“Another angel with a golf censer came and stood at the altar ; he was given a great quantity of incense to offer with the prayers of all the saints on the golden altar that is before the throne . And the smoke of the incense , with the prayers of the saints , rose before God from the hand of the angel.…”

Revelation 8:3&4

When my son was diagnosed with Autism at the age of three , he had barely 15 words in his vocabulary. He had poor eye contact with strangers and limited non verbal communication . That was not all .There were marked oral motor deficits alongside gross motor & fine motor issues .Every year the candles on his birthday day cake were a blown out by us in a coordinated effort . He couldn’t blow. His inability to spit, made him swallow the phlegm whenever he had a bout of severe cold .

However the primary concern was mostly about the most obvious difficulty , communication– speech. We hadn’t really shared our worries with anyone else other than our immediate family. But we couldn’t keep it to ourselves given the unavoidable extended family web . Soon we were hit by a deluge of suggestions , opinions and unsolicited advice! This proved to be more disconcerting than the disorder itself ! There was something comforting too .. Some of them had started storming the heavens ,interceding for my son .

One such person was my paternal aunt -A Catholic religious sister , who wrote long letters to me assuring me of her prayers . It was a major source of solace for me as she reminded me of the unfailing love of the Lord .She suggested that we visited the shrine of St Alphonsa , the first saint from India .Those days she was only beatified, ie not yet a saint, but a blessed servant of God . There were many reports of healings attributed to her intercession.

Somewhere along the way , I had stopped my prayers seeking intervention of saints . I felt God was listening to my prayers ; And this wouldn’t make much difference. Wouldn’t God listen to the cries of a mother ?

My scepticism however didn’t win ; for my Dad knew how insistent his sister could be ! We could also visit her as her convent was situated within a few kilometres of the church where Blessed Alphonsa was buried . Finally all of us , including my Dad and Mum found ourselves on the road leading to the shrine .

As I entered the portals of the chapel , I was struck by the reverential silence that permeated the atmosphere, unlike other shrines here in India . In the fading sunlight I could make out the silhouette of a few women knelt down , with their hands folded in prayer . Apparently they were fasting and praying the whole day ; Their devotion made me feel like an intruder .. I too knelt down in front of the Tabernacle in adoration , offering my prayers to the Lord for my son . I quickly managed an apology to St Alphonsa for my unbelief in intercession. Even if the prayers worked how could I expect her to pray for someone like me, who would be spending only a few minutes in prayer in the chapel ?

We visited a few more churches in the vicinity and paid a visit to my loving , exuberant aunt . The nuns were only too happy to fill us with stories of many miracles connected to Blessed Alphonsa.

On the way back , we sat silently , each lost in his or her thoughts. I pondered over all that I had heard that day .. Questions kept popping up in my mind ..Was it the strong faith with which one prays in such holy places believing he would be heard , that brings forth such blessings? After all, faith can move mountains..

And then, it happened ! My son leaned over to me , whining , and pulled out my hand . Before I could make out what he wanted , he spat on the palm of my hand! That frothy blob of saliva looked so beautiful to me ! A miracle that I never prayed for ! But what was needed at that point of intervention!

An important turning point in my spiritual journey!

“I thank my God for every time I remember you constantly praying with joy in every one of my prayers for all of you ..”

Philippians 1:3&4

” Wait for the Lord ;

Be strong , and let your heart take courage;

Wait for the Lord ”

Psalm 27:14

When we follow the divine plan in our journey, we expect everything to slide in to the grooves automatically& sequentially , especially if we had tuned in only recently!

However this may not happen always and you are made to wait , trusting in God’s providence !

When we realised the school was the right place for Jeff , the next logical step was my husband relocating to our town . He was a hundred miles away from us .It was tough on him to walk into an empty house after a hard day’s work . For us too, the evenings were proving to be rather long without him.

The town we were staying in , could boast only of a few companies and it was difficult to find a suitable post . We were thrilled when he got a good offer from a reputed company . Without further ado , he gave up his current job and moved in with us . It was such a relief !

Then came the unexpected blow ! The recession set in and the company withdrew the offer with a polite letter of regret ! It was getting increasingly difficult to find another job opportunity in the changed scenario. Somehow ,I managed to stay positive, by reading God’s word and trusting in his promises . As days passed by with no other option in sight , my husband found it tough to stay positive . We also came to know that back home ,his mother who has been ailing for sometime was also making frequent trips to the hospital.

