Hear the voice of my supplication

as I cry to you for help,

as I lift my hands toward your most holy sanctuary.”

Psalm 28:2

Examinations are the night mare of every parent of a kid with autism.and we were no different . Here in India ,Children with special needs ,opt out of the regular school board when they reach the final year and opt for the National Open school Board Examinations . This board offers a flexible time frame and a wide variety of subjects ; Exams are conducted every six months .

Those days my son was attending private lessons with a special educator . We had applied for a scribe to assist him during the examination.The scribe ,a student from the lower grade had learning difficulties and my son , (I heard )was busy correcting his spelling mistakes : After a while he obviously lost interest and spent the rest of the time chasing mosquitoes! His justification was quite simple -He didn’t want to catch malaria!

In sheer desperation, I thought of other options ; But there was none . All the years of hard work would be wasted if he did not obtain the school certificate.at the end of it all .And I also knew he would be disappointed when his classmates leave the school after the board examinations.

I called to the Lord , asking for guidance . What was the plan for Jeff ? Surely he shouldn’t be sitting idly at home ! If he wrote half of what he knew , he would pass the exams. But the transfer of his knowledge into the answer sheets appropriately , looked like a monstrous task , given the difficulties.

I bless the Lord who gives me counsel; in the night also my heart instructs me . I keep the Lord always before me , because he is at my right hand I shall not be moved .

Psalm 16:7&8

We decided to try again ; this time without a scribe . He did a lot of mock examinations at home too . Though he became comfortable with the pattern , I knew the huge examination hall with strangers would pose many difficulties.

A week before the examinations, we decided to go for another retreat . Summer was at its peak and the road trip wore me down . On the way We stopped at Velakanni ,a famous Marian pilgrim centre . The religious sister at the intercession centre prayed over us ; this time my heart couldn’t hold my worries inside ; they spilled out in the form of tears.

After many pit stops , we reached the retreat centre . We were the early birds as the retreat was to start only the next morning. I had a bad migraine attack by then .As soon as we were allocated a room , my husband took my son out for a walk . Too tired to unpack , I sat alone in the room , asking God why . These attacks usually last for two days . And my plan for a good retreat appeared to have been foiled As I rubbed my forehead , I felt a fragrance around ; the smell of a pain relieving balm . It wasn’t too strong . Strange , as the other rooms on that floor were unoccupied. Within minutes my head ache vanished ! I was all set to attend the vespers !

We went back home after the retreat with light heart . We had left the bundle of our woes at the foot of the cross .

My son cleared that exam and our eyes were opened ! The will of the Lord was that he should attempt the examination by himself. Jeff was overjoyed and his self confidence increased visibly !

For surely I know the plans I have for you , says the Lord , plans for your welfare and not for harm , to give you a future with hope .

Jeremiah 29:11

I have loved you with an everlasting love ; therefore I have continued my faithfulness to you .

Jeremiah 31 :3

The church on the crossroad , became our regular stop on our way to school . Those visits calmed us down , reviving our weak souls . Almost all days were tough but some were tougher . One day , We found ourselves stuck in an impassable traffic jam . By the time we were liberated , the stress levels had hit the roof . The persistent repetitive questions quickened my pulse and I felt as though there were hot coals on my head .. We were late and it’s only after I parked the car in the church yard , did I realise that its doors were closed .

This was not our usual time .. thanks to the road block .My heart sank but it quickly revived as I noticed some regulars going to a small white dome shaped structure near the exit gate.

Without a second thought I dragged my son and went in. To my pleasant surprise, I realised this was an adoration chapel – As I stepped in , my heart beat slowed down visibly . The chapel was all bathed in white The interiors and every object in it were pristine white .. except for the golden monstrance that held the Blessed sacrament . The chapel was circular and a few chairs were arranged close to the wall .. I sat on a chair closest to the Blessed sacrament , with Jeff beside me .

All of a sudden I felt as though someone had showered a heap of snow ! My head became so cool , so calm . The feeling was so real . I looked up and saw the beautiful dome shaped roof that looked like the night sky lit up with stars .. Next to me sat Jeff , a picture of total serenity .

