The Lord is faithful in all his words and gracious in all his deeds .

The Lord upholds those who are falling ,

And raises all who are bowed down .

Psalm 145:13b- 14

At this point of time we were moving at a steady pace . Once again our boat settled on a steady pace over the waves of uncertainty.

Jeff’s days followed a schedule- just the way he wanted . Robotics , Keyboard and Computer classes . In six months time , he obtained a diploma in computer applications.

More than anything else , his self confidence grew under the watchful eyes of his teacher . He encouraged him to interact with his classmates. He was travelling by himself , even managing to pay the fare to the auto rickshaw driver. With Antony sir waiting for him at the destination, I had no worries . Unbeknown to him , Antony sir would message me every time Jeff reached the institute and again , as he was returning home .

He was treated like a neurotypical by his teacher . He insisted that Jeff approached him directly to sort out any ambiguity . Till then he had shied away from tackling any confusion on his own , depending on me or in my absence , any friendly person in the vicinity.

This time he had no choice but to come out of his blissful cocoon !

Spurred on by Antony sir’s support , we thought of pursuing another computer course in the same institute; However that was not meant to be ; He passed away all of a sudden, leaving us in distress .

I had written about his demise in my blog post titled’ Of death and dying ‘ dated 19 July 2019; when I had just started my blogging journey .

The question ‘What next’ seemed to be popping up regularly in our journey. His brief stint at another institute had revealed his interest in graphic designing and photo editing . I reached out to my friends , fellow moms ,and Jeff’s former teachers for help . We were looking for a young professional – who would be open minded , friendly & ready to take up a challenge, someone who believed in the latent potential of such young adults . Many recommended institutes catering to those with special needs . But we were looking for someone who would give him individual attention , who could mentor him in the process ; it was no easy task . We waited on the Lord , refusing to give up hope .

Weeks passed by and finally we were approached by a young lady . Soon we met at a neighbourhood cafe ; she was a designer , an artist and a photographer who was on a sabbatical from the corporate world . However her knowledge about Autism was limited . In fact she had no prior experience in teaching anyone with special needs . But I found her to be bright and sensitive,and enthusiastic . She was curious to know about our journey and the associated challenges .

She suggested that we focus on his creativity and self expression rather than technical knowledge. Working with the system might prove be a distraction . We agreed to start art classes with an open mind . I had no clue about his talent as far as art was concerned – an area which we had never explored.

We soon started our sessions ; The setting was either her house or mine .At that point . we had only some vague details of her family . Soon we met the rest – her Grandmother, parents and sisters – she belonged to a family of pastors . Enough for us to slip into a state of tranquility ! I realised it was the hand of God that led us this time too !

The initial sessions , she had informed, would be just an exploration . We were in no hurry !

“Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path .”

Psalm 119:105

Why are you cast down , O my soul ,

and why are you disquieted within me ?

Hope in the Lord ; for I shall again praise him ,

my help and my God

Psalm 42:5

Rejection is a painful experience- especially when it is about differences – differences that emerged due to your neurological condition .. Jeff , like all the others on Autism Spectrum didn’t choose this developmental disorder.

Our experience during the admission process wasn’t anything new ; we had encountered such situations right from the time of his diagnosis. But that didn’t make it less painful.

Over the years we had protected him from negative environments by limiting our social circles & by a judicious selection of his arena of activities . Still there have been instances when he was exposed to negative comments / unsolicited advice or even pity from some inescapable family groups – Some ridiculous though well intentioned. However , there have also been some vitriolic comments from unexpected quarters . We were often taken aback by such instances that questioned the genuineness of relationships. More than anything else I was perplexed by the complexity of human nature and the disparity between appearances and reality. Having a child with Autism revealed the truth of some relationships.

I realised it was futile to shield him ; More often than not , the world was a cruel place for those who were different.

It took me some months to get accustomed to the new reality .. College education was not meant for him . Though it was a heart breaking moment for Jeff , we were left with no choice .

Analysing his strengths and interests , we opted for developing his skills – Robotics , Music and computers were his areas of interest. I prayed fervently for divine guidance. God answered my prayers one by one , by leading us to the right persons .

