Not to us , O Lord , not to us , but to your name give glory , For the sake of your steadfast love and your faithfulness.

Psalm115:1

Jeff’s difficulties with language was proving to be a major obstacle in the way of achieving academic success. In a system where the assessments require skills in comprehension and expression , kids like my son often struggle.

While in school , I could make out that he had understood the concepts in science , with the help of multiple choice questions or even one word questions. He would pick the right answer but he was unable to explain how he had reached the answer . Same applied to his calendar skills . He would be able to tell us the day , if you give him a date just like many on the spectrum. But till now he hasn’t been able to tell us how he does it . Once after being pestered by his cousins , he had exclaimed that it was a basic skill !

At the senior secondary level , English posed us the greatest hurdle . In the open school system one needn’t do the additional Language but English was mandatory.

The question paper ran into pages – with 4 sections – Reading(where comprehension is tested)writing (general writing skills is tested here), Grammar(general)&the textual section (with questions from the prescribed books).

Grammar was something which he could do .. There were clear rules to it ! , He would be able to answer the questions from the text too .. But the question paper pattern had allotted only a quarter of the total marks to this section .

Writing would be the most difficult part as it included essays on general topics , official letters , informal letters etc . We couldn’t depend on this section to garner the required marks for a pass !

Jeff was good with comprehension provided it was not a literary piece . Any passage on current topics would be interesting for him . In fact he used to read the newspaper every morning, very earnestly.

But writing down the answers in his own words would be difficult; and so I had advised him just to copy the sentence where the answer lies , without trying to change it .

Armed with all these tactics , we set out for the examination . It was a hot summer afternoon .. not an ideal day for a lengthy examination! I watched him going up the stairs to the hall with trepidation . If he clears this , half the battle is won !

Looking around I spotted a garden bench under a huge mango tree . It was a welcoming sight for someone who had to wait for hours for the final bell signifying the end of the allotted time .

I walked over and sat on the garden bench. The tree in full bloom offered the much needed respite from the heat . The squirrels that ran up the trunk chattering away provided some amusement too ! Soon I was joined by moms like me – anxious mothers of kids with special needs – we discussed the subjects , the challenges and our strategies . Our kids were all different and we have all found different ways to manage their studies .

Except for this little group , the campus was empty . The neurotypical kids had come on their own , unaccompanied by parents

After a couple of hours , the children started to trickle out , soon they came out in droves looking happy and relaxed. Our kids had the provision of extra time and so they appeared a bit later . One by one , the parents left . Soon I found myself all alone .. It seemed as though my son was determined to take full advantage of the additional hour !

The rays of the setting sun was creating beautiful patterns on the reddish ground as it filtered through the mango leaves . I gazed at them intently trying to block out my worries ..

At the bell which signalled the end of the additional hour , my son came out looking like the Sun itself ! His hair sticking out like the rays of the Sun .. He had twisted his hair into spikes .. something that he did whenever he was stressed .

Running up to me he exclaimed; “ Mom , We didn’t do these lessons “. I glanced at the question paper and my heart sank.. The person who set the question paper this time had added his own touch to it by mixing up the sections ! As a result the general comprehension passages were interspersed with the textual ones – a nonsensical move – -one that would make things so complicated for an autistic mind .

Apparently he had not attempted those passages . Now I had no idea where the required marks would come from .

At that moment , I felt swept away by a wave of helplessness. And I just blurted out “what more can I do ? I can’t write the exam for you .. “

My son looked so helpless and sad . Later on I regretted my reaction but it was out before I even realised what I was saying. . He spoke of nothing else the following week . He kept repeating that he had written the letter to the editor and the essay in the writing section . But I was not confident at all.

I prayed for wisdom while mentally preparing myself for what seemed to be the inevitable- another attempt .

After two months , we came to know that the results have been uploaded on the website. We checked the website when Jeff was so engrossed in watching a movie … To our amazement, we saw that Jeff had cleared his English Examination, that too with a good margin !!

This is the Lord’s doing ; It’s marvellous in our eyes. Psalm 118:23

Our squeals of laughter brought Jeff to the room . In an instant , we all broke into a dance of pure joy !

God is indeed , merciful !