Praying before the blessed sacrament was very difficult for me ; I needed a a cross, a statute or at least a picture to look upon and focus my wandering mind . Even while attending my annual retreats , I used to skip the silent adoration time . I would rather stay in the room and read the Psalms . That day too , I sat there still . afraid that a slight movement from my part may disturb those invisible ice blocks on my head ..

The days that followed charted a remarkable spiritual journey – I had a lot of time in my hands ,as by the grace of God, my son had fitted in the new school perfectly . The teachers especially the Principal was very fond of him .Soon he was taken in for the regular sessions and I was no longer needed to stay at school .

Those days spent a lot of time in the chapel ; The Lord was always there to keep me company .At first , I silently recited the prayers I knew before him . Then it was the psalms and finally I started talking to him . Though my monologue started with prayers and requests , it soon became an outpouring of my soul – my hopes , my dreams , my weaknesses and my fears .. Soon the Lord knew it all . I took him back on a on a journey to my childhood , my teen years , my life before I got wedded .. telling him all about my little sorrows and embarrassments , my little achievements and what then I believed that my life would turn out to be . I told him about my little baby , how in the early days I had wished he would always retain his innocence .. how I used to whisper to him that I would want to be known as Jeff’s mother when he grew up !

(That of course was granted as I am most often identified as such ! )

I reminded him that I needed His help now more than ever ,in my son’s tumultuous adolescence., I wouldn’t be able to navigate these waters without his help. Every day I would tell him what we were going through.

The Lord was there , every morning, some days revealing his ancient eternal splendour, some days , his unfathomable mercy ; on another day he would appear like the morning dew , so pure and so fresh, reminding me of heavenly everlasting peace ! Other days It was his unending love that would envelope me . It would flow all around me till I lose my sense of time and space .. Not a single thought would cruise along.. I would feel so joyful in His presence that time would stand still .. One of those rare moments when even my son too vanished from my thoughts!!

I never heard him speaking but I felt he was listening to me lovingly as I unburden my soul , waiting for me to hush and be still in his presence .. Fortunately all the faithful would be gone after an hour or two , and I was alone with the Lord during Mid day .. I longed for that time ,as my human mind insisted he could listen to me in rapt attention without anyone’s voice overlapping .. a foolish notion ! But I know the Lord understood my frailty more than even myself and gave me the grace to overcome it .

I no longer longed for the others to leave ..For who knows what all trials and tribulations they were facing .. Apparently their souls too had found nourishment in His presence .. May be their need was more than mine !

During school holidays , I missed my alone time with the Lord more than anything else ..

Down in adoration falling,
Lo! the sacred Host we hail,
Lo! oe’r ancient forms departing
Newer rites of grace prevail;
Faith for all defects supplying,
Where the feeble senses fail.

To the everlasting Father,
And the Son Who reigns on high
With the Holy Spirit proceeding
Forth from each eternally,
Be salvation, honor, blessing,
Might and endless majesty.
Amen.

Tantum Ergo Sacrimentum – The English version

St Thomas Aquinas

Do not remember the former things ,

Or consider the things of old .

I am about to do a new thing ,

Now it springs forth , do you not perceive it ?

Isaiah 43:18&19

When our Canadian plan did not materialise , we found ourselves staring at a blank wall . Plan B didn’t exist and we had to swing into action right away . I was discouraged in spirit ,not because we couldn’t immigrate , but I had erred in thinking it was part of God’s plan for us .

I realised it was very easy to get deceived by our own defective faculties; then onwards I just prayed for the doors of His will to be opened and those in opposition to be shut.

Very soon we were led to school which helped children to finish their schooling through the National Open school; The children were coached to appear for their board examinations by a team of dedicated teachers ; The school was founded by a God fearing Mom and it functioned like a family .The bright happy faces of the students buoyed up my spirits . But the school wasn’t ready to welcome us yet . They were doubtful about handling kids from the Autism spectrum. To make matters worse , I had gone to the school without my son ; His meek demeanour would have been helpful . Finally they agreed to include him in their non academic classes , provided that I too stayed on . I was more than willing to oblige them !