Our soul waits for the Lord ;

He is our help and shield

Psalm 33:20

A deacon serving at our parish offered to teach him keyboard ; I found a centre that offered robotic classes for those with challenges , provided someone accompanied them , for which I was more than willing . Soon they realised Jeff was too good at it and his mom wasn’t ! .

In one of the most beautiful areas of the city we discovered a computer training centre attached to the local parish . The teacher was an elderly man , and Jeff was enrolled for a diploma course in computers.

Every afternoon jeff had to attend computer classes . I dropped him at the centre and spent the rest of the time in their adoration chapel , praying. Soon the scorching summer heat made it unbearable . An autorickshaw driver was given the responsibility of taking him to the centre . He was from our parish , someone who had lost his son tragically.We found him to be kind and caring .

Jeff enjoyed this period of independence ; His computer teacher , Antony sir was also an enthusiastic partner in our mission of making Jeff independent. He would message me a soon as Jeff arrived at the centre and then again when he started his ride back . Keen to help Jeff , he had even consulted some professionals to know more about autism .

The centre catered to all kinds of kids . Neurotypical and those with challenges. There was a paraplegic boy who came from the home of the missionaries of charity – a quick learner , He was like a ray of sunshine , cracking jokes and laughing out loud .It was a treat to watch the comradeship between Antony sir and him . They often teased each other .

The only issue was that the auto driver would take a different route at times , making him restless . Jeff preferred the quieter route through narrow roads skirting a cemetery and a residential area , away from the city traffic . He thoroughly enjoyed handing him over the fare at the gate , like everyone else ! Things were looking up again, all thanks to God !

The Lord is faithful in all his words ,

And gracious in all his deeds.

The Lord upholds all who are falling,

and raises up all who are bowed down .

Psalm 145 :13b&14

Make a joyful noise to the Lord, all the Earth Worship the Lord with gladness ; come into his presence with singing.

Psalm 100:1&2

There are some days that one never forgets – As you flip through through the pages of your memory , they overwhelm you with the same emotional intensity!

The day Jeff’s senior secondary results were published, was one of those .. We needed to know only how he had scored in the last paper , Environmental science . In a period of two years he had done his course , cleared all the other subjects, two at a time , appearing for the exams at the end of every six months , the flexibility the open school board had allowed .

This time he had done really well , way beyond our expectations! He had successfully completed the course in a period of two years , the minimum time span allowed by the board . He had done well in all , especially in Mass Communication and Environmental Science.

Through out this period Our eternal helper was by our side ..our study time always started with a prayer to the Holy Spirit . This time , I was pleasantly surprised by Jeff’s perseverance and motivation . Every day he would urge me to stick to the schedule and the split up of curriculum which I had made at the very beginning. The teacher wasn’t allowed to take her work lightly! Gone was the lackadaisical attitude of yesteryears ! The Holy spirit definitely worked within him .

“Teach me to do your will , for you are my God . Let your good spirit lead me on a level path .”

Psalm 143:10

Buoyed up with this success, we started thinking about college education. Those days, awareness about Autism was slowly seeping into educational institutions: some of the colleges in our metro city had begun to open their doors to students with autism.

We approached one of the prestigious colleges in our city , through a friend , a senior faculty member . Since Jeff had shown considerable interest in Mass communication, we had selected Bachelor’s in visual communication . The principal asked us to go through the test affirming that they were open to Autism.

Jeff cleared the test and was shortlisted for the interview . Our excitement waned as we watched how the facial expression of the teachers changed the moment we mentioned autism . It was as though a mask of apathy had descended on their faces . Coldly they told us that an interview by the Principal was mandatory before we paid the fees . I noticed that the other families were already proceeding to the fee counter . Something was amiss, but I chose to shrug aside my observations and we quickly proceeded to the principal’s office.

All three of us found ourselves seated before the middle aged Jesuit priest ( Father Principal they called him ) flanked by two other priests , all in their cassocks . After an exchange of pleasantries , he started to express their helplessness- they were not equipped to deal with the complexities of Autism . Undeterred , I went on to describe my son’s academic history, he had always gone to regular schools and interacted with neurotypicals . The institutions had no complaint , whatsoever , about him . He was a cheerful , compliant student and a stickler for rules .

