Sing to the Lord a new song ,

For he has done marvellous things .

His right hand and his holy arm

Have gotten him victory.

Psalm 98:1

After the Covid season ,my son ventured into a new territory- Theatre , stepping out of home to the studio , where he was expected to sing , dance , speak and interact with others – This appeared to be a challenge at first . Covid scare still dominated his thoughts . He refused to let go of the face mask in public places . N 19 mask had become a part of this face !

But his trainer,a God fearing lady with many years of experience in the field ,would not take no for an answer . Reluctantly he attended the first sessions without his mask . She in her own unique way , drew him out of the shell in which he had become too comfortable .

But he enjoyed the sessions tremendously and looked forward to the weekend. Soon the teacher announced that she was planning a stage production , a dance drama based on the universal favourite, The Arabian Nights .

It was to be staged in eight months time at a coveted venue in the city . The actors would be children and young adults drawn from varying backgrounds and challenges. The show would last for one and a half hours.

Our group had mostly kids with special needs along with some neurotypical children from our teacher’s church . She was also working with two other groups – one from a residential facility for differently abled – and the other , her own charitable organisation for migrant labourer’s children .They would all come together , unveiling two stories on the stage – Alibaba and Aladdin.

To be honest , her vision scared me .. This would mean our children memorising the script which would run to pages , learning expression through gestures , movement and voice modulation . More than anything else this task requires generous amount of physical and mental stamina. Will our children be able to manage this ? But there was excitement in the air ! Most of our kids had never been on stage . Some like mine had never acted before .

My anxious thoughts zipped through crests and troughs .. Arabian Nights ? I wasn’t sure . As a child Jeff never liked fairy tales or fantasy stories. He could not even relate to history . When Jeff was offered the role of Sultan , Father of Jasmine , the princess in Alladin and the Lamp , I felt even more doubtful.

This was definitely a mammoth task ! But our trainer was not someone who would shy away from a challenge . Rather she plunged right into it with all her heart and soul . Help came in the form of volunteers , from a neighbouring college and her friends at the church . These ladies tirelessly worked with her till the very end .

We were handed over the script, scene by scene . There were on line sessions on week days and on Saturdays , the whole group gathered and practised together.

Those were the days of sweat and tears .. Each child struggled with his / her own challenges- Some, especially the ones on the Autism spectrum ,learnt the lines quickly but emotion was lacking in the dialogue delivery . It was just the opposite with those with other intellectual disabilities. Learning the lines proved to be difficult but they could emote very well ..

The teacher had to start with the very basics -Right from entering the stage , their body language, gestures & their dialogue. She was not looking for a performance that would match the limited expectations usually associated with such performances.

Week after week , she urged us to raise the bar .. Believing in our kids would bring about wonders .In our private conversations, I came to know how strong her faith was .She would wake up in the wee hours of morning , praying for all her children ( as she called them ) , seeking guidance from Heaven . And the kids amazed us by displaying remarkable improvement every week .

For mortals , it is impossible but for God all things are possible

Matthew 19:26

Soon it was the day of dress rehearsals. We practiced at the venue the whole day .

The sweltering summer heat mercilessly beat upon us . At the end of the day , all were exhausted. Then a very unexpected turn of events struck us . Our show had to be postponed due to security concerns as it coincided with the vote counting day of our state elections.

There was a lot of disappointment and confusion . The actors were perturbed by this change . Especially those on the spectrum struggled to process this disruption . I truly believed it was for the best .

We could not have performed well due to the low energy level of the kids .Some more days of rehearsals were definitely needed.

After a short break , we continued our practice as the next available date was a few months away .

We know that all things work together for good for those who love God , who are called according to his purpose .

Romans 8:28

Praise the Lord!

Praise God in his sanctuary

Praise him in his mighty firmament .

Praise him for his mighty deeds;

Praise him according to his surpassing greatness!

Psalm 150:1&2

Covid scourge finally seemed to have left the Earth , but not without leaving some repercussions…It’s tentacles had reached out and encircled the whole humanity in a vicious embrace .. There was no one who wasn’t affected – either mentally or physically.