As per the recommendation of the Principal , we started taking private lessons from a special educator . Our Mornings became bustling once again – I had to manoeuvre the car through the maddening rush hour traffic of the metro city , first to the special educator and then to the school.Fortunately school day ended before lunchtime and we had the whole afternoon to ourselves.

Things were settling down for us ,bit by bit like a jigsaw puzzle . But Jeff’s bouts of anxiety became more frequent .

Despite being verbal , my son couldn’t express the cause of his anxiety, and I found myself getting impatient with his repetitive questions , especially while driving to the school . Was it hunger or thirst or the traffic – Or was the loss of his Grandparents ? I had no clue . His voice was getting louder and louder and more insistent. My sojourn at the quiet town had an made me inept at managing heavy traffic . Some days were just so unendurable ; On such a day I spotted a church by the wayside ; we were very close to the school and I was surprised that I had never seen this church before . There was nothing attractive about its appearance. It looked like a typical 80’s construction- basic and functional. Though I loved visiting Churches , this one , I would have given a miss..

I was at my wit’s end ; without a thought I swerved the car into its gates ; To my surprise there was a lot of open space behind and I parked the car under a huge rain tree .

I took Jeff into the church urging him to pray . Our eyes were drawn to the huge cross gleaming in its silent dark interiors ,There was no one inside . We knelt down to pray . I closed my eyes and silently prayed for more strength ; suddenly felt something soft on my head -Startled , I opened my eyes only to see his hands on my head . He was intently praying over me . “Jesus , please give Mom more patience. Help her Lord , please ”

I was left speechless ! I I asked him if there was nothing he could do to help me not lose my temper and proceeded to give him a long list ! I am not sure how much of it sunk in or how much he agreed with !

A part of me agreed with him – I needed more patience!

Our hearts lightened , we resumed our journey..

This beautiful church was to become my favourite haunt in the following days – a sanctuary for my weary soul ! – the place that would later lead me to an important step in my spiritual growth.

I am so thankful for that temper tantrum that led me to its steps !

Praise the Lord , all you nations !

Extol him , all you peoples !

For great is his steadfast love toward us ,

And the faithfulness of the Lord endures forever .

Praise the Lord !

Psalm 117

Why are you cast down , O my soul ,

and why are you disquieted within me ?

Hope in the Lord , for I shall again praise him ,

My help and my God .

Psalm 43:5

As the season of Lent enters the fifth week , my mind is engulfed by a sense of regret and disappointment.

After the ending of the third covid wave , I found myself thrown into a vortex of activities – Lockdown days had left me with selective amnesia; I had forgotten about the challenges of the temporal world !

My annoyance with the world soon grew into anger , leading to frustration . I thought I had enough ammunition for a spiritual warfare but I was sadly mistaken! Lockdown days were much simpler and spiritually uplifting!

I was unable to keep the Lenten promise I made to myself – more time in personal prayer ; more time for scripture reading and reflection, more blogging about my spiritual journey.

The feeling of frustration is too overwhelming .. I need to purge myself off all the negativities but my heart is assailed by self doubt .

Then I realise that this feeling is not alien to me – the feeling of helplessness that would push me to the point of giving up ..

Not long ago , I was at the same point , unable to deal with the world the way the Lord asked us to – My inability to forgive easily and my impatience with minor issues daunted me . I found my reactions to people and situations quite contrary to my intentions .

On a Saturday evening we were attending a monthly prayer meet arranged by our retreat centre . I sat on the last bench looking at the rest of the crowd listening to the preacher with rapt attention – It seemed that they were on a higher plane altogether. I felt so small and helpless , I wondered if I would ever make any progress in my spiritual journey. Every small step forward seemed to be followed by two steps backward !

It was soon the turn of the guest speaker , a young priest from Malta to address the gathering . He started with a verse but soon digressed and spoke about an incident from his own life .

One evening ,feeling disillusioned with himself , he had walked into the chapel and knelt down before the tabernacle , dejected and helpless . Then he heard the comforting voice of the Lord lovingly encouraging him to offer himself totally – with all his weaknesses and strengths ; his failures and successes , his helplessness and frustrations..