Gracious is the Lord and righteous; Our Lord is merciful. The Lord protects the simple ; when I was brought low , he saved me . Return , O my soul, to your rest , For the Lord has dealt bountifully with you .

Psalm 116:5-7

“Tell the daughter of Zion ,

Look , your king is coming to you

humble , mounted on a donkey,

and on a colt , the foal of a donkey .”

Matthew 21 :5

As we enter into the Holy Week , with Palm Sunday celebrations , the faithful all over the world prepare their hearts and minds for a spiritual renewal culminating with Easter .More and more we realise that our efforts to accompany Jesus on his way to Calvary cannot be achieved without help from above .

As I entered the church yesterday , I was taken up by the beauty of the altar .. Tender Palm leaves , pale yellow with a tinge of green around the edges have been meticulously folded into intricate shapes.. It looked nothing like the humble palm leaves that we were all carrying! I wondered at the creativity of those anonymous hands that decorated the altar .. A precious memory of another pair of tiny hands carrying a cross surfaced from the depths of my memory.

Palm Sunday held at a church two decades ago- My son was a toddler , with a very limited vocabulary.. He wasn’t diagnosed with Autism at that time . My happy sociable baby had taken a different route at eighteen months – he had become withdrawn, was happy only when left alone . The world must have been too overwhelming for his nervous system .Whenever we took him out , he would run very fast, as though he was fleeing from some unknown danger .

I was a young mom , confused and worried . My maternal instincts told me that there was something amiss though our paediatrician assured us otherwise .

That Sunday too , we arrived at the church late . The blessing and the distribution of the palms were over long back .. The church was filled to the brim .. The crowd overflowed to the corridors around the church. I found a nook near a pillar . There I sat , leaning against the pillar , lost in thought. My son was in the churchyard playing under the watchful eyes of his father.

Helplessness started gnawing at my heart . This was the first Palm Sunday that I would go home without the blessed palm . “Lord , forgive me , I do not even know what’s happening.. “said my lips silently.

All of a sudden I was woken up from my reverie by a soft touch on my shoulder . It was a pretty little girl with a charming smile holding a cross made with palm . Silently she handed it over to me .I took it from those tiny little hands ,bewildered .And then ,I promptly gave it back to her with a smile but then to my amazement, she shook her head and indicated that it was for me ! I found it unbelievable that a four year old would part with her prized possession, this cross , the handiwork of her father or mother.

There was no exchange of words between us . But I was truly touched by her gesture .. I felt God saw my heart and sent one of his angels to reassure me !

Looking back , I wonder if God was trying to tell me of what would follow soon ..The diagnosis ,and the hectic schedule of interventions? Was he asking me to accept the cross from him lovingly as Jesus had done ?

I’m often feel we are like Simon of Cyrene , who helped Jesus to carry the cross .. The cross is carried by our children born into a world which they cannot comprehend .. a world that’s mostly indifferent at its best , often callous and sometimes even cruel .

They accompany Jesus on his way to Calvary unquestioningly; their suffering untainted by complaints.

Our burden is made lighter as we carry it with love and in return we receive unconditional love ten times more from our children. Mothers around the world do understand what it is like to the carry the cross for love !

Jesus on the other hand , allowed himself to be humiliated , scourged and crucified for our sake .. we ,who are sinful , ungrateful and conceited. .. No sacrifice can ever be compared to the sacrifice at Calvary .. No one can claim that he or she is suffering like Jesus .

Indeed , rarely will anyone die for a righteous person-though perhaps for a good person someone might actually dare to die . But God proves his love for us in that while we still were sinners Christ died for us .

Romans 5:7&8

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not rely on your own insight , In all your ways acknowledge him , and he will make straight your paths

Proverbs 3 :5&6

Feeling rejuvenated after my pilgrimage to Italy , I plunged into my mission – to do whatever I can ,to make life easier for my son . He would definitely need an occupation that would fetch him some income ; more importantly something he would enjoy doing.

We thought pursuing academics wouldn’t be a good idea as the environment and the examination system in the higher educational institutions were far from empathetic to persons with special needs.The huge gap between his knowledge and expression was disheartening. Added to his anxiety of exams were the external triggers – traffic , noise levels in the exam hall etc etc – Wouldn’t a vocational course be more suited for him ?