When the world opened up again , everyone started getting back to their former lives . But it wasn’t easy for those on the Autism spectrum. Fear of infection still lingered on their minds . My son refused to leave the safe confines of his home . He seemed to be satisfied with on line classes and virtual socialisation.

Adding to that, his teacher decided to take a long break from work . We weren’t sure when / if she would resume her classes . But Jeff’s sketch books were getting filled with interesting images . He seemed to be having a special talent in inventing beautiful shades by mixing up the primary colours . His water colour paintings were quite unique.

I was baffled by this situation. His art teacher was the answer to our prayers and somehow I had assumed she would accompany us in this journey till we reached its destination.

The more I brooded over this , the more anxious I became . Disappointed, I took my woes to the Lord , waiting for him to bring her back !

Let my cry come before you , O Lord ;

give me understanding according to your word .

Let my supplication come before you ;

deliver me according to your promise.

119:169&170

It was then I came to know about the Drama and Movement classes conducted by a prayerful lady for those with special needs . She had a quarter century experience in working in special schools ; Now she wanted to try the hybrid platform – on line and off line , to continue her work . The classes were on line during the week and physical at the weekend .

Theatre was something we had not tried before. This was also an opportunity for persuading Jeff come out of his self imposed isolation . He could meet his peers and socialise with them. Needless to mention, we signed up for the classes .

The parent had to support their children during in line classes but they were on their own during physical classes . This lady was so full of life ! Her laughter and enthusiasm would make even a stone dance !

Soon her overflowing positivity enveloped the kids and they responded to her very well . At the same time she expected discipline and would not tolerate any laid back attitude. More than anything else, she aimed high with an unshakable faith in their capabilities . Meanwhile we , the parents were plagued with doubts .

Soon our kids would prove her right!

It is the Lord who goes before you . He will be with you ; He will not fail you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed .

Deuteronomy 31:8

“Out of the depths I cry to you , O Lord.

Lord , hear my voice !

Let your ears be attentive to the voice

Of my supplications!”

Psalm 130:1&2

As the Holy Week progresses, one cannot but help noticing the long lines at the confessionals this year .

At least ,in my parish ,there seems to be a resurgence of trust in the spiritual efficacy of confession,among the faithful . Or was it Covid scare that kept them away from the confessional ?

If you ,O Lord , should mark iniquities,

Lord , who could stand ?

But there’s forgiveness with you

So that you may be revered

Psalm 130:3&4

The psalmist echoes the voice of every believer who has been going through the period of Lent sincerely. These are the days of introspection, reflection and repentance.

We accompanied Jesus during his triumphant entry to Jerusalem singing Hosanna , on Palm Sunday . Now we dine with him at the last supper . Soon we would be following Jesus on that agonising journey to Calvary .

Around two thousand years ago , this day , he stood before Pilate , condemned to the death of a criminal, rejected by all ..The crowds insisted that he be crucified- the same crowd that followed him every where looking for healing or a miracle.

The ruthless soldiers dragged him on to Calvary .. Jesus moved on with blood dripping from every cell of his body . With her heart laden with unshed tears, Mother Mary accompanied her son.

I am awestruck when I ponder over the sorrowful heart of the Mother .. That day , all she witnessed must have been betrayal ..

Judas , who betrayed the son of God for a paltry amount – thirty silver coins ..It doesn’t end with Judas .. The disciples ran away , frightened. Peter whom the Lord had called the rock , proved to be disloyal too.

The scripture says that she continued to be with the disciples .She was present at the upper room on the day of Pentecost. She never abandoned those who abandoned her son .

She must have repeated the prayer of her son too ..

Father , Forgive them , They do not know what they are doing

Luke 23:34

And here I am , unable to forgive and forget !

Do not judge and you will not be judged ; do not condemn , and you will not be condemned, Forgive , and you will be forgiven .

Luke 6:37&38

Somehow human mind keeps retrieving the files of those whom we have forgiven , rendering it impossible to forget !

Forgetting the wrongs done to us , I realise can be done only with divine help .