That’s all the Lord wants … A total surrender with nothing holding us back . He understands our broken human nature and accepts us with all our imperfections .

My grace is sufficient for you for power is made perfect in weakness ..

2 Corinthians 12:9

Then he went on to say something unforgettable- He admitted that this was not what he intended to talk about – he doesn’t know why he narrated this event at all !

And there I was sitting on the last bench , my heart crying out silently , “I know, Father ! It was for me !- the small , insignificant me !! ”

“Come to me , all you that weary and are carrying heavy burdens , and I will give you rest ..”

Matthew 11:28

The shepherd seeks out the weary and the confused lambs and comforts them with love and mercy .And every lamb is precious in his sight !

This memory strengthens and energises me once again .. And I continue with my Lenten journey !

The heart is devious above all else ;

It’s perverse –

Who can understand it ?

Jeremiah 17:9

As the world waits with baited breath, the Russians continue their attack on Ukraine . Strangely enough ,majority of the population in both the countries are practising Christians . The leader who declared war on Ukraine is supposedly a staunch believer. But then it’s not the first time that we have shown the world how far we are, from what the Lord has taught us !

As distressing scenes of bombed residences ,fleeing families and the blood stained faces of the citizens invade our drawing rooms and our conscience, the countries of the world remain divided ..In the diluted moral standards of diplomacy, the distinction between right and wrong is often decided by the selfish interests of each country .

This is often a reflection of our society where even in family circles , there is a lack of reaction or response to unfairness and injustice meted out to a not -so influential member . Everyone knows which side his bread is buttered on and hence prefers to be silent when such incidents crop up . The friendship and the material benefits that come with it , always win . The injustice continues as there’s no one to speak up for the victim.

For the effect of righteousness will be peace and the result of righteousness, quietness and trust forever

Isaiah 32:17

In this regard I admire my son and all those who are on the autism spectrum. They call a spade a spade and that never changes with the seasons! Rules should be obeyed no matter who you are . What the world perceives as inadequacies in their social behaviour, is truth in its very basic form .

When he was younger ,we had to face many embarrassing situations – he would often give free advice to those who are overweight; It didn’t matter to him that more often than not ,they were strangers .

Those who bought soft drinks were his favourite ! After giving them a talk on its contents and how it can affect their health , he would steer them to the shelves where fruit juice was kept .Once at the cash counter of a store I had to intervene and pull away my protesting son from a lady who was billing her soft drinks .

As he grew , he stopped doing so mostly because of our efforts at behaviour modification. But this added on to his anxiety. Covid times are very distressing for him as he sees many , not following the protocol . He would point out ‘no mask ‘& ‘mask on the chin ‘types and worry about them . He was shell shocked when he saw a young priest without mask just before the third wave ! He’s a rule breaker , he declared , thankfully out of ear shot !

His stress levels have come down now that he has started to pray for them . Our evening prayers are getting longer and longer these days !

As I sit in my living room , comfortably jotting down my thoughts, my heart once again goes to Ukraine. These are hard times, more so for the kids with special needs ;especially the ones with Autism.

I can only imagine what the families are going through as the war planes zoom around .. the chaos , the shelling and the life in bunkers .. How much could the Autistic mind take ? And how much longer ?

I hope and pray that hostilities end soon and peace reigns once again .. May the Lord give wisdom to the leaders ! May He free them from their bondage of falsehood , untruth and half – truth ..

Peace and love to all !

May Russia and Ukraine find peace in Christ !

For he is our peace , in his flesh he has made both groups into one and has broken down the dividing wall , that is , the hostility between us .

Ephesians 2:14

We know that all things work together for the good of those who love God , who are called according to His purpose .

Romans 8:28

The loss of my parents left an emotional vacuum in our lives .For a long time , we felt as though our scaffolding has been taken off . Those were tumultuous days .. My son needed constant care but I myself felt like an orphaned homeless little girl who no longer knew which path to take .