That was the time I suggested that he attended a charismatic retreat at Divine Retreat Centre in Kerala. He could also spend some days with his ailing mother . I never thought he would agree to my suggestion as he had always dismissed the charismatic way of prayer .. Loud worship sessions weren’t his cup of tea!

But God works when you least expect it ! He came home after the trip , with a brand new personal Bible and a rejuvenated heart ! The furrows on the forehead were gone ! There was hope in the air !

Sure enough within a few weeks , he was blessed with a job offer ! The company was much smaller than the ones he was used to , but the job profile was interesting and it did give him some unexpected opportunities in the years ahead !

Word of God sustained me in those days of uncertainty and I once again realised no one who waited on the Lord , would be disappointed.If he allows misfortune, that would turn out to be for our own benefit!

“We know that all things will together for good for those who love God, who are called according to his purpose “

Romans 8:28

“O give thanks to the Lord,

Call on his name ;

Make known his deeds among the peoples “

Psalm 105:1

Our life in the new town refreshingly different .slower ..calmer ..

My son’s school was housed in a spacious red tiled bungalow surrounded by a beautiful garden, lined with huge fig trees .Petunias of different hues dancing against the background of lush green lawn welcomed me whenever I visited the school .. My memories of sitting out in the porch with the Founder principal , an excellent academician and an outstanding special educator , are still so precious to me !

I remember how intently she would listen to me , assuaging my fears & concerns about the future. She too had a healing experience and had promised God that she would turn her life around and do something for the forgotten ones in the education system here . This school was her dream , where kids with difficulties learnt alongside neurotypicals.

Never once did I have to be apologetic about Autism with her . Right from our first meeting, I sensed her positivity and her belief in the potential of the child . She asked me to sit in his classroom for a day , thereby allaying my worries . I saw that he was in good hands ; The class teacher handled him very well , giving him personal attention whenever needed .

I experienced a new freedom ! No more worrying about his classes ; no more cooking till evening too ! I ventured out of my autistic world and made some friends in the apartment with the other fellow mothers .. Soon I found myself in a small group and then a bigger one .In the beginning I did find them to be helpful but as days passed by , there were too many outings ..Not my cup of tea ! Before Jeff was diagnosed , I was working and my outings were restricted to weekends , that too not all weekends . I still prefer to curl up with a book than go shopping.

But I did indulge them a bit as I thought it was a social obligation. Then there were potluck lunches which slowly started to be linked with some religious ceremony as the numbers increased . A huge source of discomfort for me ! Here in India Monotheism is not understood or accepted by a vast majority. Reluctance to worship is often considered disrespectful as most of them would not hesitate to pray in a church.

Slowly I drifted away to the periphery and made a graceful exit or so I thought!! This was not seen kindly and created a lot of misunderstanding; I was left to wonder why this was taken so personally.

There I was , alone .. but somehow it didn’t matter much . I was at ease with my conscience . I prayed for serenity as it wasn’t a pleasant experience to be the topic of many an unfortunate discussion.

But for me ,there was& there will be ,only one true God , God of Israel , Isaac & Jacob . And I wouldn’t bend my knees before another !

“I am the Lord your God , who brought you out of the land of Egypt out of the house of slavery ; you shall have no other Gods before me “

Exodus 20:2

There was only one problem; my heart wasn’t really following what Jesus taught us –

“Love your enemies and do good to those who hate you ; Bless those who curse you and pray for those who abuse you”

Luke 6:27

Praying for them wasn’t difficult but forgiving them truly was tough as it became a continuous process ; There was nothing amiss as far as appearances were concerned . I wished someone would talk to me and clear the air . I was clueless and I kept praying as bitterness was creeping into my heart .

Soon new residents came in and I was able to make long lasting friendship with some ! Some of them weren’t Christians but that never was a hindrance!! Once more I felt God would always do the little things that make our lives beautiful!

“As a father who has compassion on his children , so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him “

Psalm 103:13

“The steadfast love of the Lord

never ceases,

his mercies never come to an end ,

they are new every morning ;

great is thy faithfulness ”

Lamentations 3:23&24

Extended lockdown ensures extended time travels !

As I retrace my steps on the immense sands of time , some amazing experiences during our sojourn at the new location , pop up !

The first of such incidents was during our initial days when Jeff & I were alone all the weekdays . My husband was still working at the metropolitan city around 150 kms away . Every Friday night, Jeff would sit up waiting excitedly for his Dad . We would spend the weekend exploring this historic town .

