.. I would feel so joyful in His presence that time would stand still .. One of those rare moments when even my son too vanished from my thoughts!!

I never heard him speaking but I felt he was listening to me lovingly as I unburden my soul , waiting for me to hush and be still in his presence .. Fortunately all the faithful would be gone after an hour or two , and I was alone with the Lord during Mid day .. I longed for that time ,as my human mind insisted he could listen to me in rapt attention without anyone’s voice overlapping .. a foolish notion ! But I know the Lord understood my frailty more than even myself and gave me the grace to overcome it .

I no longer longed for the others to leave ..For who knows what all trials and tribulations they were facing .. Apparently their souls too had found nourishment in His presence .. May be their need was more than mine !

During school holidays , I missed my alone time with the Lord more than anything else ..

Down in adoration falling,
Lo! the sacred Host we hail,
Lo! oe’r ancient forms departing
Newer rites of grace prevail;
Faith for all defects supplying,
Where the feeble senses fail.

To the everlasting Father,
And the Son Who reigns on high
With the Holy Spirit proceeding
Forth from each eternally,
Be salvation, honor, blessing,
Might and endless majesty.
Amen.

Tantum Ergo Sacrimentum – The English version

St Thomas Aquinas

Do not remember the former things ,

Or consider the things of old .

I am about to do a new thing ,

Now it springs forth , do you not perceive it ?

Isaiah 43:18&19

When our Canadian plan did not materialise , we found ourselves staring at a blank wall . Plan B didn’t exist and we had to swing into action right away . I was discouraged in spirit ,not because we couldn’t immigrate , but I had erred in thinking it was part of God’s plan for us .

I realised it was very easy to get deceived by our own defective faculties; then onwards I just prayed for the doors of His will to be opened and those in opposition to be shut.

Very soon we were led to school which helped children to finish their schooling through the National Open school; The children were coached to appear for their board examinations by a team of dedicated teachers ; The school was founded by a God fearing Mom and it functioned like a family .The bright happy faces of the students buoyed up my spirits . But the school wasn’t ready to welcome us yet . They were doubtful about handling kids from the Autism spectrum. To make matters worse , I had gone to the school without my son ; His meek demeanour would have been helpful . Finally they agreed to include him in their non academic classes , provided that I too stayed on . I was more than willing to oblige them !

As per the recommendation of the Principal , we started taking private lessons from a special educator . Our Mornings became bustling once again – I had to manoeuvre the car through the maddening rush hour traffic of the metro city , first to the special educator and then to the school.Fortunately school day ended before lunchtime and we had the whole afternoon to ourselves.

Things were settling down for us ,bit by bit like a jigsaw puzzle . But Jeff’s bouts of anxiety became more frequent .

Despite being verbal , my son couldn’t express the cause of his anxiety, and I found myself getting impatient with his repetitive questions , especially while driving to the school . Was it hunger or thirst or the traffic – Or was the loss of his Grandparents ? I had no clue . His voice was getting louder and louder and more insistent. My sojourn at the quiet town had an made me inept at managing heavy traffic . Some days were just so unendurable ; On such a day I spotted a church by the wayside ; we were very close to the school and I was surprised that I had never seen this church before . There was nothing attractive about its appearance. It looked like a typical 80’s construction- basic and functional. Though I loved visiting Churches , this one , I would have given a miss..

I was at my wit’s end ; without a thought I swerved the car into its gates ; To my surprise there was a lot of open space behind and I parked the car under a huge rain tree .

I took Jeff into the church urging him to pray . Our eyes were drawn to the huge cross gleaming in its silent dark interiors ,There was no one inside . We knelt down to pray . I closed my eyes and silently prayed for more strength ; suddenly felt something soft on my head -Startled , I opened my eyes only to see his hands on my head . He was intently praying over me . “Jesus , please give Mom more patience. Help her Lord , please ”

I was left speechless ! I I asked him if there was nothing he could do to help me not lose my temper and proceeded to give him a long list ! I am not sure how much of it sunk in or how much he agreed with !

A part of me agreed with him – I needed more patience!

Our hearts lightened , we resumed our journey..

This beautiful church was to become my favourite haunt in the following days – a sanctuary for my weary soul ! – the place that would later lead me to an important step in my spiritual growth.

I am so thankful for that temper tantrum that led me to its steps !

Praise the Lord , all you nations !

Extol him , all you peoples !

For great is his steadfast love toward us ,

And the faithfulness of the Lord endures forever .

Praise the Lord !