His constant questions about death triggered an avalanche of questions in our minds . Questions , hitherto we had never dared to ask ourselves.

What would happen to him after us ? The question that haunts all parents of kids with special needs. In a country like India , there’s hardly any system in place . How could we be sure that he would live in an environment of respect and dignity even after our life time ?

The thought of migrating to a developed country popped up in our minds , The more our vulnerable minds dwelt on it , the more positive it looked . Canada seemed to be good choice – The chances of better training and job prospects offered to those on the spectrum were impressive. We also happened to meet someone who had been working in the same field. The support that such individuals are given both at the workplace and at the residences were admirable. A life of dignity and self respect for Jeff , beyond our times – That became our focus .

I prayed over this and felt it was God’s will . That strong feeling took predominance over reality. Swept by this tide , we spent a lot of time , energy and money pursuing it . Fortunately we came across a professional who told us in no uncertain terms that it was impossible and unadvisable for us to migrate to Canada .

We weren’t totally convinced till we attended a retreat and met a spiritual counsellor. She reiterated the same adding that grass wasn’t greener on the other side .

Looking back I realise how God saved us by closing those doors . Even if we had made it the transition would have been too much for Jeff and the age was definitely wasn’t on our side . Over the years his connection to the extended family has strengthened remarkably. Now during these pandemic times , he makes sure that all our friends and family are doing well with his steadfast prayers . He’s also able to visit them whenever the situation permits and that means a lot to him .

Looking back I often wonder how I misread the situation.Did my mind wrought with anxiety ,deceive me into believing that it was God’s plan for us ? It was definitely not the voice of God ! How does one distinguish between the divine voice and the voice of our flesh , especially in a situation where the choice isn’t between what is morally right or wrong – rather about the one that would mean a major transition ?

Whatever it was , God was there amidst that confusion too , saving us at the right time . This reminded me of a sermon I once heard about seeking God’s will . The priest said he was often confronted with people who were upset about their inability to hear the voice of God before taking an important step . His advice was to surrender our confusion to the Lord and go ahead with the plan , trusting Him.If that was not part of the divine plan , He would step in and save us. All we need to do is to speak to Him constantly and surrender ourselves!

And more than often not , I find myself doing this .. For who can trust the devious human heart ?

For surely I know the plans I have for you , says the Lord , plans for your welfare and not for harm , to give you a future with hope

Jeremiah 29:11

The people who walked in the darkness

have seen a great light ;those who lived

in the land of deep darkness – on them

a light has shined .

Isaiah 9:2

O come O Come Emmanuel

And ransom captive Israel ….

The haunting lyrics of the ancient carol seem to have been written for these challenging times .. The world finds itself still entangled in the evil clutches of Covid 19. The new strain has put a halt to celebrations worldwide, forcing the faithful once again to be confined to their homes

Only Emmanuel can save this weary world from slipping into despair and helplessness ..

In other countries, where the new strain is yet to assume its monstrous form , there is still restlessness and anxiety. The Herods of the times seem to be feeling threatened by the message of the Messiah -Love , peace and forgiveness would spell doom to their kingdom. It is vital to stoke up the embers and keep them burning.. Churches are attacked , Bible burnt , the faithful threatened .. The administration prefers to look the other way . ‘ Conversion ‘is the new perceived danger to ‘ national security! ‘

Meanwhile Joseph gently knocks at the door of human hearts , looking for a place for baby Jesus … We reflect on the state of our own hearts – pondering if we are the callous innkeepers who turned away Mary , carrying Jesus in her womb ; while Herod continues to plot , frightened of losing his power over the masses .

From time immemorial, all those who have sought him in earnest , have always found him – the shepherds who were gifted with a vision of His glory ; the Magi who undertook a long hazardous journey for a glimpse of Him.

When you search for me , you will find

me ; if you seek me with all your heart ,

I will let you find me , says the Lord and

I will restore your fortunes and gather

you from all the nations and all the

places I have driven you , says the Lord

and I will bring you back to the place

from which I sent you into exile .

Jeremiah 29:13&14

And the exiled children of Eve wait for the blessed saviour , Emmanuel…..

