The message

“O Lord you have searched me and known me .

You know when I sit down and when I rise up .

You discern my thoughts from far-away .”

Psalm 139:1&2

The second wave of Covid 19 seems to be ebbing , bringing a sigh of relief from everyone . Though the restrictions are not completely lifted ,there’s some hope in the air . The death tally is now going up as the officials are busy correcting the numbers . Relatives of those who were buried following the Covid protocol , protested against the official list of covid deaths as they have been listed under some other ailment . Truth cannot be hidden long !

I was pleasantly surprised to find myself as a link between a group of needy slum dwellers and an organisation distributing groceries. Feeling thankful to be at the right place at the right time ! The hand of God was present in every step of the way !

Mulling over divine guidance, brings to mind an incident that happened many years ago ,

Those days I had often heard messages being proclaimed , healings announced during praise and worship sessions .

At Divine Retreat centre I have heard priests calling out names too , with specific messages . I had always viewed it with cynicism until the day the priest called out my niece’s name ! I was just whispering a prayer for her ! I almost jumped out my skin !

After this incident, I started waiting eagerly for my name to be called . Many years I strained my ears during the adoration hoping at least my Christian name would be heard . Surely God has a message for me !

Finally it happened in 2011 , while we were attending advent retreat just before Christmas. The adoration had just started and the air was filled with praises and thanksgiving .

Enter the gates with thanksgiving

and his courts with praise .

Give thanks to Him

Bless his name !

Psalm 100:4

Then I heard my name being called out followed by five other names . The priest said that God had seen the tears of all of us , mothers who were praying for our kids. He reminded us of the healing of Jaiross’s daughter . “Do not be afraid , “he said , “their future is safe in the hands of God ! ”

I felt I was in the air , all lifted up .. My heart was beating so rapidly; I could feel sparklers and glitters dancing inside my head!!

By the time the session got over I was having doubts ! Was it my name ? I ran towards my husband who was coming out of the Men’s section and he affirmed that it was my name the priest uttered first . He too had heard it !!

The walk from the prayer hall to our room is something I will never forget ! I felt like a feather floating towards the building . I was delirious with joy ! He knows me by name ! He has seen every tear that falls from my eyes !

That night sleep evaded me . I saw many images , among which the one of black rosary beads was so vivid . I also saw a glowing sphere on the door . I was happy and afraid at the same time . I wondered what these images mean . Am I going crazy ? How I wish I had knelt down and prayed that night !

The next morning.like an answer to my unsaid prayers , the famous song “Hear I am “was sung during the mass.

The lines go like this –

“Here I am Lord/ Is it I , Lord / I have heard you calling in the night . ”

My thoughts exactly!

After the retreat , like every year, we stopped at a convent where my husband’s aunt ,a religious sister was staying . After tea and chitchat , Mother superior fished out three rosaries from her deep pockets- one black , two brightly coloured.It was really unbelievable when she handed over the black one to me and the coloured ones to the boys , reminding me once again of the previous night !

After a brief stay in our hometown, we headed back to the town where we were staying . Soon life was back to normal – Jeff back in school and husband back at office , I shuttled between a special school and home . The environment of the community remained the same – insensitive remarks from difficult people and challenging situations came up . I felt I had to stifle my reactions and cleanse my thoughts all the time . I tried to be worthy of being in His presence but failed , failed miserably. I hadn’t realised it then , that I , with all my weakness ,was enough. I can be myself in his presence with no shame . His grace and mercy are sufficient ( and that’s all I will ever need )

Instead I whispered to Jesus that I wasn’t ready . I wasn’t ready for Jesus to take over my life , my whole life ..not yet . Secretly I wondered if I will ever be worthy of such a call … I just wanted him to watch over me . Was I afraid of the narrow road ? Or Was I feeling inadequate to face the challenges that might come along?

I think it was a mixture of both .

However

“The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases

His mercies never come to an end ;

They are new every morning;

great is thy faithfulness O Lord ! “

Lamentations 3:22&23