But Jeff was keen on completing his senior school ; After all , his friends who had scored less than him were going ahead with their studies . Here we faced a new challenge- No schools in the radius of 10 km held classes for senior secondary of the national open school system .I realised that we would have to opt for homeschooling. Seeing his interest , I decided to take up this challenge.

We decided to enrol him for a computer program at the same time . Home schooling could become monotonous. It was important that he interacted with his peer group . Soon we came across a centre that was launching a computer course of three years for young adults with Autism. The description looked interesting as after the initial stage the student would be trained in coding or graphics based on his interest and ability . It was launched by a mother of a young adult with autism; I had met her at a workshop a few years back .

The centre was a few kilometres away from home . At the centre , the young professionals told me that the lady was running the institute remotely as the family had moved to another metro thousands of miles away . And they had not received any application so far . I left my number with them , hoping and praying someone would join the course .

In a few weeks time I heard from the lady ; Apparently another student had joined in and she requested me to run the centre as a coordinator. I was hesitant as my computer skills were minimal and I had zero experience in administration. But she said my experience as a special educator would help as the young professionals needed guidance . Having a parent professional would help in roping in more students.

I was in a fix ; They might not start the course as she said it was impossible for her to run the centre remotely. Despite my fears I said yes to her .

I regretted that moment many times in the following weeks as the atmosphere in the centre wasn’t very positive- the young girls were distant ,aloof and unresponsive when I tried to make them aware of the nuances of Autism . Adding to my woes , my role seemed to be having more responsibilities than what was conveyed to me . The lady kept talking to all of us over the phone individually and that wasn’t helping at all . Despite my fervent prayers there were no new takers for this course !

Be pleased , O God , to deliver me O Lord , make haste to help me

Psalm 70:1

Then came a young professional like a breath of fresh air ! ! She was intelligent , friendly and full of life ! The environment was slowly imbued with a spirit of trust and positive energy. As we started bonding , a lot of things came to light . I realised that the curriculum had just impressive bullet points . I was told there was a well planned curriculum in place ! The girls were asked to develop the curriculum in the afternoons when the classes got over . They were hardly equipped to do so . We also had been receiving contradictory instructions over the phone which created a smog of mistrust and confusion .

I soon resigned but still helped out on an honorary basis for a few months . Jeff did learn the skills necessary for his senior secondary examinations. The soft skill classes were also very interactive and needless to say , all of us enjoyed them .

We pulled Jeff out of the program ,forgoing the deposit – Staying on would have only meant loss of time , money and energy

My inclination to trust any parent with a special needs blindly , was shaken up by this trial .

But on the brighter side ,I realised why God did not answer my fervent prayers for more students for this program!

By God’s grace , not a single parent lost their money because of my canvassing! After that eye opener , I do not worry over unanswered prayers .

Our loving father knows what’s good for us ; we are his children . Which father would give his child something bad ?

Is there anyone among you who ,if your child asks for bread, will give a stone ? Or if the child ask for a fish , will give a snake ? If you then who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your father in heaven give good things to those who ask him?

Matthew 7:9-11

Praise the Lord !

Praise the Lord from the heavens ;

Praise him in the heights !

Praise him , all his angels ;

Praise him all his host!

Psalm 148:1&2

Rejuvenated after the visit to Sancta Scala , I took part in the rest of our Italian pilgrimage with enthusiasm. Vatican museum with its priceless collection of art and sculpture was truly amazing.. I wondered if a month would be sufficient to go through it all ! We visited the Cathedrals in Milan , Rome , Padua , Venice and of course Assisi , the birthplace of the patron saint of Italy , St Francis Assisi .

Nestled among the Umbrian hills , Assisi turned out to be my most favourite of all ..

The medieval town with its castles , monasteries and stone houses was so enchanting! It felt as though we had stepped back a few centuries in time !

We walked along the cobbled streets , lined on either side by tall medieval homes , gazing at their ancient windows with wooden blinds , quaint letter boxes , engraved door posts ..flowers spilling out of the flower pots perched on the dark brown walls – There was beauty everywhere!

My friend spoke so reverently in a half whisper , ” Just imagine ! We are walking on the same street once tread upon by St Francis ! ” St Francis – the mystic saint who imitated Jesus in every way .. Who gave up his privileged life for the sake of the Savior and lived the life of the poorest of the poor .True , if those stones could speak , they would have sung eloquently about his deep love for Jesus !