May Mother Mary intercede for us !

O Israel , hope in the Lord !

For with the Lord there’s steadfast love ,

And with him is great power to redeem .

It is he who will redeem Israel

from all its iniquities.

Psalm 130 :6&7

I will call to the kind the deeds of the Lord ;

I will remember your wonders of old .

I will meditate on all your work,and muse on your mighty deeds

Psalm 77:11

One day , before the outbreak of Covid , a friend forwarded a message to me – It was an invitation for all the differently abled , professionals and their parents of our diocese to come together for a meeting at the Bishop’s office. The message was from a well known priest who was actively involved in social work for the underprivileged. He was heading the outreach program of our diocese.The intention was to know about the challenges of the community , for effectively planning their work .

Finally ! , I thought , Someone from the Church would like to know about our issues .. Our painful experience at a Catholic college was still fresh on our minds . The clergy as far as I knew , had little knowledge about Autism . Infact this was quite obvious to all the parents who tried to enrol their children in the Faith formation classes .

All this while, I had stayed away from any personal connect with the religious . I had only polite , minimal conversations with them . I wasn’t ready to take the plunge , though I felt it could be a golden opportunity to highlight the concerns of the parents .

Jeff was attending his Art sessions at his teacher’s residence ,back then . Her house was in same neighbourhood as the Diocesean office . We usually walked around in the neighbourhood till the session ended . Strangely , the timing of the meeting also coincided with the sessions . Was it divine will , that I should attend this meeting? I wasn’t sure . Nevertheless I decided to venture into this unknown territory.

The session was chaired by the Bishop , attended by the heads of various congregations and charitable organisations involved in caring for the differently abled. There was just a handful of parents in this august company.

The discussions became emotional as parents spoke about the lack of inclusion in Catholic schools & the apathetic attitude of the parish priests .After listening to us intently , the bishop suggested that parents join the outreach program. Looking around I noticed that none of the parents of kids with Autism had volunteered .A feeling that I am letting go of something precious came over me and my hand went up !

I had crossed that bridge between a ordinary Catholic Church member and the clergy in that instant – My parish priest hardly knew me ;Like the majority of the church goers , I too had only a hazy idea of the different rungs in the Catholic Church . .

Needless to say I was clueless about navigating through the maze of church administrative hierarchy. As time passed on , I came to realise many things . Contrary to what I thought, the diocese administrators had very little say about the functioning of the Catholic institutions.

I did not have the vaguest idea of how these committees work. The priest heading the committee was involved in many projects and most of the responsibilities were handed over to some of the the lay members . The decision makers had their own fixed ideas. My only intent was to make a change , a tangible one for the children with special needs whereas the focus of the committee was on events .More often than not , I felt all the activities were discussed and pre planned before the meetings were held .

Spending more time with my son in the spectrum had changed me too ..I was too open and direct and assumed the whole world interacted in the same way – at times unable to understand the non verbal cues or the undercurrents . In short I felt I was not contributing anything at all .. None of the true issues of Autism was taken up. Disappointed,I took my troubles to the Lord . Sitting before the Holy sacrament in my favourite chapel , I poured out my heart- the Initial enthusiasm, the blocks and my confusion ; asking Him if I should stay on in that committee.

Let me hear of your steadfast love in the morning

For in you I put my trust .

Teach me the way I should go ,

For to you I lift up my soul .

Psalm 143:10

As usual I couldn’t hear His voice . But I saw a reflection of an old friend on the glass door of the sanctuary. She had come to the chapel too . We had a quick conversation. Before I could tell her the details , she asked me to stay on. There would a time when you would be able to do meaningful work, she said . I took it as the answer to my prayer .

Months passed by but there was no change . Then came Covid shutting us all down. During lockdown days I seriously thought of quitting . Wasn’t it pointless to be in a position where one couldn’t work at all ?

Quite unexpectedly things changed .. The there were some unexpected radical changes and the style of functioning of the committee became democratic . Hope rekindled in my heart . This time I might be able to do something for the community!