The principal , however countered this by another argument. The other students might make some insensitive remarks or even bully him -Too much of a risk . I offered to sensitise the student population. He was not convinced that it would be effective considering the strength . Finally he emphatically told us that they had no space for him . As a parting remark he suggested that we should get him treated first .. That was the final blow .

I wanted to scream at him that Autism is not not a disease; it is a disorder. I wanted to tell him that the statics show that one in every 67 kids have autism in our state . He could not afford to be unaware of Autism anymore . Who knows , soon there would be autistic priests in his congregation . Why not get prepared by then ? And this was definitely not the way to handle families with Autism. But my words refused to materialise.. My throat had gone completely dry .

Tears clouded my eyes and found their way to my cheeks .I thought of my son .. He was so excited about joining this college. . How on earth will he handle such a major disappointment? My husband put an end to that uneasy meeting by marching out , dragging me with him . There was indeed no point in sitting there anymore .

Jeffs spirit plummeted from the pinnacle of excitement to abyss of despair . All the joy of doing well his senior secondary examinations vanished by that cruel blow ; He had imagined that he would be going to college , just like his friends, enjoying the camaraderie unique to campus life . He spoke about it for months ; Even now whenever he’s disappointed, he would recall that incident . It is firmly saved in his file of disappointments .

Those scenes played over and over on my mind too . I was appalled by the fact that the head of a such a reputed institution had no awareness about Autism. The fact that he was in his cassock increased my frustration. Was concern towards the marginalised restricted to just sermons ?

For months I struggled with my questions . We weren’t sure that that college environment would have suited Jeff ; the noise levels were too high ; there were too many people around . But surely we could have been given a chance .. Or at least the Principal could have handled us differently . Why were we given to understand that a seat was guaranteed once Jeff cleared the test ?

Anger and frustration found its way to my heart . It took months for me to forgive him and all those who have shown such callousness. I deliberately brought to mind all the priests who have helped us in our journey and thanked the Lord for his care . But ‘Why ‘loomed large in my mind .. Why did God allowed us to go through this ? I could find no answer .

It took another year for me to understand the purpose behind it all .

We know all things work together for good for those who love God , who are called according to his purpose

Romans 8;28

Come and hear , all you who fear God , and I will tell you what he has done for me .

Psalm 66:16

Spurred on by the success of his first examination, the toughest paper , we continued our mission . Every six months, he appeared for two papers , leaving Environmental science for the last attempt . He managed to do well in all the subjects , casting my fears away .

More than anything else, I was pleasantly surprised by his enthusiasm. As he was homeschooled completely this time , I had made a schedule for the preparation. Being a stickler for rules , he ensured that I followed it to a T . We did only three hours of studying in a day . And there were days when I would want to take it easy . But we never missed a single week day thanks to his insistence! No more lazy afternoons for me !

Every time he appeared for an examination, our prayers flew up to the heavens .More than anything else , we prayed for peace- his inner peace that was sadly dependent on many factors – traffic , weather , noise levels. By then we had accustomed to the fact that even in perfect conditions , Jeff would be able to transfer only seventy percent of what he knew , to the answer sheets .

The syllabus of the last subject , Environmental science, was voluminous . We focused on his favourite topics , environmental pollution , conservation , and sustainable development ,leaving the chapters on evolution , which he found irrational .

For the practical examination, the students were asked bring some materials which in a way ,gave us a clue to the expected questions. Since materials to set up an aquarium featured in the list , we watched some you tube videos to understand the basics- the dos and don’ts and the reasons behind it .

On the day of the practical examination, I sat on the stone bench in the mango grove as usual . There were only two students for this exam . After the bell rang out, I got up with a sigh of relief. The other student came out looking relaxed- pebbles ,sand and water plants peeping out through the mouth of his bag .Doubtlessly setting up of an aquarium had featured in the question paper . Then came my son , cheerfully , with his aquarium set unopened .Alarmed , I asked him if he hadn’t attempted that question . All that he said was ‘ No !’.

In a trice, I was at the door of the exam hall , looking frantically for the invigilator. She was a teacher at the study centre – a very sweet , calm lady who understood the struggles of a parent -teacher . ‘Don’t worry’, she said , even before I could say anything. ‘ He chose another question and did that really well !