For Those who are in some way connected with Autism , St Francis is of interest due to another reason ..His beloved disciple , Brother Juniper is believed to be the first recorded case of Autism in history. Captivated by his devotion and childlike innocence , St Francis is believed to have exclaimed ,”would to God , my brothers , I had a whole forest of such Junipers !”

Brother Juniper strictly adhered to the words of Christ , sometimes quite literally too . He had often turned up in the monastery during the evenings , naked, as he had given away his clothing to someone in want! It is said that the Franciscan brothers were afraid to leave their cloaks around , as Juniper would gladly donate them to the beggars .

He seemed to have no ideas out social rules or propriety; Once an ailing brother expressed his desire to have a broth of pig’s feet . In no time , Juniper rushed out and cut of the feet of a pig in the nearby farm , much to the dismay of the farmer ! Chided by St Francis , he went up to the farmer for rendering an apology but he had no idea why he should do so ! He explained the situation , hugged the farmer and begged him to give away with the rest of the pig for the poor . Bowled over by his innocence the farmer did likewise .

Brother Juniper’s stories spread like wildfire in the countryside . In another instance , once on a visit to a village , the whole village came up to meet him , greeting him enthusiastically . They were astonished when Brother Juniper turned back and took to his heels ! This was attributed to his humility; yet if he were truly autistic, the whole incident would have been too overwhelming for him !

There are many such endearing stories about Brother Juniper. One would never know if he had autism. Some incidents do reveal autistic traits . But autistic or not , he was definitely saint like ! Autism must have made it easier for him to reach that level of humility and innocence .

He never understood the unwritten rules of this world .. Nor did he care ! The world with its trappings held no fascination for him . He apparently was so immersed in working for the kingdom of God that nothing else seemed to have mattered to him . He was childlike in his attitude . Isn’t that what Jesus told us too ?

Let the little children come to me ; do not stop them ; for it is to such as these that the kingdom of God belongs . Truly I tell you , whoever does not receive the kingdom of God as a little Child will never enter it

Mark 10:14&15

St Francis saw a pure soul in Brother Juniper .. For someone who would have been considered a jester or a nuisance , this bond would have mattered a lot .

I stepped into in the serene Basilica of St Francis Assisi, where the remains of the saint are interred , reflecting on this unique friendship between the saint and Brother Juniper .

As I gazed at the beautiful frescoes , depicting the life of the saint , I prayed for a good friend for my son and for all those junipers .. May there be someone who would understand them and love them unconditionally.

The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me ;

Your steadfast love , O Lord,endures forever .

Psalm 138:8

Sing to the Lord with thanksgiving;

Make melody to our God on the lyre ‘

Psalm 147 :7

As the day for my Italian pilgrimage approached , I fell into a vortex of emotions – excitement , gratitude and anxiety . I had never stayed apart from Jeff for so many days .. However my husband was very confident that he would be able to manage both home and office without me . Jeff did not seem to be having any issue either ; but knowing his difficulty in expression , I wondered what went on his mind ..

Finally we reached Rome after a long flight to Zurich and a long bus journey.. The very next day was the celebratory mass for canonisation of Mother Theresa of Calcutta along with a few other souls . Armed with a paper bag containing a sandwich and an apple we entered St. Peter’s square early in the morning; The square was already getting filled ; some of the pilgrims seemed to have spent the night in the square !

Take delight in the Lord ,

and he will give you

the desires of your heart

Psalm 37:4

Finally I was there ! In Vatican ! Those endless colonnades , those beautiful structures , the magnificent Cathedral, the life like marble statues of the saints gazing down upon the crowds..a place so dear to me ! I had never missed any telecast we could get from Vatican in my younger days .. I would watch the direct telecast of the passion week straight from Vatican even after attending the long service in our parish church , much to the amusement of my siblings ! Standing in St. Peter’s square was a dream come true for me ! I wondered if it was a dream !

The air was filled with chatter in multiple languages .. A sea of people – of different races and hues – There were Asians , Europeans , Australians , South Americans and North Americans … The piazza embraced them all with open arms. Cassocks and habits of different hues rendered a spiritual dimension to the atmosphere .. There were babies in prams , toddlers , young children, teens , adults and the elderly ,some in wheel chairs – It was incredible..the universal church so beautifully represented in this informal gathering ! Where else would one witness such a spectacle !