The Lord never disappoints those who wait on Him ! And I am glad he taught me the value of patience in prayer !

Commit your way to the Lord ;

Trust in him and he will act .

He will make your vindication

Shine like the light

And the justice of your cause

like a noonday

Psalm 37:5&6

Praise the Lord !

Praise the Lord from heavens ;

Praise him in the heights !

Praise him all his angels;

Psalm 148:1-3

Our days once again became interesting- There were Robotic , Music & Art classes. Jeff also joined a gym ; He has always been wanting to have a six pack body , thanks to his fascination with Bollywood ! He enjoyed all the classes ; his favourite , however were his sessions at the gym .

Art was ,a hitherto unexplored territory- his sketches of human faces had a caricature quality to it ; he was able to capture the emotions in his own unique way. My non artistic, Neuro typical eye found his drawings disproportionate whereas his teacher asserted that he had his unique style . I somehow found it hard to believe.

She started an Instagram page for him and lo and behold ! Her artist friends lauded his work . They found it to unrestrained and natural .

Then came Covid 19 .. quite unexpectedly. The world watched in horror as it spread from one end to the other , gripping every race within its vicious arms – It was like living in a horror movie ..

Out of the depths I cry to you , O Lord

Lord , hear my voice !

Let your ears be attentive

to the voice of my supplications!

Psalm 130:1&2

Initially the world underestimated the potential of the virus , assuming the pandemic to disappear in a few months .It was wise , we thought, not to add on to my son’s stress .. But soon the situation worsened , there was a brief shut down , followed by a complete lockdown .

The city became unusually quiet- There was no question of venturing out at all . All the classes came to a standstill . Jeff missed his gym badly . And soon we had to tell our son ; we spoke about the virus in the mildest of terms . But there were the newspapers , TV channels & the internet for his inquisitive mind . He scoured the newspapers every day for Covid related data . His anxiety was definitely spiralling upwards .

Added to that his neurologist had been trying to reduce his dosage for anti epileptic medication. After three years of lull , epilepsy raised its ugly head . There were a few episodes. Life was getting to be tougher .

Change is difficult for the autistic mind ; more so when it’s uncertain and ever changing. On line Robotic classes soon came to an abrupt halt due to a glitch. The only solace was Art class.. Though the teacher had moved to a hilly village far away , the classes continued. The network was weak in that area ; but she discovered a spot close to the main road where the reception was much better . Her thoughtfulness made a remarkable difference to Jeff’s stress level !

It wasn’t easy either for her or for us .. But we managed to make use of that hopeless time. Jeff started exploring water colours ; he seemed to have a good eye for colour ; he created a lot of interesting shades with the primary colours . More importantly, a sense of serenity seemed to envelop him as he filled the pages with beautiful shades .

It was also a time of spiritual renewal for us – We could listen to our favourite preachers from our retreat centre through its TV channel . It assuaged our regret of not being able to attend our annual retreat to a certain degree. Internet opened up new opportunities – to attend prayers and masses from any part of the world. I must confess, it was the year of best Lenten experience for us . I remember participating in Vatican rosary , conducted at various pilgrim centres , known for Marian apparitions. It was so refreshing to know that Mother Mary had appeared to the humblest , in all parts of the globe !

Then in March 2021 , India was struck badly by the second wave of Covid . Our hospitals were flooded with patients; The cemeteries were struggling to accommodate the dead.Ambulances rushed past our street at an alarming frequency . My son’s anxious eyes followed every ambulance from the window ; prayers from his frightened soul accompanied every patient in those ambulances.

I wondered if we were heading quickly to Doomsday or the end of life as we knew it .. A question seemed to haunt many, those days – Were we destined to stay indoors till the second coming ?

I wait for the Lord , my soul waits ;

and in his word , I hope ;

My soul waits for the Lord

more than those who watch for the morning ,

More than those who watch for the morning.

Psalm 130:5&6

But you , O Bethlehem of Ephrathah ,

Who are one of the little clans of Judah

From you shall come forth for me

One who is to rule in Israel ,

Whose origin is from of old , from ancient days .