The Holy spirit was clearly at work . My son had made a decision and he had chosen wisely !

By then my poor heart had gone through varying levels of stress in that brief period- The heartbeat finally settled down at an excited level of acceleration .How I wished he had told me what he had done !

You will raise up and have compassion on Zion ; for it’s time to favour it ; the appointed time has come .

Psalm 102:13

I thanked the Lord for this lady teacher as she had saved me from many a sleepless nights ! The parents were not allowed on the campus during the theory examination. We waited at the gate anxiously. I was so relieved to see this lady teacher at the entrance, nodding reassuringly at me while Jeff came out of the hall . My heart swelled in gratitude as I recalled how the Lord always placed loving, compassionate persons on our path .

Truly he was always near us , comforting us, allaying our fears , strengthening our faith .. Never have I felt his strong hand leading us more than this crucial period in our lives !

Do not fear , for I am with you , do not be afraid , for I am your God ; I will strengthen you , I will help you , I will uphold you with my victorious right hand .

Isaiah 41:10

Not to us , O Lord , not to us , but to your name give glory , For the sake of your steadfast love and your faithfulness.

Psalm115:1

Jeff’s difficulties with language was proving to be a major obstacle in the way of achieving academic success. In a system where the assessments require skills in comprehension and expression , kids like my son often struggle.

While in school , I could make out that he had understood the concepts in science , with the help of multiple choice questions or even one word questions. He would pick the right answer but he was unable to explain how he had reached the answer . Same applied to his calendar skills . He would be able to tell us the day , if you give him a date just like many on the spectrum. But till now he hasn’t been able to tell us how he does it . Once after being pestered by his cousins , he had exclaimed that it was a basic skill !

At the senior secondary level , English posed us the greatest hurdle . In the open school system one needn’t do the additional Language but English was mandatory.

The question paper ran into pages – with 4 sections – Reading(where comprehension is tested)writing (general writing skills is tested here), Grammar(general)&the textual section (with questions from the prescribed books).

Grammar was something which he could do .. There were clear rules to it ! , He would be able to answer the questions from the text too .. But the question paper pattern had allotted only a quarter of the total marks to this section .

Writing would be the most difficult part as it included essays on general topics , official letters , informal letters etc . We couldn’t depend on this section to garner the required marks for a pass !

Jeff was good with comprehension provided it was not a literary piece . Any passage on current topics would be interesting for him . In fact he used to read the newspaper every morning, very earnestly.

But writing down the answers in his own words would be difficult; and so I had advised him just to copy the sentence where the answer lies , without trying to change it .

Armed with all these tactics , we set out for the examination . It was a hot summer afternoon .. not an ideal day for a lengthy examination! I watched him going up the stairs to the hall with trepidation . If he clears this , half the battle is won !

Looking around I spotted a garden bench under a huge mango tree . It was a welcoming sight for someone who had to wait for hours for the final bell signifying the end of the allotted time .

I walked over and sat on the garden bench. The tree in full bloom offered the much needed respite from the heat . The squirrels that ran up the trunk chattering away provided some amusement too ! Soon I was joined by moms like me – anxious mothers of kids with special needs – we discussed the subjects , the challenges and our strategies . Our kids were all different and we have all found different ways to manage their studies .

Except for this little group , the campus was empty . The neurotypical kids had come on their own , unaccompanied by parents

After a couple of hours , the children started to trickle out , soon they came out in droves looking happy and relaxed. Our kids had the provision of extra time and so they appeared a bit later . One by one , the parents left . Soon I found myself all alone .. It seemed as though my son was determined to take full advantage of the additional hour !

The rays of the setting sun was creating beautiful patterns on the reddish ground as it filtered through the mango leaves . I gazed at them intently trying to block out my worries ..

At the bell which signalled the end of the additional hour , my son came out looking like the Sun itself ! His hair sticking out like the rays of the Sun .. He had twisted his hair into spikes .. something that he did whenever he was stressed .

Running up to me he exclaimed; “ Mom , We didn’t do these lessons “. I glanced at the question paper and my heart sank.. The person who set the question paper this time had added his own touch to it by mixing up the sections ! As a result the general comprehension passages were interspersed with the textual ones – a nonsensical move – -one that would make things so complicated for an autistic mind .