Psalm 117

Why are you cast down , O my soul ,

and why are you disquieted within me ?

Hope in the Lord , for I shall again praise him ,

My help and my God .

Psalm 43:5

As the season of Lent enters the fifth week , my mind is engulfed by a sense of regret and disappointment.

After the ending of the third covid wave , I found myself thrown into a vortex of activities – Lockdown days had left me with selective amnesia; I had forgotten about the challenges of the temporal world !

My annoyance with the world soon grew into anger , leading to frustration . I thought I had enough ammunition for a spiritual warfare but I was sadly mistaken! Lockdown days were much simpler and spiritually uplifting!

I was unable to keep the Lenten promise I made to myself – more time in personal prayer ; more time for scripture reading and reflection, more blogging about my spiritual journey.

The feeling of frustration is too overwhelming .. I need to purge myself off all the negativities but my heart is assailed by self doubt .

Then I realise that this feeling is not alien to me – the feeling of helplessness that would push me to the point of giving up ..

Not long ago , I was at the same point , unable to deal with the world the way the Lord asked us to – My inability to forgive easily and my impatience with minor issues daunted me . I found my reactions to people and situations quite contrary to my intentions .

On a Saturday evening we were attending a monthly prayer meet arranged by our retreat centre . I sat on the last bench looking at the rest of the crowd listening to the preacher with rapt attention – It seemed that they were on a higher plane altogether. I felt so small and helpless , I wondered if I would ever make any progress in my spiritual journey. Every small step forward seemed to be followed by two steps backward !

It was soon the turn of the guest speaker , a young priest from Malta to address the gathering . He started with a verse but soon digressed and spoke about an incident from his own life .

One evening ,feeling disillusioned with himself , he had walked into the chapel and knelt down before the tabernacle , dejected and helpless . Then he heard the comforting voice of the Lord lovingly encouraging him to offer himself totally – with all his weaknesses and strengths ; his failures and successes , his helplessness and frustrations..

That’s all the Lord wants … A total surrender with nothing holding us back . He understands our broken human nature and accepts us with all our imperfections .

My grace is sufficient for you for power is made perfect in weakness ..

2 Corinthians 12:9

Then he went on to say something unforgettable- He admitted that this was not what he intended to talk about – he doesn’t know why he narrated this event at all !

And there I was sitting on the last bench , my heart crying out silently , “I know, Father ! It was for me !- the small , insignificant me !! ”

“Come to me , all you that weary and are carrying heavy burdens , and I will give you rest ..”

Matthew 11:28

The shepherd seeks out the weary and the confused lambs and comforts them with love and mercy .And every lamb is precious in his sight !

This memory strengthens and energises me once again .. And I continue with my Lenten journey !

The heart is devious above all else ;

It’s perverse –

Who can understand it ?

Jeremiah 17:9

As the world waits with baited breath, the Russians continue their attack on Ukraine . Strangely enough ,majority of the population in both the countries are practising Christians . The leader who declared war on Ukraine is supposedly a staunch believer. But then it’s not the first time that we have shown the world how far we are, from what the Lord has taught us !

As distressing scenes of bombed residences ,fleeing families and the blood stained faces of the citizens invade our drawing rooms and our conscience, the countries of the world remain divided ..In the diluted moral standards of diplomacy, the distinction between right and wrong is often decided by the selfish interests of each country .

This is often a reflection of our society where even in family circles , there is a lack of reaction or response to unfairness and injustice meted out to a not -so influential member . Everyone knows which side his bread is buttered on and hence prefers to be silent when such incidents crop up . The friendship and the material benefits that come with it , always win . The injustice continues as there’s no one to speak up for the victim.

For the effect of righteousness will be peace and the result of righteousness, quietness and trust forever

Isaiah 32:17

In this regard I admire my son and all those who are on the autism spectrum. They call a spade a spade and that never changes with the seasons! Rules should be obeyed no matter who you are . What the world perceives as inadequacies in their social behaviour, is truth in its very basic form .

When he was younger ,we had to face many embarrassing situations – he would often give free advice to those who are overweight; It didn’t matter to him that more often than not ,they were strangers .

Those who bought soft drinks were his favourite ! After giving them a talk on its contents and how it can affect their health , he would steer them to the shelves where fruit juice was kept .Once at the cash counter of a store I had to intervene and pull away my protesting son from a lady who was billing her soft drinks .