Micah 5:2

The most awaited time of the year is here! Christmas season! A few more days and the whole world will be rejoicing at the birth of our saviour!

Jesus came down to live amidst us during a restless period in the history of Israel . She was under Roman occupation . The Roman emperor had ordered a census which required everyone to travel to their own towns . Apparently no one was exempted ; Mary, though nearing her time , had to travel to Bethlehem in Judea .

A journey , which by no means , was easy . One can imagine her on the back of a donkey , with Joseph , at midnight looking desperately for a place to lay their weary heads . Driven away from every door they knocked , they find refuge in a stable .. Here Jesus , the king of kings is born , in a humble manger .

The shepherds on the hillock keeping watch over their flock are the privileged ones, the chosen ones to hear the Good news first . Their pure , unadulterated minds receive it with boundless joy ! Without any tinge of doubt , they make their way to Bethlehem hastily, to worship the Lord . The three wisemen too arrive , guided by a star . In contrast , they had come to know of the birth of their saviour through their relentless studies ..through the judicious use of their intellect.

But Herod , the king of the temporal world sees a threat in the good news . Frightened by the birth of the King of kings , he chooses violence to protect his interests .

Man has travelled many centuries after that pivotal day in history. Our observance of Christmas has also undergone a sea change .

For the corporate world, Christmas time is a busy time .. they try their best to out do each other in announcing sales , trying to lure in as many customers as they can . St Nicholas will be appalled to see his other self , Santa Claus usurping the throne of Jesus .. Christmas now seems to be centred around Santa and his gifts .. Santa , who has metamorphosed into a marketing tool. No more sliding through the chimney . We often see him in malls , waiting for children who would have to buy a coupon to talk to him !

We grumble about not getting hotel reservations or air tickets during this peak holiday season. Somewhere in the midst of the hectic preparations, the true message of Christmas is forgotten .

But we do have shepherds and wisemen among our midst – persons who have found Jesus in their hearts and those who found him through the application of their wisdom and knowledge .

Fortunately there are still pockets in this world where the joy of Christmas is shared among the homeless and the down trodden .

But the Herods of this world are still afraid of the message of our saviour. They intimidate those who try to spread the good news .

As I dwell upon Christmas past and present, my son calls me to his side ..

He is not worried about the predicament of this world .. He just wants “to sleep in heavenly peace!”

“Peace that surpasses all human understanding’- That what I long for ,too !

Glory to God in the highest heaven ,

And on earth peace among those whom he favours !

2:14

Wishing everyone divine peace this Christmas!

The Lord is faithful in all his words and gracious in all his deeds .

The Lord upholds those who are falling ,

And raises all who are bowed down .

Psalm 145:13b- 14

At this point of time we were moving at a steady pace . Once again our boat settled on a steady pace over the waves of uncertainty.

Jeff’s days followed a schedule- just the way he wanted . Robotics , Keyboard and Computer classes . In six months time , he obtained a diploma in computer applications.

More than anything else , his self confidence grew under the watchful eyes of his teacher . He encouraged him to interact with his classmates. He was travelling by himself , even managing to pay the fare to the auto rickshaw driver. With Antony sir waiting for him at the destination, I had no worries . Unbeknown to him , Antony sir would message me every time Jeff reached the institute and again , as he was returning home .

He was treated like a neurotypical by his teacher . He insisted that Jeff approached him directly to sort out any ambiguity . Till then he had shied away from tackling any confusion on his own , depending on me or in my absence , any friendly person in the vicinity.

This time he had no choice but to come out of his blissful cocoon !

Spurred on by Antony sir’s support , we thought of pursuing another computer course in the same institute; However that was not meant to be ; He passed away all of a sudden, leaving us in distress .

I had written about his demise in my blog post titled’ Of death and dying ‘ dated 19 July 2019; when I had just started my blogging journey .