Apparently he had not attempted those passages . Now I had no idea where the required marks would come from .

At that moment , I felt swept away by a wave of helplessness. And I just blurted out “what more can I do ? I can’t write the exam for you .. “

My son looked so helpless and sad . Later on I regretted my reaction but it was out before I even realised what I was saying. . He spoke of nothing else the following week . He kept repeating that he had written the letter to the editor and the essay in the writing section . But I was not confident at all.

I prayed for wisdom while mentally preparing myself for what seemed to be the inevitable- another attempt .

After two months , we came to know that the results have been uploaded on the website. We checked the website when Jeff was so engrossed in watching a movie … To our amazement, we saw that Jeff had cleared his English Examination, that too with a good margin !!

This is the Lord’s doing ; It’s marvellous in our eyes. Psalm 118:23

Our squeals of laughter brought Jeff to the room . In an instant , we all broke into a dance of pure joy !

God is indeed , merciful !

Gracious is the Lord and righteous; Our Lord is merciful. The Lord protects the simple ; when I was brought low , he saved me . Return , O my soul, to your rest , For the Lord has dealt bountifully with you .

Psalm 116:5-7

“Tell the daughter of Zion ,

Look , your king is coming to you

humble , mounted on a donkey,

and on a colt , the foal of a donkey .”

Matthew 21 :5

As we enter into the Holy Week , with Palm Sunday celebrations , the faithful all over the world prepare their hearts and minds for a spiritual renewal culminating with Easter .More and more we realise that our efforts to accompany Jesus on his way to Calvary cannot be achieved without help from above .

As I entered the church yesterday , I was taken up by the beauty of the altar .. Tender Palm leaves , pale yellow with a tinge of green around the edges have been meticulously folded into intricate shapes.. It looked nothing like the humble palm leaves that we were all carrying! I wondered at the creativity of those anonymous hands that decorated the altar .. A precious memory of another pair of tiny hands carrying a cross surfaced from the depths of my memory.

Palm Sunday held at a church two decades ago- My son was a toddler , with a very limited vocabulary.. He wasn’t diagnosed with Autism at that time . My happy sociable baby had taken a different route at eighteen months – he had become withdrawn, was happy only when left alone . The world must have been too overwhelming for his nervous system .Whenever we took him out , he would run very fast, as though he was fleeing from some unknown danger .

I was a young mom , confused and worried . My maternal instincts told me that there was something amiss though our paediatrician assured us otherwise .

That Sunday too , we arrived at the church late . The blessing and the distribution of the palms were over long back .. The church was filled to the brim .. The crowd overflowed to the corridors around the church. I found a nook near a pillar . There I sat , leaning against the pillar , lost in thought. My son was in the churchyard playing under the watchful eyes of his father.

Helplessness started gnawing at my heart . This was the first Palm Sunday that I would go home without the blessed palm . “Lord , forgive me , I do not even know what’s happening.. “said my lips silently.

All of a sudden I was woken up from my reverie by a soft touch on my shoulder . It was a pretty little girl with a charming smile holding a cross made with palm . Silently she handed it over to me .I took it from those tiny little hands ,bewildered .And then ,I promptly gave it back to her with a smile but then to my amazement, she shook her head and indicated that it was for me ! I found it unbelievable that a four year old would part with her prized possession, this cross , the handiwork of her father or mother.

There was no exchange of words between us . But I was truly touched by her gesture .. I felt God saw my heart and sent one of his angels to reassure me !

Looking back , I wonder if God was trying to tell me of what would follow soon ..The diagnosis ,and the hectic schedule of interventions? Was he asking me to accept the cross from him lovingly as Jesus had done ?

I’m often feel we are like Simon of Cyrene , who helped Jesus to carry the cross .. The cross is carried by our children born into a world which they cannot comprehend .. a world that’s mostly indifferent at its best , often callous and sometimes even cruel .

They accompany Jesus on his way to Calvary unquestioningly; their suffering untainted by complaints.

Our burden is made lighter as we carry it with love and in return we receive unconditional love ten times more from our children. Mothers around the world do understand what it is like to the carry the cross for love !