The school was hardly a 10 minute walk away ; Jeff had to be ready only by half past eight ; The school bus would stop right in front of our apartment ; this was their last stop in the morning and the first in the evening. Gone were the days he had to spend hours in the maddening traffic ,on his way to school !

However we missed our parish community and the Sunday mass at our church..Here in the outskirts of the town , the mass was celebrated in the local language; so was the faith formation classes . Our knowledge of the regional language was very basic ; not sufficient to follow the readings or the homily . We could find no catholics in our vicinity and so , needless to say on sundays we longed for our metro city !

As days rolled by , I felt really restless and started doubting if this move was God’s plan.. wouldn’t He want us to be fed on HIs word ? Wouldn’t God want us to participate in the mass fruitfully?

Our apartment overlooked a vacant plot abounding in wild vegetation bordered by a distant green hill . At sunset Jeff and I would spent hours watching the birds fluttering away home .. It was fascinating to watch the myriad of colours splashed across the sky .

However, nights presented a different picture altogether.. With the howling of stray dogs (or were they were foxes ? ) and the hooting of owls with the background provided by the screeching crickets , it was like a scene from a horror movie! During monsoon , the casuarina trees added to the drama ,howling and dancing like banshees.

One such rainy night, Jeff and I were sitting on the bed saying our prayers – telling Jesus about our day .. thanking him for our tiny achievements.. telling him about our dreams and our little worries ..

All of a sudden he interrupted the flow and said loudly, “Mom ! When I close my eyes , there’s church in the eye ! ” Given his difficulties in communication, I realised that he was having a vision ! I urged him to go on praying with his eyes closed .

After sometime I asked him “what do you see now ? ”

He said , ” Sacred Heart Church”

“Who is inside the church , Jeff ? I asked excitedly .

Then he said there were only two of them inside – Jesus and Jeff !

My heart was beating at a phenomenal speed by then ! I managed to ask him ; ” Is Jesus telling you something? ”

At this , he giggled and said ; ” Yes ! He says ” stop watching Bollywood songs ! ”

I couldn’t help laughing out loud at this moment! He was only too happy to join in! And truly he was addicted to watching Bollywood songs on TV ! And this was interfering with his learning.

I knew Jeff couldn’t lie even if he wanted to . I didn’t know what to make out of this either !

That weekend, as usual, my husband came home and on Saturday, like every other Saturday, we went around exploring the town . After a while we found ourselves in a beautiful residential area with pretty little cottages of the colonial era sitting comfortably amidst modern residences .. all of them with well kept gardens.

As we turned the corner , happy with our discovery , there it was at our right , silhouetted against the setting sun , Sacred Heart Church ! With a sign board that gleamed – English Mass: 7:30 Am!

I almost fell of my seat ! We were speechless with wonder !

Our God is a God of small things too ! His concern stretches to every tiny area of our lives . He took notice of my silent heart ache and chose to answer me through Jeff !

“Blessed are the pure in heart , for they will see God ”

Matthew 5:8

I rejoiced like never before , counting myself fortunate to be a witness to that incident!

It also made me ponder – Jeff was 11 years or so .If the difficulties of Autism had ensured that he retained his innocence , was it really something I should cry about ?

From that Sunday onwards , all the years we spent in this town , we attended mass at that Sacred Heart Church .

“It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to put confidence in mortals .

It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to put confidence in princes “

Psalm 118:8

The psalmist seem to echo the thoughts of millions across the globe during these hard days ..

The first week of lockdown was tough ; I used to wake up every morning asking a question to myself , ” Is this a bad dream ? ” The heaviness of my heart only grew more when it would sink in that this was the new normal .. Added to that was the constant questions from my son . He wanted to know when this would all end .Now the lockdown has been extended for another 21 days .

I am quite surprised at the flexibility of his Autistic mind ! He seems to be quite content with this new reality. We are trying our hands at making desserts so that his cravings for ‘ something sweet ‘are somewhat satisfied. He is ,indeed my partner in crime in our dessert experiments!

We now have come up with a schedule for lock down days He loves to clean the house . And he does a thorough job of it ! It is definitely therapeutic as you see the results instantly. But what really cheers him are the video calls with his cousins . He enjoys his little interaction with them . He is keen to know if they are sticking to the protocol and staying safe ! This extends to his uncles ,aunts ,his teachers and friends .However ,we have the liberty(or shall I say right?) to call only our close relatives . They are more than happy to indulge him ; They appreciate his little attempts at sketching or baking with enthusiasm.