Pope Francis was greeted with a lot of applause as he entered the venue . Under the blue sky, the mass commenced .. The saints were now officially part of the galaxy of catholic saints – highly introspective human beings who were forthright about their weaknesses, who allowed God to work through them despite opposition from within and without .

My mind raced back in time – With deep regret I recalled how mindlessly I had relinquished a golden chance to meet Mother Theresa in person. A few decades ago , when I was in Calcutta, a religious sister had offered to take me to her . I had heard many people narrating how their lives underwent complete transformation after meeting her and I was afraid , afraid that upon meeting her I might become spell bound and join the missionaries of charity straightaway .. And I never ,ever wanted to be a nun ..So I politely declined that offer .And here I was watching her being canonised !

Meanwhile the summer sun was beating down on us mercilessly.. Many spectators got sunstroke . Though I was covered with a sun hat and an umbrella, I too fell a prey to the heat . My head started to throb and soon it reached monstrous proportions.. Heat often triggered migraine attacks in me .

By noon the function came to a close ; by then my body had absorbed more heat than it could handle . Soon we heard loud cheers from one section of the crowd ; Someone shouted that the Papa mobile was on its way ! Pope Francis had already endeared himself to us through his austerity, simplicity and openness . He was like a movie star to that gathering !

But alas ! Though I jumped up , to rise above the tall Franciscan monks who were right in front of me , it was of no avail !

All I could see was a part of his face – the spectacles and the smiling eyes !

I wished , like Zacchaeus, there was a sycamore tree for me to climb on , to get a better view !

By then I had a severe headache and my heart was also racing ahead ., The palpitations made me worry ..Lunch made me even more nauseous and my head started spinning . I sat on a bench a little away , suddenly feeling guilty about the whole trip . Was it really God’s plan ? Or was I being selfish in coming here alone without my son ? I wanted to go back home .. as soon as possible. From the pinnacle of happiness I plunged into the abyss of despair in no time ..

Suddenly I heard my name being called out ; a friend from another town ! Friends meeting at St. Peter’s square .. that must be divinely ordained . She sensed there was something wrong . Quietly she sat next to me and asked me if I was worried about Jeff . She assured me of her prayers and encouraged me to put my fears aside ..

By then the friend who invited me for this trip came up – with a bottle of sparkling water . She made sure that I remained hydrated. Her concerned soothing voice calmed my frayed nerves .

I was hoping that we would return to the hotel ; After all we had come out at the break of dawn .But the tour manager informed us we would soon be proceeding to the next location . Little did I know that would turn out to be a truly spiritual experience.

The Lord is near to all who call on him;

to all who call on him in truth

He fulfills the desire of all who fear him; he also hears their cry and saves them .

Psalm 145:18&19

O give thanks to the Lord , call on his name .

Make known his deeds among the peoples

Sing to him , sing praises to him :

Tell of all his wonderful works .

It was a wonderful moment indeed when we crossed the threshold of class 10 examinations held by the national board of education. The pressure of attempting the papers along with strangers in a huge hall could be unnerving for a kid on the Autism spectrum. Social anxiety , sensory overload and the inability to ask for any clarification often impede their academic progress .

The unpredictability of the outcome often discourages the parents who try their best to prepare their kids . The gap between what they know and what they write on the paper is disheartening. I was no exception . I told Jeff that a vocational course would be a good idea as the academic pressure would be lessened .

But he had done the examinations with no external support , except extra time . He had managed to come out of the system in his former school where he wrote every paper with a teacher aide beside him . Jeff definitely wasn’t leaving academics . His heart was set on doing senior secondary . Finally I relented and enrolled him for the senior secondary curriculum.

The subjects offered for this were more interesting for him . He was always interested in the environment; he could learn environmental science along with humanities . There was only one issue ; At that time no school was offering senior secondary classes . We decided to do all the subjects on our own . This time we were better equipped to deal with the system . After grouping the subjects based on the difficulty level , we plunged into work.