The question ‘What next’ seemed to be popping up regularly in our journey. His brief stint at another institute had revealed his interest in graphic designing and photo editing . I reached out to my friends , fellow moms ,and Jeff’s former teachers for help . We were looking for a young professional – who would be open minded , friendly & ready to take up a challenge, someone who believed in the latent potential of such young adults . Many recommended institutes catering to those with special needs . But we were looking for someone who would give him individual attention , who could mentor him in the process ; it was no easy task . We waited on the Lord , refusing to give up hope .

Weeks passed by and finally we were approached by a young lady . Soon we met at a neighbourhood cafe ; she was a designer , an artist and a photographer who was on a sabbatical from the corporate world . However her knowledge about Autism was limited . In fact she had no prior experience in teaching anyone with special needs . But I found her to be bright and sensitive,and enthusiastic . She was curious to know about our journey and the associated challenges .

She suggested that we focus on his creativity and self expression rather than technical knowledge. Working with the system might prove be a distraction . We agreed to start art classes with an open mind . I had no clue about his talent as far as art was concerned – an area which we had never explored.

We soon started our sessions ; The setting was either her house or mine .At that point . we had only some vague details of her family . Soon we met the rest – her Grandmother, parents and sisters – she belonged to a family of pastors . Enough for us to slip into a state of tranquility ! I realised it was the hand of God that led us this time too !

The initial sessions , she had informed, would be just an exploration . We were in no hurry !

“Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path .”

Psalm 119:105

Why are you cast down , O my soul ,

and why are you disquieted within me ?

Hope in the Lord ; for I shall again praise him ,

my help and my God

Psalm 42:5

Rejection is a painful experience- especially when it is about differences – differences that emerged due to your neurological condition .. Jeff , like all the others on Autism Spectrum didn’t choose this developmental disorder.

Our experience during the admission process wasn’t anything new ; we had encountered such situations right from the time of his diagnosis. But that didn’t make it less painful.

Over the years we had protected him from negative environments by limiting our social circles & by a judicious selection of his arena of activities . Still there have been instances when he was exposed to negative comments / unsolicited advice or even pity from some inescapable family groups – Some ridiculous though well intentioned. However , there have also been some vitriolic comments from unexpected quarters . We were often taken aback by such instances that questioned the genuineness of relationships. More than anything else I was perplexed by the complexity of human nature and the disparity between appearances and reality. Having a child with Autism revealed the truth of some relationships.

I realised it was futile to shield him ; More often than not , the world was a cruel place for those who were different.

It took me some months to get accustomed to the new reality .. College education was not meant for him . Though it was a heart breaking moment for Jeff , we were left with no choice .

Analysing his strengths and interests , we opted for developing his skills – Robotics , Music and computers were his areas of interest. I prayed fervently for divine guidance. God answered my prayers one by one , by leading us to the right persons .

Our soul waits for the Lord ;

He is our help and shield

Psalm 33:20

A deacon serving at our parish offered to teach him keyboard ; I found a centre that offered robotic classes for those with challenges , provided someone accompanied them , for which I was more than willing . Soon they realised Jeff was too good at it and his mom wasn’t ! .

In one of the most beautiful areas of the city we discovered a computer training centre attached to the local parish . The teacher was an elderly man , and Jeff was enrolled for a diploma course in computers.

Every afternoon jeff had to attend computer classes . I dropped him at the centre and spent the rest of the time in their adoration chapel , praying. Soon the scorching summer heat made it unbearable . An autorickshaw driver was given the responsibility of taking him to the centre . He was from our parish , someone who had lost his son tragically.We found him to be kind and caring .

Jeff enjoyed this period of independence ; His computer teacher , Antony sir was also an enthusiastic partner in our mission of making Jeff independent. He would message me a soon as Jeff arrived at the centre and then again when he started his ride back . Keen to help Jeff , he had even consulted some professionals to know more about autism .

The centre catered to all kinds of kids . Neurotypical and those with challenges. There was a paraplegic boy who came from the home of the missionaries of charity – a quick learner , He was like a ray of sunshine , cracking jokes and laughing out loud .It was a treat to watch the comradeship between Antony sir and him . They often teased each other .