My son considers a lot of his former class mates as his friends . But his limited social skills have resulted in a one way friendship with his peers. It is saddening to see him concerned about the persons who , I am afraid do not think about him at all ..

But he counts my friends as his own too . My best friends. especially in the town we moved to , for the sake of his schooling, were very happy to have him around . Whenever I needed to go to a doctor , they took care of him . Sometimes they would invite him over when they made something that he loved to eat . I felt so secure in this new place . My husband joined us soon and by God’s grace was able to find a job even though it was recession times . The new job required him to take some official trips but it wasn’t stressful for me at all . God had already provided us a safety net of compassionate & loving friends !

Added to that were some of his dear teachers –It was really overwhelming to see how they had gone the extra mile to understand the curious working of his mind . His head teacher too had genuine concern about him ; I could visit the school anytime I wanted . She would patiently listen to my concerns and tried her best to address them . Sometimes it wasn’t easy for her . Not all teachers were gifted with an open mind ! She gave me invaluable advice about managing his adolescence too.

Life moved at a very slow pace at this new town – a quiet town with no traffic snarls. It didn’t have a mall when moved in . But green hills , emerald paddy fields and a shimmering river bordered this town . There were many hill stations within a hundred miles or so . A week end trip never looked so tempting!

Within a few months of relocating from our metropolitan city to this quiet town , I could confidently declare that it was indeed the plan of God ! And who has a better plan than Him who loves you the most ? My parents, who were truly worried about this major decision felt relieved too !

“Praise the Lord !

O give thanks to the Lord for he is good;

For his steadfast love endures forever ! ”

Psalm 106:1

” You are my hiding place and my shield;

I hope in your word ”

Psalm 119:114

Once again I take the poetic license of transgressing time boundaries .. My account was originally intended to follow chronological order ; However at times I have been guilty of a sudden crash landing in to the present . There are times when the heart intervenes and makes you pen your present thoughts …

March has been doing a very slow march indeed ! Time has come to a standstill here in India after the announcement of a complete lock down . It has been a week or so since then . Our metropolitan city has become unusually quiet.. The roads in our locality are deserted save for a few transport vehicles carrying essential goods .. There are a few who venture out to buy groceries or medicine; Supermarkets are open only for a few hours .. that too with limited stock . Looks like Corona virus has imprisoned all humanity !

More than anything else , my worry was about my son , Jeff . Change is the greatest enemy of the autistic mind . And how drastically everything has changed! He was happy with his design classes and the regular training sessions at the gym . Fortunately music lessons have not been resumed after the deacon who was teaching him keyboard got ordained and left our parish . His only interaction with peers was confined to the youth group in our church which met every Sunday .

Churches would be closed .. No classes . No Dining out . No strolling through his favourite street on Sunday evenings .. No haircut .. No gym . The dream of developing a six pack body like a Bollywood star will have to wait ..

There were just too many changes and my weary mind churned up more & more ! I couldn’t even vocalise my fears to God but he listened to my heart !

And Jeff surprised us .. After a few days of struggle, he accepted the inevitable as he came to know about Covid 19. Google is his favourite hang out when something confounds him – the space where all his the unexpressed questions are answered. I am sure he knows more than any of us about this pandemic now ! Tracking The virus around the world is my husbands favourite past time. That too helped , as he realised that situation is the same all over the world.

If I say my son enjoys good food , it would be an understatement! Food has to be the way he wants it .. In a way we are responsible for this as from the very beginning his reinforcer was food. Every achievement was rewarded with his favourite meal . And somewhere along the line , he became very rigid . An extra shallot in the curry was unacceptable . That could spoil his day and ours too as he would get in to the mode of repetitive questions.. .. On the other hand , his favourite breakfast could lift up his spirits in a very tangible way .

This period has proved to be a learning experience for him & for us ! He quickly realised that he had to eat whatever was served .. He does get upset now and then but calms down quickly. This gave us an opportunity to talk about the ones who are eating only rice at all times and those who have very little to eat . I have always given him a traditional South Indian breakfast every morning. The coastal state that we belong to , boasts of a variety of yummy & healthy breakfast dishes !I am not sure how long we will be able to get the ingredients needed as we are staying in the neighbouring state now .

As for me , this is a time for introspection. All the blessings which my eyes couldn’t see before , appear so bright before my eyes – our church , our strolls in the parks , the restaurants, trip to our hometown, the great out doors and more than anything else our freedom to move about ! All this came from ABBA , our loving father .and all of this was taken for granted .. My heart is now filled with gratitude as the realisation that I have nothing except what has been gifted by God , sinks in .. more strongly than ever before ..