May God bless us all !

“Out of the depths I cry to you ,O Lord, Lord , hear my voice !

Let your ears be attentive to the voice of my supplications! “

Psalm 130:1&2

After mulling over the situation, we finally decided to shift back to the Metro .

Jeff’s academic prospects looked bleak in the town we were residing ; His medical condition also required regular follow up in the Metro city .

The drawback was that we would not be able to make those weekend visits to see my ailing mother . It was important that we made travel plans cautiously as sleeplessness triggered his epileptic attacks . Mummy knew nothing about this as I thought it would only aggravate her condition. Daddy’s demise had affected her terribly – Gone was the lady who was fearless, confident and always cheerful . My house had fallen silent , bereft of her loud laughter . She would laugh at the silliest of things and would never miss an opportunity to pull our legs !

Her eyes now mirrored helplessness and sorrow . Even today I brood over it – Did she become more anxious as our visits became less frequent ? Perhaps I should have told her the reason . Whenever this thought threatens to create a whirlpool of guilt in my mind , I call out to the Lord , pleading for mercy , to let her know why we couldn’t be at her side often .

Soon after we relocated , my mother fell into a comma . We rushed home, She was already in the Intensive Care Unit .I could only see her for a few minutes in the afternoon. When I called her , I could see her forehead & eye lids twitching .. I was told that it was impossible as she had been unresponsive since morning. But I believe a mother would hear the voice of her child even when her own life is slipping away .

I placed my hands over her forehead and spoke to her softly . I saw her again in the same evening. This time she did not respond to my voice . The next day she passed away .

The pain of losing one’s mother pierces into the very heart of our being . The wound never heals completely; Everything that she loved during her time on Earth reminds me of her .. Not a day passes by without remembering her .

The initial period was traumatic as I had only Jeff as company . My brain had devised a plan to cope with the loss – It had pushed away the painful scenes of the funeral and led me into a world of make believe- All was well ; My parents were still around , safe and happy in my hometown.

There was no such escape for my son ; his autistic brain couldn’t forget , it dwelt on the loss repeatedly . Jeff paced up and down the house , asking me about her all the time . My frayed nerves couldn’t take it any longer , I raised my voice and forbade him from asking me anything, anything at all ..

He seemed to have taken refuge in the virtual world ; Anxious , I looked in to the search history and found that he had been googling about heaven . Images of heaven / stairway to heaven .. It went on and on !

I pulled myself up , shrugging away the blanket of sorrow and got into action . How could I forget someone who needed more comfort than me ! His differently wired brain must have shot up many questions.He had lost both his Grandparents in a period of two years . I could imagine the monologue in his brain ! Everyone said they were heaven But where was heaven ? How did it look like ?

In very simple words , I described heaven to him – Place of pure joy , beautiful and so perfect ! There are no tears , no illness , no death in heaven – one could walk around with Jesus , Mother Mary ,& St Joseph ! There were angels all around . And most importantly there would be no bullies !

My heart became lighter as I watched my son’s eyes lighting up ! Soon his excitement became boundless and he wanted to get there as early as possible!

“For this reason they are before the throne of God ,

And worship him day and night before his temple ,

and the one who is seated in the throne will shelter them .

They will hunger no more , and thirst no more ;

The sun will not strike them , nor any scorching heat ;

for the Lamb at the centre of the throne will be their shepherd,

and he will guide them to the springs of the water of life ,

and God will wipe away every tear from their eyes. “

Revelation 7:15-17.

Hear my prayer ,O Lord ;

Let my cry come to you

Do not hide your face from me in the day of my distress

Incline your ear to me ;

Answer me speedily in the day when I call .

Psalm 102 :1&2

History definitely repeats itself ! After a period six years we found ourselves at the same spot again .. We had to move cities for Jeff’s education. It was like retracing our steps in the same order . Jeff and I will have to move first ; My husband would follow later .