The only issue was that the auto driver would take a different route at times , making him restless . Jeff preferred the quieter route through narrow roads skirting a cemetery and a residential area , away from the city traffic . He thoroughly enjoyed handing him over the fare at the gate , like everyone else ! Things were looking up again, all thanks to God !

The Lord is faithful in all his words ,

And gracious in all his deeds.

The Lord upholds all who are falling,

and raises up all who are bowed down .

Psalm 145 :13b&14

Make a joyful noise to the Lord, all the Earth Worship the Lord with gladness ; come into his presence with singing.

Psalm 100:1&2

There are some days that one never forgets – As you flip through through the pages of your memory , they overwhelm you with the same emotional intensity!

The day Jeff’s senior secondary results were published, was one of those .. We needed to know only how he had scored in the last paper , Environmental science . In a period of two years he had done his course , cleared all the other subjects, two at a time , appearing for the exams at the end of every six months , the flexibility the open school board had allowed .

This time he had done really well , way beyond our expectations! He had successfully completed the course in a period of two years , the minimum time span allowed by the board . He had done well in all , especially in Mass Communication and Environmental Science.

Through out this period Our eternal helper was by our side ..our study time always started with a prayer to the Holy Spirit . This time , I was pleasantly surprised by Jeff’s perseverance and motivation . Every day he would urge me to stick to the schedule and the split up of curriculum which I had made at the very beginning. The teacher wasn’t allowed to take her work lightly! Gone was the lackadaisical attitude of yesteryears ! The Holy spirit definitely worked within him .

“Teach me to do your will , for you are my God . Let your good spirit lead me on a level path .”

Psalm 143:10

Buoyed up with this success, we started thinking about college education. Those days, awareness about Autism was slowly seeping into educational institutions: some of the colleges in our metro city had begun to open their doors to students with autism.

We approached one of the prestigious colleges in our city , through a friend , a senior faculty member . Since Jeff had shown considerable interest in Mass communication, we had selected Bachelor’s in visual communication . The principal asked us to go through the test affirming that they were open to Autism.

Jeff cleared the test and was shortlisted for the interview . Our excitement waned as we watched how the facial expression of the teachers changed the moment we mentioned autism . It was as though a mask of apathy had descended on their faces . Coldly they told us that an interview by the Principal was mandatory before we paid the fees . I noticed that the other families were already proceeding to the fee counter . Something was amiss, but I chose to shrug aside my observations and we quickly proceeded to the principal’s office.

All three of us found ourselves seated before the middle aged Jesuit priest ( Father Principal they called him ) flanked by two other priests , all in their cassocks . After an exchange of pleasantries , he started to express their helplessness- they were not equipped to deal with the complexities of Autism . Undeterred , I went on to describe my son’s academic history, he had always gone to regular schools and interacted with neurotypicals . The institutions had no complaint , whatsoever , about him . He was a cheerful , compliant student and a stickler for rules .

The principal , however countered this by another argument. The other students might make some insensitive remarks or even bully him -Too much of a risk . I offered to sensitise the student population. He was not convinced that it would be effective considering the strength . Finally he emphatically told us that they had no space for him . As a parting remark he suggested that we should get him treated first .. That was the final blow .

I wanted to scream at him that Autism is not not a disease; it is a disorder. I wanted to tell him that the statics show that one in every 67 kids have autism in our state . He could not afford to be unaware of Autism anymore . Who knows , soon there would be autistic priests in his congregation . Why not get prepared by then ? And this was definitely not the way to handle families with Autism. But my words refused to materialise.. My throat had gone completely dry .

Tears clouded my eyes and found their way to my cheeks .I thought of my son .. He was so excited about joining this college. . How on earth will he handle such a major disappointment? My husband put an end to that uneasy meeting by marching out , dragging me with him . There was indeed no point in sitting there anymore .

Jeffs spirit plummeted from the pinnacle of excitement to abyss of despair . All the joy of doing well his senior secondary examinations vanished by that cruel blow ; He had imagined that he would be going to college , just like his friends, enjoying the camaraderie unique to campus life . He spoke about it for months ; Even now whenever he’s disappointed, he would recall that incident . It is firmly saved in his file of disappointments .