However lack of socialisation worried us and I looked around for a centre where he could do any computer course . I came across a computer centre formerly run by a mother with a kid on the spectrum. It was managed by a parent group . They had learning programs for younger kids and had planned on a three year computer course to prepare the young adults for a job in computers . Internship in a software company was also part of the promise .

Since the lady who conceptualised it had to move to another state , the plan was in limbo . We spoke over the phone and realising my interest she requested me to manage the centre . Jeff could join ; we could get more candidates by spreading the word around . I turned it down as I used computers minimally ;I wasn’t tech savvy at all . It took a long time for me to get used to even my smart phone ! But she was persuasive and assured me that the young professionals at the centre would train me and my job would be to explain the program to prospective candidates, mainly their parents .Seeing no other door open for my son , I agreed to take up that responsibility.

Meanwhile a long lost friend of mine contacted me ; Her parish members were going on a pilgrimage to Italy . Would We like to join them ? They would be attending Mother Teresa’s canonisation as well !

As she spoke I pictured my self standing at St. Peter’s square , listening to Pope Francis .. Sauntering through Vatican museum surrounded by timeless beauty .. praying in those awe inspiring and churches where many have bared their souls across centuries .

My excitement was short lived .Reality rudely intruded my reverie . Memories of our previous trip to Europe and Jeff’s hospitalisation were still fresh on our minds . A group tour with a rigid schedule would be too much for him . But my husband knew what such a trip meant for me; he suggested that I make this trip , he would manage the house .

I was in a dilemma ; Never have I stayed away from Jeff for so many days .. Infact after the onset of epilepsy, he was never left alone .Would my husband be able to manage office and home together? There would be times Jeff would be alone at home . Would he be fine ?

Finally I made a bold decision ; This could be once in a lifetime opportunity . I decided to go for the pilgrimage. When I mentioned this to another friend , to my great delight she too jumped in !

The computer course would start only after we return . Things were looking up already !

Take delight in the Lord ,

And He will give you

The desires of your heart

Psalm 37:4

Not to us , O Lord , not to us ,

but to your name give glory ,

for the sake of your steadfast love

and your faithfulness !

Psalm115:1

It was the end of school days for my son .

He would be appearing for the last two subjects that summer . If he cleared them he would be receive the secondary school certificate . . The staggered schedule of the examinations was indeed a boon to us ; it lessened the burden of anxiety for all of us for we were all in this together!

As per the tradition , the school organised a valedictory function before the examinations.The theme of the ceremony was ‘Go , Light your world ‘What a beautiful message to these enthusiastic young adults !

As the day approached , a strange feeling came over me – excitement mixed with apprehension.. Will he be able to clear both the subjects together?Will he truly step out of the school , just like all his friends ?

As the young adults proudly stood on the stage,with their their beaming faces , our eyes moistened . These were the rejects .. thrown out of regular schools that had neither the time , nor the heart to cater to their needs .. Yet the Lord has shown the world what they were capable of .. Be it academics or extra curricular activities, they had proved themselves beyond doubt .

All of them were impeccably dressed – boys in their suits and girls in gorgeous saris. As the twilight air resonated with the beautiful lyrics of ‘You raise me up ‘ , a heart touching song originally composed by the Norwegian Irish duo of ‘Secret Garden ‘, there was not a single dry eye among the audience ..

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders
You raise me up to more than I can be…

Sitting there , we , parents recalled all our struggles , disappointments and despair ..The harrowing times when the regular academic world branded them failures.

But we were never forsaken .. The Lord had guided us to this institution which was more than a school .. a home away from home where they were accepted without any judgement , where they were considered as smart young persons with latent potentials.

All of us could proudly vouch for the fact that the Lord had done remarkable things for our children! He had raised them up and carried them to a higher place !

The lamp was lit and one by one the students passed on the light till all the candles they were carrying , were glowing.

Their radiant faces revealed what beautiful imprint, a loving and nourishing environment can leave on susceptible young minds .. their voices reminding us of the words of our saviour as they melodiously sang ,the inspirational song , Go light your world ‘ – The theme of the function was infact, taken from this song .

There is a candle in every soul 
Some brightly burning, some dark and cold 
There is a Spirit who brings fire 
Ignites a candle and makes His home.