As he grew , he stopped doing so mostly because of our efforts at behaviour modification. But this added on to his anxiety. Covid times are very distressing for him as he sees many , not following the protocol . He would point out ‘no mask ‘& ‘mask on the chin ‘types and worry about them . He was shell shocked when he saw a young priest without mask just before the third wave ! He’s a rule breaker , he declared , thankfully out of ear shot !

His stress levels have come down now that he has started to pray for them . Our evening prayers are getting longer and longer these days !

As I sit in my living room , comfortably jotting down my thoughts, my heart once again goes to Ukraine. These are hard times, more so for the kids with special needs ;especially the ones with Autism.

I can only imagine what the families are going through as the war planes zoom around .. the chaos , the shelling and the life in bunkers .. How much could the Autistic mind take ? And how much longer ?

I hope and pray that hostilities end soon and peace reigns once again .. May the Lord give wisdom to the leaders ! May He free them from their bondage of falsehood , untruth and half – truth ..

Peace and love to all !

May Russia and Ukraine find peace in Christ !

For he is our peace , in his flesh he has made both groups into one and has broken down the dividing wall , that is , the hostility between us .

Ephesians 2:14

We know that all things work together for the good of those who love God , who are called according to His purpose .

Romans 8:28

The loss of my parents left an emotional vacuum in our lives .For a long time , we felt as though our scaffolding has been taken off . Those were tumultuous days .. My son needed constant care but I myself felt like an orphaned homeless little girl who no longer knew which path to take .

His constant questions about death triggered an avalanche of questions in our minds . Questions , hitherto we had never dared to ask ourselves.

What would happen to him after us ? The question that haunts all parents of kids with special needs. In a country like India , there’s hardly any system in place . How could we be sure that he would live in an environment of respect and dignity even after our life time ?

The thought of migrating to a developed country popped up in our minds , The more our vulnerable minds dwelt on it , the more positive it looked . Canada seemed to be good choice – The chances of better training and job prospects offered to those on the spectrum were impressive. We also happened to meet someone who had been working in the same field. The support that such individuals are given both at the workplace and at the residences were admirable. A life of dignity and self respect for Jeff , beyond our times – That became our focus .

I prayed over this and felt it was God’s will . That strong feeling took predominance over reality. Swept by this tide , we spent a lot of time , energy and money pursuing it . Fortunately we came across a professional who told us in no uncertain terms that it was impossible and unadvisable for us to migrate to Canada .

We weren’t totally convinced till we attended a retreat and met a spiritual counsellor. She reiterated the same adding that grass wasn’t greener on the other side .

Looking back I realise how God saved us by closing those doors . Even if we had made it the transition would have been too much for Jeff and the age was definitely wasn’t on our side . Over the years his connection to the extended family has strengthened remarkably. Now during these pandemic times , he makes sure that all our friends and family are doing well with his steadfast prayers . He’s also able to visit them whenever the situation permits and that means a lot to him .

Looking back I often wonder how I misread the situation.Did my mind wrought with anxiety ,deceive me into believing that it was God’s plan for us ? It was definitely not the voice of God ! How does one distinguish between the divine voice and the voice of our flesh , especially in a situation where the choice isn’t between what is morally right or wrong – rather about the one that would mean a major transition ?

Whatever it was , God was there amidst that confusion too , saving us at the right time . This reminded me of a sermon I once heard about seeking God’s will . The priest said he was often confronted with people who were upset about their inability to hear the voice of God before taking an important step . His advice was to surrender our confusion to the Lord and go ahead with the plan , trusting Him.If that was not part of the divine plan , He would step in and save us. All we need to do is to speak to Him constantly and surrender ourselves!

And more than often not , I find myself doing this .. For who can trust the devious human heart ?

For surely I know the plans I have for you , says the Lord , plans for your welfare and not for harm , to give you a future with hope

Jeremiah 29:11

The people who walked in the darkness

have seen a great light ;those who lived

in the land of deep darkness – on them

a light has shined .

Isaiah 9:2

O come O Come Emmanuel

And ransom captive Israel ….

The haunting lyrics of the ancient carol seem to have been written for these challenging times .. The world finds itself still entangled in the evil clutches of Covid 19. The new strain has put a halt to celebrations worldwide, forcing the faithful once again to be confined to their homes

Only Emmanuel can save this weary world from slipping into despair and helplessness ..