Jesus on the other hand , allowed himself to be humiliated , scourged and crucified for our sake .. we ,who are sinful , ungrateful and conceited. .. No sacrifice can ever be compared to the sacrifice at Calvary .. No one can claim that he or she is suffering like Jesus .

Indeed , rarely will anyone die for a righteous person-though perhaps for a good person someone might actually dare to die . But God proves his love for us in that while we still were sinners Christ died for us .

Romans 5:7&8

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not rely on your own insight , In all your ways acknowledge him , and he will make straight your paths

Proverbs 3 :5&6

Feeling rejuvenated after my pilgrimage to Italy , I plunged into my mission – to do whatever I can ,to make life easier for my son . He would definitely need an occupation that would fetch him some income ; more importantly something he would enjoy doing.

We thought pursuing academics wouldn’t be a good idea as the environment and the examination system in the higher educational institutions were far from empathetic to persons with special needs.The huge gap between his knowledge and expression was disheartening. Added to his anxiety of exams were the external triggers – traffic , noise levels in the exam hall etc etc – Wouldn’t a vocational course be more suited for him ?

But Jeff was keen on completing his senior school ; After all , his friends who had scored less than him were going ahead with their studies . Here we faced a new challenge- No schools in the radius of 10 km held classes for senior secondary of the national open school system .I realised that we would have to opt for homeschooling. Seeing his interest , I decided to take up this challenge.

We decided to enrol him for a computer program at the same time . Home schooling could become monotonous. It was important that he interacted with his peer group . Soon we came across a centre that was launching a computer course of three years for young adults with Autism. The description looked interesting as after the initial stage the student would be trained in coding or graphics based on his interest and ability . It was launched by a mother of a young adult with autism; I had met her at a workshop a few years back .

The centre was a few kilometres away from home . At the centre , the young professionals told me that the lady was running the institute remotely as the family had moved to another metro thousands of miles away . And they had not received any application so far . I left my number with them , hoping and praying someone would join the course .

In a few weeks time I heard from the lady ; Apparently another student had joined in and she requested me to run the centre as a coordinator. I was hesitant as my computer skills were minimal and I had zero experience in administration. But she said my experience as a special educator would help as the young professionals needed guidance . Having a parent professional would help in roping in more students.

I was in a fix ; They might not start the course as she said it was impossible for her to run the centre remotely. Despite my fears I said yes to her .

I regretted that moment many times in the following weeks as the atmosphere in the centre wasn’t very positive- the young girls were distant ,aloof and unresponsive when I tried to make them aware of the nuances of Autism . Adding to my woes , my role seemed to be having more responsibilities than what was conveyed to me . The lady kept talking to all of us over the phone individually and that wasn’t helping at all . Despite my fervent prayers there were no new takers for this course !

Be pleased , O God , to deliver me O Lord , make haste to help me

Psalm 70:1

Then came a young professional like a breath of fresh air ! ! She was intelligent , friendly and full of life ! The environment was slowly imbued with a spirit of trust and positive energy. As we started bonding , a lot of things came to light . I realised that the curriculum had just impressive bullet points . I was told there was a well planned curriculum in place ! The girls were asked to develop the curriculum in the afternoons when the classes got over . They were hardly equipped to do so . We also had been receiving contradictory instructions over the phone which created a smog of mistrust and confusion .

I soon resigned but still helped out on an honorary basis for a few months . Jeff did learn the skills necessary for his senior secondary examinations. The soft skill classes were also very interactive and needless to say , all of us enjoyed them .

We pulled Jeff out of the program ,forgoing the deposit – Staying on would have only meant loss of time , money and energy

My inclination to trust any parent with a special needs blindly , was shaken up by this trial .

But on the brighter side ,I realised why God did not answer my fervent prayers for more students for this program!

By God’s grace , not a single parent lost their money because of my canvassing! After that eye opener , I do not worry over unanswered prayers .

Our loving father knows what’s good for us ; we are his children . Which father would give his child something bad ?

Is there anyone among you who ,if your child asks for bread, will give a stone ? Or if the child ask for a fish , will give a snake ? If you then who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your father in heaven give good things to those who ask him?

Matthew 7:9-11

Praise the Lord !