And I am not worried about where all this will lead .. The one who feeds every sparrow and clothes every lily splendidly , will take care of us too !

“Look at the birds of the air , they neither sow , nor reap nor gather into barns , and yet your Heavenly Father feeds them . Are you not of more value than they ? ”

Matthew 6:26

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your insight .

In all your ways acknowledge him and he will make straight your paths .“

Proverbs 3:5&6

After my son’s Holy communion, I went through a rough patch when I realised he wasn’t healed despite all my prayers. It took me a while to get back to the comforting presence of the Lord.

Meanwhile, things weren’t easy for my son at school . Most of the teachers had no idea regarding Autism and tried out traditional methods of reprimand . We weren’t without any comfort either. A gang of Little girls proves to be an army of angels for him ! They made him part of their gang , he enjoyed their company ! His environmental science teacher was an insightful lady who discovered his interest in science. This revealed how his mind worked too . Everything had to be logical to make sense for him . But I knew things would only get tougher as years passed by .

I tried to look at all the positives and kept praying . Quite unexpectedly I came across a column in one of the newspapers about Asperger syndrome.An acquaintance ,who saw me reading , mentioned a few things about the writer . The writer was an educator running a small school in a town hundred and fifty kilometres away from our city . This person who spoke to me , had no idea about my son at all ; I believe it was truly God who let this happen . I was at the right place and in right company too !

We visited this quaint Little school with a beautiful garden. The founder was an educator who had many years of experience in teaching in inclusive schools . We found the lady to be very open minded regarding kids with special needs . She listened to us attentively and spoke about the healing that she herself had experienced; and how that made her turn her life around. Through this small inclusive school, she was determined to make a difference in the lives of kids with special needs .For once we didn’t have to be apologetic about my sons condition. She was ready to take him in !

We truly felt the hand of God leading us there . Yet it was a tough decision to make . Our metropolitan city had no dearth of job opportunities whereas this small town could boast of only a handful of companies . It wouldn’t be easy for my husband to find a suitable job , Moreover Moving would mean a complete change of environment- a busy modern city to a traditional historic town ; we weren’t sure of how that would affect our son .

We prayed over it ; The priority would always be Jeff and so we decided to give it a try . Jeff and I would move to the town . My husband would wait for a year to see how it would all unfold. Meanwhile he could visit us every weekend .

So we moved, Jeff and I , to a small apartment near the school ; from a buzzing city to cleaner greener town . Looking back I can confidently say that it was indeed a wise decision!

“For surely I know the plans I have for you , says the Lord , plans for your welfare and not for harm , to give you a future with hope “

Jeremiah 29:11

“Do not remember the former things,

or consider things of old .

I am about to do a new thing ;

now it springs forth ,

Do you not perceive it ? “

Isaiah 43:18&19a

The year 2020 seems to be marching furiously ahead ! I just realised I haven’t blogged and January is slipping away ..Let me share a few thoughts before that happens!

So far I have been chronologically charting my journey; I feel a few steps into the present can be a welcome change ! This post stems from that thought.

We have just returned from a short break in a popular hill station in southern India, Kodaikanal. Established by the American missionaries way back in 1845 , Kodaikanal is a blessed with a beautiful landscape and salubrious climate . One can still spot a few quaint cottages nestled among the hills , reminiscent of that era

More than two decades ago , we had spent our honeymoon in Kodai . Though we vowed to return to this place again, we could never make it . This trip was about retracing our steps . But sadly we were disappointed. The brand new hotel we had stayed then , looked forlorn and badly in need of a fresh coat of paint . The botanical garden called Bryant park was littered with tiny buildings , Where are the flower beds bordering the green meadow , we wondered ! I remember how two evangelists approached us with some pamphlets and started talking about Jesus despite us telling them that we too were Christians! We handed over our camera and they took a lovely picture of ours sitting on the bench enveloped in mist ! we couldn’t find that bench either !

Chasing the past seemed so foolish! Thanks to internet we had booked a family suite in a resort perched on the hills overlooking the lake . There was a happy pine tree close to the bedroom window . I love pine trees and in India one can find them only in hill stations. Happier I was to find a tiny cross on one of the walls ! I felt blessed with the presence of the Lord !

My son who is autistic , had a lovely time riding a bike around the star shaped lake . We took long walks into the pine forests , taking in the fresh , scented air , listening to the chirping of finches, went boating under the clear blue sky ,our eyes feasting on the lush green hills around . The tiny restaurants served yummy food too !This trip was enchanting in its own way !