In other countries, where the new strain is yet to assume its monstrous form , there is still restlessness and anxiety. The Herods of the times seem to be feeling threatened by the message of the Messiah -Love , peace and forgiveness would spell doom to their kingdom. It is vital to stoke up the embers and keep them burning.. Churches are attacked , Bible burnt , the faithful threatened .. The administration prefers to look the other way . ‘ Conversion ‘is the new perceived danger to ‘ national security! ‘

Meanwhile Joseph gently knocks at the door of human hearts , looking for a place for baby Jesus … We reflect on the state of our own hearts – pondering if we are the callous innkeepers who turned away Mary , carrying Jesus in her womb ; while Herod continues to plot , frightened of losing his power over the masses .

From time immemorial, all those who have sought him in earnest , have always found him – the shepherds who were gifted with a vision of His glory ; the Magi who undertook a long hazardous journey for a glimpse of Him.

When you search for me , you will find

me ; if you seek me with all your heart ,

I will let you find me , says the Lord and

I will restore your fortunes and gather

you from all the nations and all the

places I have driven you , says the Lord

and I will bring you back to the place

from which I sent you into exile .

Jeremiah 29:13&14

And the exiled children of Eve wait for the blessed saviour , Emmanuel…..

May God bless us all !

“Out of the depths I cry to you ,O Lord, Lord , hear my voice !

Let your ears be attentive to the voice of my supplications! “

Psalm 130:1&2

After mulling over the situation, we finally decided to shift back to the Metro .

Jeff’s academic prospects looked bleak in the town we were residing ; His medical condition also required regular follow up in the Metro city .

The drawback was that we would not be able to make those weekend visits to see my ailing mother . It was important that we made travel plans cautiously as sleeplessness triggered his epileptic attacks . Mummy knew nothing about this as I thought it would only aggravate her condition. Daddy’s demise had affected her terribly – Gone was the lady who was fearless, confident and always cheerful . My house had fallen silent , bereft of her loud laughter . She would laugh at the silliest of things and would never miss an opportunity to pull our legs !

Her eyes now mirrored helplessness and sorrow . Even today I brood over it – Did she become more anxious as our visits became less frequent ? Perhaps I should have told her the reason . Whenever this thought threatens to create a whirlpool of guilt in my mind , I call out to the Lord , pleading for mercy , to let her know why we couldn’t be at her side often .

Soon after we relocated , my mother fell into a comma . We rushed home, She was already in the Intensive Care Unit .I could only see her for a few minutes in the afternoon. When I called her , I could see her forehead & eye lids twitching .. I was told that it was impossible as she had been unresponsive since morning. But I believe a mother would hear the voice of her child even when her own life is slipping away .

I placed my hands over her forehead and spoke to her softly . I saw her again in the same evening. This time she did not respond to my voice . The next day she passed away .

The pain of losing one’s mother pierces into the very heart of our being . The wound never heals completely; Everything that she loved during her time on Earth reminds me of her .. Not a day passes by without remembering her .

The initial period was traumatic as I had only Jeff as company . My brain had devised a plan to cope with the loss – It had pushed away the painful scenes of the funeral and led me into a world of make believe- All was well ; My parents were still around , safe and happy in my hometown.

There was no such escape for my son ; his autistic brain couldn’t forget , it dwelt on the loss repeatedly . Jeff paced up and down the house , asking me about her all the time . My frayed nerves couldn’t take it any longer , I raised my voice and forbade him from asking me anything, anything at all ..

He seemed to have taken refuge in the virtual world ; Anxious , I looked in to the search history and found that he had been googling about heaven . Images of heaven / stairway to heaven .. It went on and on !

I pulled myself up , shrugging away the blanket of sorrow and got into action . How could I forget someone who needed more comfort than me ! His differently wired brain must have shot up many questions.He had lost both his Grandparents in a period of two years . I could imagine the monologue in his brain ! Everyone said they were heaven But where was heaven ? How did it look like ?

In very simple words , I described heaven to him – Place of pure joy , beautiful and so perfect ! There are no tears , no illness , no death in heaven – one could walk around with Jesus , Mother Mary ,& St Joseph ! There were angels all around . And most importantly there would be no bullies !

My heart became lighter as I watched my son’s eyes lighting up ! Soon his excitement became boundless and he wanted to get there as early as possible!

“For this reason they are before the throne of God ,

And worship him day and night before his temple ,

and the one who is seated in the throne will shelter them .

They will hunger no more , and thirst no more ;

The sun will not strike them , nor any scorching heat ;

for the Lamb at the centre of the throne will be their shepherd,

and he will guide them to the springs of the water of life ,

and God will wipe away every tear from their eyes. “

Revelation 7:15-17.