This would also take us a hundred kilometres further away from my ailing Mother. I spent many sleepless nights thinking over it. Meanwhile a much awaited chance of a dream trip to Europe emerged from the extended family . Two of my sisters settled abroad were coming home . They decided on a short trip to Vienna and Zurich while on their way. Wouldn’t it be nice if all the siblings &their families met in Vienna ?

A very tempting suggestion ! It was like a long cherished dream coming true ..On my next visit home , I spoke to my mothers doctor about my dilemma . She assured me that Mummy is doing a lot better and I shouldn’t worry about being away for a week .

However I was feeling uneasy and when the visitor visa was delayed ,I thought it wasn’t meant for us . But then the visa promptly arrived right before our travel dates and we found ourselves rushing to the International Airport situated hundreds of miles away . The traffic during rush hour was tiring .The early morning flight added on to our woes .

We alighted at Frankfurt , sleep deprived and exhausted. Our connecting flight to Vienna was in an hour or so . We were slowly moving towards the gate when something horrifying happened. My son who was walking with me , suddenly seized my arm and collapsed to the floor shaking violently . He was having another episode of seizures.

Never have I felt so desperate. My mind froze and I heard myself whispering ‘ I don’t know ‘to my husband’s anxious queries . He looked white as a sheet .

“My God , my God , why have you forsaken me ?

Why are you so far from helping me From the days of my groaning ? “

Psalm 22:1

My whole being ached , laden with gallons of unshed tears ..

Another Indian family hurrying up to catch their flight to Canada, stopped and offered help . A doctor was soon at our side . In a very cold voice ,he asked us if we needed any help ,adding that we wouldn’t be allowed to fly until further medical investigations were done . We urged the helpful family to move on as their departure gates would be closed in a short while .

The seizures subsided in a few minutes.We were told that Jeff needed to be shifted to the hospital at the earliest; our passports were taken and we had to pay a hefty amount to the airport officials ; Till this day I do not know why it was so . Wasn’t the first aid given at the airport free of charge ? Or were they charging us for the ambulance? Mechanically we followed the instructions . A wheel chair was brought in and first aid given ; As they moved him swiftly without informing us , I ran behind my son like one possessed. But my fears were unfounded; they weren’t going anywhere without us .

Soon we found ourselves on a deserted road to Kinder clinic . This was by far the longest trip I have ever undertaken. I regretted every moment I spent dreaming about the snowy alpine cliffs . Looking out I found nothing appealing to my eyes . The summer terrain of Frankfurt reminded me of my own city . I felt dejected and let down .

At the hospital, the doctors were visibly confused by the way my son was responding to their questions. He could hardly keep his eyes open . The doctors preferred to converse in German and I assumed even in medical schools the medium of instruction was German unlike India . Frantically I went on repeating Autism, hoping my accent wouldn’t hamper their comprehension. There was a collective sigh of relief from all of us – The doctors , for finally discovering the reason and us ,for succeeding in making ourselves understood .

The doctors and the nurses at the hospital were truly friendly and helpful. the The memories of our unpleasant experience at the airport started to fade . Our hearts felt lighter . Still we weren’t sure what the next steps would be . Finally in the room my son drifted off to a very deep sleep .

It was only then I could pray . All this while all I did was just coping with this nightmare . I just couldn’t bring myself to speak to the Lord. But now in the room , prayers rose up like butterflies from my frightened soul. We had no idea how long we would have to stay in the hospital.

Hear , O Lord , when I cry aloud ,

be gracious to me and answer me !

“Come , “my heart says , “seek his face !”

Your face Lord do I seek

Do not hide your face from me !

Psalm27:7-9

Meanwhile we were able to connect to the rest of the family, who had already reached Vienna . My husband’s cousin in Zurich was also informed about this unfortunate incident .

That evening a middle aged Indian couple came to visit us . They were from our own state and had migrated to Germany decades ago . For us ,they were truly angels in disguise . Being well versed in German , they helped us to talk to the doctors and deal with the administration too . After a couple of days .Jeff was discharged The administration agreed to wait for the bill settlement by our travel insurance company. Our angels insisted on dropping us to the airport. In a couple of hours we were in Vienna .

This family and my husband’s cousin had a common friend who had connected us . God truly works in mysterious ways !