I pictured each of them stepping out to the World , led by the Lord , reaching out to the hopeless . confused & torn ‘

Carry your candle, run to the darkness 
Seek out the hopeless, confused and torn 
Hold out your candle for all to see it 
Take your candle, and go light your world 
Take your candle, and go light your world

And I wondered if my son would be able to do that too .. in his own way ..

When the function drew to a close , we stepped out into the garden .There were laughter and hugs all around ..pictures were being taken for adorning the memory lane .

we too got busy clicking pictures with Jeffs friends and loving teachers .. Some teachers were keen to have their picture alone taken with Jeff ! .. His innocent ways had made their way into their hearts ! I wondered if jeff would ever be fortunate to be around such a loving company!

we once again became busy with studies as the exams approached . As usual he wouldn’t divulge any details about what he wrote . There were some obvious glitches .. We had promised him a holiday in the town he spent some of his most happy years ,soon after the exam ; on the last day of exam , excitement got the better of him and he rushed out of the hall very early !

A lesson for us ! Something we vowed not to do .. Never have we disclosed the reward beforehand !

I received the results with a huge sense of relief ! Jeff had made it !

Although there was a huge What next ? question looming over us , we relished every moment of our sweet victory!

You are the light of the world A city set on a hill cannot be hid. Nor do men light a lamp and put it under a bushel, but on a stand, and it gives light to all in the house. Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven

Matthew 5:14-16

Hear the voice of my supplication

as I cry to you for help,

as I lift my hands toward your most holy sanctuary.”

Psalm 28:2

Examinations are the night mare of every parent of a kid with autism.and we were no different . Here in India ,Children with special needs ,opt out of the regular school board when they reach the final year and opt for the National Open school Board Examinations . This board offers a flexible time frame and a wide variety of subjects ; Exams are conducted every six months .

Those days my son was attending private lessons with a special educator . We had applied for a scribe to assist him during the examination.The scribe ,a student from the lower grade had learning difficulties and my son , (I heard )was busy correcting his spelling mistakes : After a while he obviously lost interest and spent the rest of the time chasing mosquitoes! His justification was quite simple -He didn’t want to catch malaria!

In sheer desperation, I thought of other options ; But there was none . All the years of hard work would be wasted if he did not obtain the school certificate.at the end of it all .And I also knew he would be disappointed when his classmates leave the school after the board examinations.

I called to the Lord , asking for guidance . What was the plan for Jeff ? Surely he shouldn’t be sitting idly at home ! If he wrote half of what he knew , he would pass the exams. But the transfer of his knowledge into the answer sheets appropriately , looked like a monstrous task , given the difficulties.

I bless the Lord who gives me counsel; in the night also my heart instructs me . I keep the Lord always before me , because he is at my right hand I shall not be moved .

Psalm 16:7&8

We decided to try again ; this time without a scribe . He did a lot of mock examinations at home too . Though he became comfortable with the pattern , I knew the huge examination hall with strangers would pose many difficulties.

A week before the examinations, we decided to go for another retreat . Summer was at its peak and the road trip wore me down . On the way We stopped at Velakanni ,a famous Marian pilgrim centre . The religious sister at the intercession centre prayed over us ; this time my heart couldn’t hold my worries inside ; they spilled out in the form of tears.

After many pit stops , we reached the retreat centre . We were the early birds as the retreat was to start only the next morning. I had a bad migraine attack by then .As soon as we were allocated a room , my husband took my son out for a walk . Too tired to unpack , I sat alone in the room , asking God why . These attacks usually last for two days . And my plan for a good retreat appeared to have been foiled As I rubbed my forehead , I felt a fragrance around ; the smell of a pain relieving balm . It wasn’t too strong . Strange , as the other rooms on that floor were unoccupied. Within minutes my head ache vanished ! I was all set to attend the vespers !

We went back home after the retreat with light heart . We had left the bundle of our woes at the foot of the cross .

My son cleared that exam and our eyes were opened ! The will of the Lord was that he should attempt the examination by himself. Jeff was overjoyed and his self confidence increased visibly !

For surely I know the plans I have for you , says the Lord , plans for your welfare and not for harm , to give you a future with hope .

Jeremiah 29:11

I have loved you with an everlasting love ; therefore I have continued my faithfulness to you .