Those scenes played over and over on my mind too . I was appalled by the fact that the head of a such a reputed institution had no awareness about Autism. The fact that he was in his cassock increased my frustration. Was concern towards the marginalised restricted to just sermons ?

For months I struggled with my questions . We weren’t sure that that college environment would have suited Jeff ; the noise levels were too high ; there were too many people around . But surely we could have been given a chance .. Or at least the Principal could have handled us differently . Why were we given to understand that a seat was guaranteed once Jeff cleared the test ?

Anger and frustration found its way to my heart . It took months for me to forgive him and all those who have shown such callousness. I deliberately brought to mind all the priests who have helped us in our journey and thanked the Lord for his care . But ‘Why ‘loomed large in my mind .. Why did God allowed us to go through this ? I could find no answer .

It took another year for me to understand the purpose behind it all .

We know all things work together for good for those who love God , who are called according to his purpose

Romans 8;28

Come and hear , all you who fear God , and I will tell you what he has done for me .

Psalm 66:16

Spurred on by the success of his first examination, the toughest paper , we continued our mission . Every six months, he appeared for two papers , leaving Environmental science for the last attempt . He managed to do well in all the subjects , casting my fears away .

More than anything else, I was pleasantly surprised by his enthusiasm. As he was homeschooled completely this time , I had made a schedule for the preparation. Being a stickler for rules , he ensured that I followed it to a T . We did only three hours of studying in a day . And there were days when I would want to take it easy . But we never missed a single week day thanks to his insistence! No more lazy afternoons for me !

Every time he appeared for an examination, our prayers flew up to the heavens .More than anything else , we prayed for peace- his inner peace that was sadly dependent on many factors – traffic , weather , noise levels. By then we had accustomed to the fact that even in perfect conditions , Jeff would be able to transfer only seventy percent of what he knew , to the answer sheets .

The syllabus of the last subject , Environmental science, was voluminous . We focused on his favourite topics , environmental pollution , conservation , and sustainable development ,leaving the chapters on evolution , which he found irrational .

For the practical examination, the students were asked bring some materials which in a way ,gave us a clue to the expected questions. Since materials to set up an aquarium featured in the list , we watched some you tube videos to understand the basics- the dos and don’ts and the reasons behind it .

On the day of the practical examination, I sat on the stone bench in the mango grove as usual . There were only two students for this exam . After the bell rang out, I got up with a sigh of relief. The other student came out looking relaxed- pebbles ,sand and water plants peeping out through the mouth of his bag .Doubtlessly setting up of an aquarium had featured in the question paper . Then came my son , cheerfully , with his aquarium set unopened .Alarmed , I asked him if he hadn’t attempted that question . All that he said was ‘ No !’.

In a trice, I was at the door of the exam hall , looking frantically for the invigilator. She was a teacher at the study centre – a very sweet , calm lady who understood the struggles of a parent -teacher . ‘Don’t worry’, she said , even before I could say anything. ‘ He chose another question and did that really well !

The Holy spirit was clearly at work . My son had made a decision and he had chosen wisely !

By then my poor heart had gone through varying levels of stress in that brief period- The heartbeat finally settled down at an excited level of acceleration .How I wished he had told me what he had done !

You will raise up and have compassion on Zion ; for it’s time to favour it ; the appointed time has come .

Psalm 102:13

I thanked the Lord for this lady teacher as she had saved me from many a sleepless nights ! The parents were not allowed on the campus during the theory examination. We waited at the gate anxiously. I was so relieved to see this lady teacher at the entrance, nodding reassuringly at me while Jeff came out of the hall . My heart swelled in gratitude as I recalled how the Lord always placed loving, compassionate persons on our path .

Truly he was always near us , comforting us, allaying our fears , strengthening our faith .. Never have I felt his strong hand leading us more than this crucial period in our lives !

Do not fear , for I am with you , do not be afraid , for I am your God ; I will strengthen you , I will help you , I will uphold you with my victorious right hand .

Isaiah 41:10