Praise the Lord from the heavens ;

Praise him in the heights !

Praise him , all his angels ;

Praise him all his host!

Psalm 148:1&2

Rejuvenated after the visit to Sancta Scala , I took part in the rest of our Italian pilgrimage with enthusiasm. Vatican museum with its priceless collection of art and sculpture was truly amazing.. I wondered if a month would be sufficient to go through it all ! We visited the Cathedrals in Milan , Rome , Padua , Venice and of course Assisi , the birthplace of the patron saint of Italy , St Francis Assisi .

Nestled among the Umbrian hills , Assisi turned out to be my most favourite of all ..

The medieval town with its castles , monasteries and stone houses was so enchanting! It felt as though we had stepped back a few centuries in time !

We walked along the cobbled streets , lined on either side by tall medieval homes , gazing at their ancient windows with wooden blinds , quaint letter boxes , engraved door posts ..flowers spilling out of the flower pots perched on the dark brown walls – There was beauty everywhere!

My friend spoke so reverently in a half whisper , ” Just imagine ! We are walking on the same street once tread upon by St Francis ! ” St Francis – the mystic saint who imitated Jesus in every way .. Who gave up his privileged life for the sake of the Savior and lived the life of the poorest of the poor .True , if those stones could speak , they would have sung eloquently about his deep love for Jesus !

For Those who are in some way connected with Autism , St Francis is of interest due to another reason ..His beloved disciple , Brother Juniper is believed to be the first recorded case of Autism in history. Captivated by his devotion and childlike innocence , St Francis is believed to have exclaimed ,”would to God , my brothers , I had a whole forest of such Junipers !”

Brother Juniper strictly adhered to the words of Christ , sometimes quite literally too . He had often turned up in the monastery during the evenings , naked, as he had given away his clothing to someone in want! It is said that the Franciscan brothers were afraid to leave their cloaks around , as Juniper would gladly donate them to the beggars .

He seemed to have no ideas out social rules or propriety; Once an ailing brother expressed his desire to have a broth of pig’s feet . In no time , Juniper rushed out and cut of the feet of a pig in the nearby farm , much to the dismay of the farmer ! Chided by St Francis , he went up to the farmer for rendering an apology but he had no idea why he should do so ! He explained the situation , hugged the farmer and begged him to give away with the rest of the pig for the poor . Bowled over by his innocence the farmer did likewise .

Brother Juniper’s stories spread like wildfire in the countryside . In another instance , once on a visit to a village , the whole village came up to meet him , greeting him enthusiastically . They were astonished when Brother Juniper turned back and took to his heels ! This was attributed to his humility; yet if he were truly autistic, the whole incident would have been too overwhelming for him !

There are many such endearing stories about Brother Juniper. One would never know if he had autism. Some incidents do reveal autistic traits . But autistic or not , he was definitely saint like ! Autism must have made it easier for him to reach that level of humility and innocence .

He never understood the unwritten rules of this world .. Nor did he care ! The world with its trappings held no fascination for him . He apparently was so immersed in working for the kingdom of God that nothing else seemed to have mattered to him . He was childlike in his attitude . Isn’t that what Jesus told us too ?

Let the little children come to me ; do not stop them ; for it is to such as these that the kingdom of God belongs . Truly I tell you , whoever does not receive the kingdom of God as a little Child will never enter it

Mark 10:14&15

St Francis saw a pure soul in Brother Juniper .. For someone who would have been considered a jester or a nuisance , this bond would have mattered a lot .

I stepped into in the serene Basilica of St Francis Assisi, where the remains of the saint are interred , reflecting on this unique friendship between the saint and Brother Juniper .

As I gazed at the beautiful frescoes , depicting the life of the saint , I prayed for a good friend for my son and for all those junipers .. May there be someone who would understand them and love them unconditionally.

The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me ;

Your steadfast love , O Lord,endures forever .

Psalm 138:8

Sing to the Lord with thanksgiving;

Make melody to our God on the lyre ‘

Psalm 147 :7

As the day for my Italian pilgrimage approached , I fell into a vortex of emotions – excitement , gratitude and anxiety . I had never stayed apart from Jeff for so many days .. However my husband was very confident that he would be able to manage both home and office without me . Jeff did not seem to be having any issue either ; but knowing his difficulty in expression , I wondered what went on his mind ..