Jeremiah 31 :3

The church on the crossroad , became our regular stop on our way to school . Those visits calmed us down , reviving our weak souls . Almost all days were tough but some were tougher . One day , We found ourselves stuck in an impassable traffic jam . By the time we were liberated , the stress levels had hit the roof . The persistent repetitive questions quickened my pulse and I felt as though there were hot coals on my head .. We were late and it’s only after I parked the car in the church yard , did I realise that its doors were closed .

This was not our usual time .. thanks to the road block .My heart sank but it quickly revived as I noticed some regulars going to a small white dome shaped structure near the exit gate.

Without a second thought I dragged my son and went in. To my pleasant surprise, I realised this was an adoration chapel – As I stepped in , my heart beat slowed down visibly . The chapel was all bathed in white The interiors and every object in it were pristine white .. except for the golden monstrance that held the Blessed sacrament . The chapel was circular and a few chairs were arranged close to the wall .. I sat on a chair closest to the Blessed sacrament , with Jeff beside me .

All of a sudden I felt as though someone had showered a heap of snow ! My head became so cool , so calm . The feeling was so real . I looked up and saw the beautiful dome shaped roof that looked like the night sky lit up with stars .. Next to me sat Jeff , a picture of total serenity .

Praying before the blessed sacrament was very difficult for me ; I needed a a cross, a statute or at least a picture to look upon and focus my wandering mind . Even while attending my annual retreats , I used to skip the silent adoration time . I would rather stay in the room and read the Psalms . That day too , I sat there still . afraid that a slight movement from my part may disturb those invisible ice blocks on my head ..

The days that followed charted a remarkable spiritual journey – I had a lot of time in my hands ,as by the grace of God, my son had fitted in the new school perfectly . The teachers especially the Principal was very fond of him .Soon he was taken in for the regular sessions and I was no longer needed to stay at school .

Those days spent a lot of time in the chapel ; The Lord was always there to keep me company .At first , I silently recited the prayers I knew before him . Then it was the psalms and finally I started talking to him . Though my monologue started with prayers and requests , it soon became an outpouring of my soul – my hopes , my dreams , my weaknesses and my fears .. Soon the Lord knew it all . I took him back on a on a journey to my childhood , my teen years , my life before I got wedded .. telling him all about my little sorrows and embarrassments , my little achievements and what then I believed that my life would turn out to be . I told him about my little baby , how in the early days I had wished he would always retain his innocence .. how I used to whisper to him that I would want to be known as Jeff’s mother when he grew up !

(That of course was granted as I am most often identified as such ! )

I reminded him that I needed His help now more than ever ,in my son’s tumultuous adolescence., I wouldn’t be able to navigate these waters without his help. Every day I would tell him what we were going through.

The Lord was there , every morning, some days revealing his ancient eternal splendour, some days , his unfathomable mercy ; on another day he would appear like the morning dew , so pure and so fresh, reminding me of heavenly everlasting peace ! Other days It was his unending love that would envelope me . It would flow all around me till I lose my sense of time and space .. Not a single thought would cruise along.. I would feel so joyful in His presence that time would stand still .. One of those rare moments when even my son too vanished from my thoughts!!

I never heard him speaking but I felt he was listening to me lovingly as I unburden my soul , waiting for me to hush and be still in his presence .. Fortunately all the faithful would be gone after an hour or two , and I was alone with the Lord during Mid day .. I longed for that time ,as my human mind insisted he could listen to me in rapt attention without anyone’s voice overlapping .. a foolish notion ! But I know the Lord understood my frailty more than even myself and gave me the grace to overcome it .

I no longer longed for the others to leave ..For who knows what all trials and tribulations they were facing .. Apparently their souls too had found nourishment in His presence .. May be their need was more than mine !

During school holidays , I missed my alone time with the Lord more than anything else ..

Down in adoration falling,
Lo! the sacred Host we hail,
Lo! oe’r ancient forms departing
Newer rites of grace prevail;
Faith for all defects supplying,
Where the feeble senses fail.

To the everlasting Father,
And the Son Who reigns on high
With the Holy Spirit proceeding
Forth from each eternally,
Be salvation, honor, blessing,
Might and endless majesty.
Amen.

Tantum Ergo Sacrimentum – The English version

St Thomas Aquinas