The rest of our trip was truly enjoyable and our joy knew no bounds when we saw Jeff throwing snowballs at his cousins in the alpine slopes , enjoying every moment. By the grace of God we completed the rest of the days with no issues.

Back home the insurance company refused to settle the bill as the seizures were a pre existing condition connected to Autism . There was a constant flow of mails from the hospital to both the insurance company and us . Finally we decided to pay up .. In Indian currency it amounted to quite a large sum .

Then came a very unexpected verdict from the court while hearing a similar case regarding the settlement of medical bills by health insurance companies . The court ruled that the company is legally obliged to pay the bills even if it’s a pre existing condition.

Within a few days , our bills were promptly settled by the insurance company ! The hand of the Lord in all this was unmistakable ! A similar case being brought up at the nick of time and a favourable verdict !

I do not know why this was allowed to happen to us but I do know that our Lord is close to us even when we go through the dark valley ; His watchful gaze is upon us he guides and assists us in mysterious, incredible ways!

The Lord answer you in the day of trouble !

The name of the God of Jacob protect you !

May he send you help from the sanctuary,

and give you support from Zion !

Psalm 20:1&2

I lift my eyes to the hills-

From where will my help come ?

My help comes from the Lord,

Who made heaven and earth .

Psalm 121:1&2

Our lives had become volatile .. We found it a struggle to keep up with the unpredictable changes..

The primary focus had shifted from my ailing mom to my son, who started having seizures all of a sudden . Expert medical advice was the need of the hour as the earlier prescriptions weren’t able to control the convulsions .

Those were the days of fervent prayer . Our enquiries finally led us to an expert neurologist known in international circles -someone who had published several papers on Epilepsy. But the hitch was that he was working with a reputed Government medical institute in the city , 200 kms away ..

in India , One usually avoids state run hospitals , if one can afford it . The long wait , the crowd and the tiresome procedure are all major dampeners . On the other hand hospitals run by professionals or corporates , though costlier,are friendlier and cleaner . This time expertise took precedence over comfort while making the decision.

After a drive of three hours , we found ourselves at the institute. The scene was much worse than we had dreaded ..There were people everywhere.. We joined a long serpentine queue for registration.From there to another queue to meet the junior doctor who took the case history and finally to the doctor whom we wanted to meet .. It took us six hours of wait for a very brief consultation.. These six hours there were moments of regret and confusion . Still we held on , nibbling the few biscuits that we had carried , afraid to step out of the queue lest we miss our chance .

However the Lord was with us . My son was unusually quiet and calm through all this and tolerated all the heat and hunger . We were amazed at his stoicism as we ourselves were exasperated at the end of that ordeal

During our drive back home , three tired souls sat in complete silence . I gazed at the twilight landscape broodingly .Was this ordeal worth the briefest consultation we have ever had ?Are these medications going to work ? Regular follow up would mean fewer visits to my ailing mother who knew nothing about the latest crisis in our lives . Jeff was very dear to her and I didn’t want her to add on to her worries .

I wasn’t sure anymore.. My soul reached out to my saviour. I needed to hear his voice more than ever . And there it was .. in the sky -God’s light – streams of golden light coming out of a patch of pink and green . Captivating display of divine light ..so beautiful that it belied any description..

Many times we have passed that way at twilight . But I had never seen anything like that before ! I took it as a sign of divine affirmation.

Many years have passed since that visit and we are still under the same Neurologist’s guidance .The briefest consultation proved to be the right one as the medication he prescribed , controlled his seizures .

For with you is the fountain of life ; in your light we see light .

Psalm 36:9

It also opened our eyes to the trials that the underprivileged poor has to go through . But we took comfort in the fact that expert treatment , often unavailable in a private hospital, was still within reach at a very nominal cost for the poorest of the poor .

More than anything, it made us appreciate the doctors who had chosen Government service over private hospitals despite the vast difference in the working conditions and the pay check . May God bless them !

And the king will answer them , “Truly I tell you, just as you did to one of the least of these who are members of my family, you did it to me ”

Matthew 25:40.