Finally we reached Rome after a long flight to Zurich and a long bus journey.. The very next day was the celebratory mass for canonisation of Mother Theresa of Calcutta along with a few other souls . Armed with a paper bag containing a sandwich and an apple we entered St. Peter’s square early in the morning; The square was already getting filled ; some of the pilgrims seemed to have spent the night in the square !

Take delight in the Lord ,

and he will give you

the desires of your heart

Psalm 37:4

Finally I was there ! In Vatican ! Those endless colonnades , those beautiful structures , the magnificent Cathedral, the life like marble statues of the saints gazing down upon the crowds..a place so dear to me ! I had never missed any telecast we could get from Vatican in my younger days .. I would watch the direct telecast of the passion week straight from Vatican even after attending the long service in our parish church , much to the amusement of my siblings ! Standing in St. Peter’s square was a dream come true for me ! I wondered if it was a dream !

The air was filled with chatter in multiple languages .. A sea of people – of different races and hues – There were Asians , Europeans , Australians , South Americans and North Americans … The piazza embraced them all with open arms. Cassocks and habits of different hues rendered a spiritual dimension to the atmosphere .. There were babies in prams , toddlers , young children, teens , adults and the elderly ,some in wheel chairs – It was incredible..the universal church so beautifully represented in this informal gathering ! Where else would one witness such a spectacle !

Pope Francis was greeted with a lot of applause as he entered the venue . Under the blue sky, the mass commenced .. The saints were now officially part of the galaxy of catholic saints – highly introspective human beings who were forthright about their weaknesses, who allowed God to work through them despite opposition from within and without .

My mind raced back in time – With deep regret I recalled how mindlessly I had relinquished a golden chance to meet Mother Theresa in person. A few decades ago , when I was in Calcutta, a religious sister had offered to take me to her . I had heard many people narrating how their lives underwent complete transformation after meeting her and I was afraid , afraid that upon meeting her I might become spell bound and join the missionaries of charity straightaway .. And I never ,ever wanted to be a nun ..So I politely declined that offer .And here I was watching her being canonised !

Meanwhile the summer sun was beating down on us mercilessly.. Many spectators got sunstroke . Though I was covered with a sun hat and an umbrella, I too fell a prey to the heat . My head started to throb and soon it reached monstrous proportions.. Heat often triggered migraine attacks in me .

By noon the function came to a close ; by then my body had absorbed more heat than it could handle . Soon we heard loud cheers from one section of the crowd ; Someone shouted that the Papa mobile was on its way ! Pope Francis had already endeared himself to us through his austerity, simplicity and openness . He was like a movie star to that gathering !

But alas ! Though I jumped up , to rise above the tall Franciscan monks who were right in front of me , it was of no avail !

All I could see was a part of his face – the spectacles and the smiling eyes !

I wished , like Zacchaeus, there was a sycamore tree for me to climb on , to get a better view !

By then I had a severe headache and my heart was also racing ahead ., The palpitations made me worry ..Lunch made me even more nauseous and my head started spinning . I sat on a bench a little away , suddenly feeling guilty about the whole trip . Was it really God’s plan ? Or was I being selfish in coming here alone without my son ? I wanted to go back home .. as soon as possible. From the pinnacle of happiness I plunged into the abyss of despair in no time ..

Suddenly I heard my name being called out ; a friend from another town ! Friends meeting at St. Peter’s square .. that must be divinely ordained . She sensed there was something wrong . Quietly she sat next to me and asked me if I was worried about Jeff . She assured me of her prayers and encouraged me to put my fears aside ..

By then the friend who invited me for this trip came up – with a bottle of sparkling water . She made sure that I remained hydrated. Her concerned soothing voice calmed my frayed nerves .

I was hoping that we would return to the hotel ; After all we had come out at the break of dawn .But the tour manager informed us we would soon be proceeding to the next location . Little did I know that would turn out to be a truly spiritual experience.

The Lord is near to all who call on him;

to all who call on him in truth

He fulfills the desire of all who fear him; he also hears their cry and saves them .

Psalm 145:18&19