I have made up my mind not to dwell on the past anymore . How often do we miss the blessings of the present by trying to relive the past ! The Lord has a sparkling shower of blessings coming our way for “The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases ! ” We just need to keep our eyes and Hearts open !

O give thanks to the Lord, for he is good;

For his steadfast love endures forever “

Psalm 107:1

Advent to me , is the best season of the year ..a season of renewed hope ! However unfaithful man has been , God never gave up on him .Christmas is the the fulfilment of God’s promise to us .

I have decided to steer a bit way from Autism this time , as the year 2019 comes to a close within a few weeks .

When I look back , my heart swells up with gratitude. There were times when things were not working out .. what we had planned for Jeff , my son , ceased to exist . Options for his potentials seemed too unclear . There were moments of desperation ; as we waited in prayer in total surrender, trusting God , opportunities and persons with the right attitude emerged!

Last year taught me to trust in the Lord completely; with no tinge of doubt , to look at him as our loving father who would give us all that’s good!

My wish for the coming year is to be blessed like the shepherds – those tired souls on that blessed night , had no idea how that cold night would turn out to be!I can imagine the myriad of emotions that would have flashed across their faces! Fear giving away to astonishment as the angel revealed ‘ the good news of great joy for all people ‘ ( Luke 2:10) ; wonder & awe , as the multitude of angels started singing Glory to God in the highest ! And finally pure joy on their faces upon seeing the beautiful baby wrapped in clothes in the manger , along with Mary and Joseph!

What a beautiful night it must have been!!!

“Trust the Lord with all your heart

and do not rely on your own insight .

In all your ways acknowledge him

And he will make straight your paths “

Proverbs 3:5-6

Those days , my prayer was all for complete healing –I wanted our lives to be totally free of Autism And I firmly believed it was possible , if we , the parents would lead lives acceptable in the eyes of God .

Like Napoleon Bonaparte, I thought nothing was impossible if we set our minds to do it ! So there I was, at that juncture, checking every action , every thought of mine , striving for holiness with all my might ! Needless to say , I failed miserably… It didn’t occur to me that I am just a weak human being and without the grace & mercy of God , I will never be anywhere near the pearly gates of Heaven .

Meanwhile Jeff was being prepared for his Holy communion with the rest of his class at our parish church. He knew the basic prayers and the commandments but had no idea about sin . He couldn’t lie ; nor did he have any ill feelings towards anyone irrespective of their attitude toward him . He was exempted from confession . A nice long chat with the priest instead was arranged for him so that he wouldn’t feel left out .

This is it ! I thought to myself . The time of healing is here ! What time would be more suitable for healing than the time he received the body of Christ !! The more I thought about it , the more convinced I became.

It was only after my charismatic prayer retreats that I came to believe in transubstantiation- that the bread & wine are transformed into the body and blood of Christ during the Holy mass . It was further strengthened by my own personal experience of a healing – some years ago a blister in my mouth was healed soon after I received the communion.

” I am the living bread that came down from heaven ..”

John 6:51

I started getting excited about the Holy communion day .We had organised a grand buffet for our family & friends . Members of our extended families flew in . All those who had worked with Jeff and those with whom Jeff loved to interact were invited for our celebration .

I tried to spend my days before that date, praying . One part of my brain had already jumped ahead , imagining our life without the stigma of Autism . I was eager to reclaim our lives , which I felt, was in the clutches of this disorder . I vowed to myself I would never think about Autism ever again once Jeff comes out it .

The Holy Communion Mass celebrated by the Archbishop was quite long but surprisingly my son held on , showing no signs of restlessness! I looked eagerly for more signs of recovery but there was none .

The grand party was over and we were back home … My heart started sinking lower and lower with the passing of each day .. I asked God , why ?? (again after so many years .. ) Why didn’t you touch this innocent child of yours ? I got no answer.

Soon the questions faded away and I entered a dry patch in my spiritual life – God seemed so remote and I couldn’t reach out to him .

At the same time I didn’t want to feel that way ; so I read the psalms over and over again , found my cries similar to those of the psalmist .

“My soul clings to the dust

Revive me according to your word “

Psalm 119:25

Slowly I made my way back . If God didn’t heal him then , he had a good reason . I must not expect God to follow my timetable . All I need to do is to trust in him and he will act !

For my thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways my ways , says the Lord

For as the heavens are higher than the Earth , so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.

Isaiah 55:8-10